:: Introducing BDSM into the relationship

tumblr_n90yp3NRfT1rlinc6o1_500Sex is a taboo topic for most people. For the most part, girls talk to girls; and guys talk to guys – but in my observations couples don’t talk to each other.

Not even about vanilla sex.

This is due to the fear of rejection and the desire to not their partners feelings.  People find it hard to describe to their lovers what they way and what they don’t like.

So when it comes to BDSM, it can be even that much more difficult. “Get on your knees and present yourself” isn’t really a great conversation starter, neither is “So, I bought a riding crop today, tonight I’m going to spank you with it”.

Another question might be – who is actually getting into BDSM – is it couples who are already together, couples just meeting, those that just met, people online?

In my observation, more people emerge into BDSM who are already in a committed relationship. And that alone can make the conversation starter even that much more terrifying. You have invested so much – do you dare risk it to share your desires?

It is also my observation that more people drift into BDSM after exploring non-vanilla sex. Some light spankings and bondage, a little rougher sex. Most people don’t start their conversations with “Hey, wanna by sex slave?”

When it comes to kinky sex, some people find an easy way by saying “Have you ever given any thought to being spanked”. But even that question can be scary – what if  your partner says not only “no” but “HELL NO!” or “Who do you think you are!”

So, the majority might slip some cuffs on someone, or during sex give a little slap on their partners ass. Or maybe they tug on the hair a little harder, or start to talk dirty.

For emerging into BDSM, it can be equally as nerve racking as exploring kinky sex. How do you start a conversation about one person becoming more submissive, especially in today’s culture where it’s dismissed as weakness or degrading?

It can be the same way – small conversation starters. Maybe it’s looking at some light BDSM pictures and saying “How do you feel about this picture?” Or buying a book about sex that includes some chapters about BDSM.

And for those who may have other fetishes – even if you’re into some non-vanillla sex, even if you are already in a D/s relationship, it can still be hard to discuss other things. It’s not always easy to say “Hey, did you know water sports really turns me on?”

Regardless of what kind of relationship you have you have to talk about it. You have to trust your partner enough to not simply reject you. If they do – there are bigger issues than sex.

Odds are, you will be surprised at how your partner is open to the conversation. You might be a little ashamed for even feeling you might be rejected.

How did you first begin to explore BDSM?

15 thoughts on “:: Introducing BDSM into the relationship

  1. I personally just told my partner I had a need to serve him. I had always had submissive tendencies but I wanted to serve more. We’ve always had open honest communication and I felt I was able to talk to him about my needs. At first he wasn’t thrilled at the idea because he thought it was abuse. Since then He’s done a lot of reading and realized it was something I needed and he was willing to try. It started off slowly, but I am now a full time slave and Sir and I couldn’t be more happy. Open, honest communication is the key.

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  2. My 1st experience in the wonderful world of BDSM was many many years ago.I had tried to make this woman cum with no success & as I was screwing her doggystyle she asked me to spank her.
    I was reluctant at first because I had been brainwashed . But after she begged & called me Sir, etc, I finally started spanking her.
    She came like gangbusters & my life as a Dom. began.
    I’ll always love her for that!!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. When I got married at 21, I didn’t know that I was kinky really…I had an idea that I was might be more open minded and adventurous than some and some non traditional things turned me on but I hadn’t really been able to determine the full scope of what that might mean in a relationship or to me as a person. In my naiveté, I assumed you grew with your partner in those things as you grew older and your relationship evolved. Maybe sometimes that is true, sadly in my case it did not.

    I tried to open communication with my husband through various avenues. One time I had him watch 9 1/2 weeks with me and wanted to discuss things in the movie that I thought were interesting and a turn on. (That didn’t go well) I tried to find porn I could expose him to that would gently move our sexual relationship the direction I wanted it to go (that didn’t go well either – have you ever seen a man sleep while porn is on?!) He was a very uptight, close-minded person and the only thing he ever wanted to take part in was very vanilla – actually I do believe he thought changing positions was very forward thinking of him. He was even offended by toys. Needless to say this was very frustrating and I had hurt feelings a lot because he made me feel that the things that turned me on were “abnormal” and something to be ashamed of.

