:: kink vs. D/s


So, we found ourselves wrapped in some amazing sex.

And as I looked back, I began to realize that something had begun to fade – my Dominance.

Don’t get me wrong, in a scene it might be hard to tell that it was missing. I told her how to prepare, what to do, what to say. I manhandled her, spanked her – thorough use of toys and instruments, bondage.

All that good stuff.hell So, if judged by the scene itself, you might say “yup, there into D/s”. If some people knew our scenes, they’d probably say we were going to hell…

But does the sex part make it D/s or was it just kinky sex?

When we began our journey – I felt like I was dominating more than just our sex life – I was dominating our sexuality. Throughout the day. She submitted to my instruction, performing different tasks, etc. It heightened our sense of awareness and connection to each other and led to a more primal connection when we did have sex.

Yet even then, I failed to understand the true value of training (and other areas of concern).

There’s nothing wrong with kinky sex (I for one happen to enjoy it!), if that’s all you want. But to be in a healthy D/s relationship – more is required. There has to be a connection of dominance and submission outside of the bedroom (or wherever you have sex).

It doesn’t mean that every aspect of life is micromanaged by the Dom. There are a variety of colors in the world of BDSM, and none are rightfully compared to another; however, there is some need in the vanilla world for each other to recognize their lovers position as either sub or Dom.

For Kasai and I, it’s our sexuality. Every aspect of it – which reaches into multiple areas of life. For you, it may be different.

What do you think, is kink the same as D/s?

4 thoughts on “:: kink vs. D/s

  1. Kink is typically a part of D/s (and yes it is amazing!), but D/s is about SO much more than just kinky sex.

    I think a lot of married couples might start out with D/s in the bedroom only, but after a while subs realize they want dominance in other aspects of their lives too. You said it beautifully a few posts back: “Kasai needed more from me than kinky sex. She needed specific guidance, direction, a strong hand……dominance, but I wasn’t really giving her anything to submit to. She loves to submit, but struggles with some things, and I wasn’t giving her a path. She also needed affirmation, praise, and rewards.”

    I think that is what all subs want.. we want to please our Doms in all aspects of our lives (not just sexual) and affirmation & praise lets us know we’re succeeding. Without the guidance and the feedback we feel lost & sometimes neglected.


    1. I agree – and I admit I’ve not always given Kasai enough guidance, affirmation, or feedback – and as you’ve noted, there were consequences. Totally unintended – but real. It took some intro and retrospection to see where, when, and how that all happened.


      1. It’s all part of the journey of discovery and I’m too still learning what I need. If we all knew what we needed upfront we could just ask for it and everything would be easy, but we have to learn and make corrections along the way (sub & Dom). It’s a sign that your relationship is moving forward 😉


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