:: Badass of Biblical Proportions


warriorThis of course is still during the time when religions weren’t about “turn the other cheek” – they were about kicking ass and taking names. They didn’t yet care about giving to the poor, they were about conquering the promised land, and they were good at it! They were into dominance and making everyone submit.

Moses had fucked up by disobeying God, and couldn’t take the Israelits into the promised land, so after he died, Joshua became to go to guy to fuck shit up. And he was pretty stoked about the whole thing too. So much so, that he stormed across the Jordan river, took a piece of flint and personally circumcised all the Israelites.

I can hear it now “hold sitll a minute, this won’t hurt”.

The next thing Joshua needed was some blood and guts being spilt from the pagans, so he went to Jericho. After a week long party, they entered the city and killed everything that moved (including the animals) – everything except for 1 prostitute.


During the storm, all the loot was supposed to be dispersed according to his plan, but one jackass decided to keep some for himself. This eventually led to Joshua’s one and only defeat. You can imagine he was more pissed off than the Undertaker losing the big match, found the mother fucker and slaughtered his whole family. That’ll teach ‘em!

Then, he commenced a total ass whooping on everyone they came into contact with. This of course, was a little nerve wrecking for the other locals, who decided they needed to work together to take out Joshua. Eventually, there was a huge battle.

gw-head-on-spikePicture the scene – Joshua is out on the field stabbing people to death, and as you can imagine, he’s getting a little tired. So he asks God to help, who enters the scene by throwing stones from heaven down on the poor bastards. Even the rocks from heaven didn’t kill everyone, and it was getting dark; so, Joshua said “God, just stop the sun for a minute, so I can finish this shit up” – God obliged, and so did Joshua. He slaughtered the 5 armies, chopped off the kings heads and hung them on some trees.

But was he done?

Hell to the NO!

He went and kicked the shit out of 22 more city states, and divided the land among the Twelve Tribes, and fucked up some giants.  All in all he killed around 50,000 people. After he was done with his badassery, he was around 100, and he died.

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