Kasai and I have a D/s relationship in how we connect sexually. To many, images are conjured up of BDSM scenes or other sex acts. And while that’s included, I think it’s worth thinking about what sexual and sexuality means.
Nearly everyone would say that the actual act of sexual intercourse is really a small portion of what it means to be sexual (even in BDSM circles). The American Pyschological Association says that sexuality includes desire, excitement, and orgasm. My friend Webster defines sexuality as the state of being sexual.
In other words, sexuality is the way(s) in which people experience and express themselves as sexual beings, self awareness of it and the capacity to have erotic experiences and responses.
Even Google knows that sexuality is more than sex, if you search for sexuality in images, you’re not going to find many images of intercourse.
And how about the word sexy? Most don’t think of sex when they think of sexy. Even an unfiltered search of images in Google reflects this.
As Kasai’s Dom, I lead us in our sexuality. That includes sex, but is more than sex. I lead us in our desire for each other, in how we express ourselves sexually, in all erotic experiences, and of course when we have sex and aftercare.
Of course we, like most couples, have our limits. For example, Kasai and I are very aware that D/s encounters in a vanilla world is like oil and water, so one of our limits is not to express our D/s in a public setting, in front of family, or friends in such a way that anyone might conceive our D/s.
There are so many ways in which people connect sexually. From what we think about ourselves and our lover, how we dress and take care of ourselves, talk to one another, flirt, touch one another, what we do during intercourse. And in this Kasai is my submissive.
But what does it mean to be submissive? I think I will have to think that in more detail later, but it doesn’t mean that one is a robot, only doing what one is programmed for – that would be crazy. Rather, as much as we are sexual in nature, people are also creative in nature.
In other words, while being submissive does mean being obedient, it goes further than that by have the creative freedom to find interactions that are pleasing. I don’t want to tell Kasai how to “do” everything (dress, talk, touch, groom, flirt, etc in and out of bed). That would be exhausting on my part, but even more important than that, it would be robbing Kasai of some of the joy of being submissive. Because she finds joy in her submission, she needs freedom to express herself as a sexual woman.