:: Badass of Biblical Proportion

MOSES

mosesTo Sunday school kids, Moses is the one who “set me people free”. He’s often portrayed as some kind of hippie with a really cool beard and walking stick. But really, Moses gets a bad rap for being a really nice guy, because nothing is further from the truth. Moses was an ass kicking, name taking, rough talking, don’t fuck with me kind of guy.

Like the mentor for Genghis Khan, he once decapitated the heads of those who he killed and hung them up as if to say “Go ahead…don’t worship my God and see what happens to you!!” But it wasn’t just the worshipers of Baal – it was also the Hebrews who were fucking the Moabite women too.stack of heads

In fact, the Hebrews often pissed him to no end! After listening to about 250 leaders talk shit to him he went total beast saying “Listen here you mother fuckers, isn’t it enough that God rescued us?, now you want to take me out? Because Moses and God were tight, it also pissed off God, who swallowed them all like a sarlacc – men, women, kids, houses – everything.Unknown

As Moses passed through the land, he knew what might happen if he killed some moms and dads but left the kids – it would be like some movie revenge scene, and he couldn’t have that. So in a good godfather fashion, he killed them all.

cherries-in-mouthMoses wasn’t always against the ladies though (at least not the virgins). After his captains came back from a pillage and being ordered to kill everyone, they brought back the women. As you can  imagine, this pissed Moses off. So he had all the women, except for the virgins, killed. The virgins they could keep to fuck (around 32,000 of them).

I think Moses had the soft spot in his heart from when he once pissed God off. You see, God wanted Moses to circumcise his son – now I’m a dad, and tha’ts NOT something I would want to do, so I can understand the hesitation. But God’s like “I’m going to kill you now, you SOB!” – just then, his wife sneaks in with a piece of flint and slices it off like a piece of string cheese, and throws the bloody meat down at Moses feet – this in turn freaks God out, and saves Moses life – don’t fuck with women.knife

He was serious about talking Sunday’s off too. Once a guy was just picking up some sticks, and what did Moses do? He had him stoned. And to make sure the people got the picture, he made the dudes own friends and family do it.

It’s hard to say how many people Moses killed; but one things for certain – you didn’t want to fuck with him (or his wife!)

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