Blooming again with desire…

…but frustrated at feeling alone.Image

Everywhere you look on line, you find all sorts of information about BDSM. Yet, most of it, simply didn’t come close to describing what we wanted. It had all the right stuff, but seemed to go…..way too far.

I didn’t want a slave – someone who had no rights but to kiss my boots every time I walked in the door. I didn’t want her to wait on me hand and foot.

Yes, I wanted to dominate her sexually, yes I wanted her to please my every desire, but as her husband, there are so many ways that I want to serve her in a non dominating way in our day-to-day life.

And she wanted to obey my commands and follow my instruction – sexually. She has been talking about wanting to do things that she had never done before – because she knew it would please me.

But she didn’t want to live in fear that I was going to punish her because the dishes weren’t done and supper wasn’t on the table when I got home (not that she can count on knowing exactly when I was going to get home because of my schedule). And she didn’t want to stop being who she was.

But where else could we look? The internet was all we had. We certainly weren’t going to talk to our parents about it – her mom would have had a heart attack. It wasn’t something we wanted to talk to our friends about either. So we did what we had to – we Googled the shit out of it.

Guess what we found?

We found a bunch of things that simply weren’t us. I call some of it bullshit. But in all of it, there were reflections of what we wanted. Not every video ventured too far out. Even articles that used the words “slave” described elements of what we were looking for. Blogs from Doms and subs had flavors and toppings we sprinkled into the conversation.

Slowly we started to be able to chisel out some dimensions and details. We were making some headway, and it felt really good to be able to talk so honestly.

We were sharing dreams and fears without worrying about reprisal. Talking about sex isn’t always easy – talking about explicit details of bondage and sadism is a little different when your still feeling each other out.

But we faced our inner fears, and began trusting each other – our desire burned constantly. We stood committed to each other.

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