Over the years, there have been small glimpses of what was to come. I don’t think if we had discussed D/s 10 years ago it would have worked, but there were several moments with future insights such as:
We were at the beach with family, and we fucked in the ocean not 5-10 yards from them. In a parking lot in North Carolina, I fingered her without regard to the outside world. We shared a moment of erotic photos in the back yard & she submitted to me very beautfifully (where the header pic came from)
Once a road trip, I led us in a very long deep discussion about sex – (sadly, I think it was really the first time we actually talked about sex). We also fooled around with hands and cameras too on that trip! In a friends house, I made such a mess on the wall – Kasai had to ask her friend for the cleaner and clean it off. We all still laugh about that one.
When her dad asked her why she had her tongue pierced, she looked at him and said because it was better for oral sex.
In 2012, we had another really long discussion about sex resulting in an agreement about what her limits were. At first, her answers were very hesitantly yes and mostly no, but that changed with discussion (It was similar in 2013 – but this time, nearly everything went to yes as she began to submit).
It wasn’t all sex either. More times than I can count, she would tell me to just make a decision about something. Maybe it was because I put her on a pedestal for so long (she still is my queen!) and put so much on her; but, every now and then we’d be discussing something and I’d ask her what she wanted (because I wanted to provide for her) – and she would get so frustrated, she was tired of making the decisions, and needed some of that weight removed.
She also has a passion for women being treated properly (I share the same passion) because from so many people, including several churches she attended, women were less than, so the word “submission” didn’t sit well with her. Every time she had heard it before, it was used in the wrong context, the word and its meaning were abused by those selfishly seeking power.
Sometimes, they still show their faces, and can cause misunderstandings, or confusion. But in her submission, Kasai has released so much to me. She was very concerned that we were going to lose who we were. But we have seen a deeper level of commitment to each other.
It’s like finding our true selves – our true unadulterated, liberated, beautiful, and naked selves. Where two are one – each one fulfilling the deep desires of our heart and finding freedom. But I think that Elle said it the best here: Un-becoming.
That’s why just filling out check lists wasn’t good enough – we had to talk about them. And through the conversation, many of her fears disappeared through her trust in me. She once wrote that she loves the anticipation when she is dominated – and loves the trust I have in her when she’s not comfortable.
Yes, we had some glimpses throughout our past that reverberated the change that was coming – and yes, we have had challenges to work past – and yes, we still have things to resolve – but the beautiful thing is –