    When I left him and got out there into the real world, I decided I was not “abnormal” an that I could find like-minded people if I just went ahead and put it out there. This is who I am, this is what I like – we match up nicely or we don’t. It took more courage than I can really express in a few words, but I honestly felt like I deserved a satisfying sex life and that was not too much to ask for. So when I was dating I became more and more bold in expressing things as well as more clear on my own sexuality.

    In my current relationship I have someone who is open-minded and willing to try anything I am. I would have no trouble saying “Let’s experiment with this” or “Can we try this to see what it’s like” nor does he have any issue expressing what he would like. Your partner should make you feel safe to discuss sex and aspects of your sexuality.

    Since I didn’t meet him on line or in a setting that would give any inclination of what I wanted sexually, I did have to have “the talk”…numerous times. I even told him I wasn’t going to continue to see him because I didn’t think we would be sexually compatible because I am a kinky woman. He persisted so I sent him some links to articles and pictures that illustrated what I meant. Although I know he doesn’t truly understand my tendencies toward submission, he enjoys the pleasure it brings me and that’s good enough to make him give me what I need. We are all “wired” a certain way and in a loving, harmonious relationship you care about how to bring your partner maximum pleasure. If for some reason I had trouble verbalizing something I wanted with him today, I know that sending him links would help open the conversation.

    My partner’s kink has never been one I thought I would enjoy. At first I was open to it because it brought him great satisfaction…now I like it too. He brought it up to me playfully and joking around. I eventually asked if he was kind of serious because I suspected it was more than joking around but that approach gave me a little time to think about it and entertain warming up to the idea. Plus since he was doing such a good job meeting my needs it made me want very much to meet all of his.

    So in answer to your question, I think there has to be a sexually compatible “baseline” between partners – then open and honest communication.

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    1. “Your partner should make you feel safe to discuss sex and aspects of your sexuality.” This one sentence says so much, and I couldn’t agree more!
      Thank you so much for sharing in such detail your experience. I hope that you and your partner will continue to communicate and emerge!

      Like

  4. Thanks for this post! I am re-blogging it, we are asked daily by so many of our viewers sadly not so much how to approach but if they should, worse the vast majority state they would never bring it up! We also have had such incredible feedback from some of our viewers who we encouraged to speak honestly with their partners, and are now closer than ever for it. Sex Positive open communication can be hard to talk about at first, I always tell our viewers its O.K. to explore and its ok to feelgood!

    Like

  5. Reblogged this on SexToyTesters Live Blog and commented:
    Thanks for this post!
    I am re-blogging it, we are asked daily by so many of our viewers sadly not so much how to approach but if they should, worse the vast majority state they would never bring it up! We also have had such incredible feedback from some of our viewers who we encouraged to speak honestly with their partners, and are now closer than ever for it. Sex Positive open communication can be hard to talk about at first, I always tell our viewers its O.K. to explore and its ok to feelgood!

    Like

  6. This post actually gets to the root of BDSM and relationships. I will be re-blogging so that more and more people can see that their sex lives are important. And if they’re not happy then whats the sense?

    I am one of the lucky ones. My Sir gradually eased me into kink. And I’m pretty sure he knows me better than I know myself. We have always had an open and honest relationship. One where communication is a must. So when he started adding kinky things to our sex life he did it in a way where he made sure I was comfortable. And he never pushed. Well maybe a little. He would say things like what do you think? Or how about we try this, if you don’t like it just let me know. Of course I liked it all, hehe. And I love that he’s always surprising me. Sure there are still things that make me become more submissive. That’s when ,my Sir finds a way to make me comfortable. But I do believe he loves it when I blush and giggle.
    I give sexual advice on my blog. And I do believe that it’s my Sir that made it possible for me to open up and tell the world that I’m submissive. Don’t you think life is just too damn short to not experience sexual pleasure? We have a right to it. Thanks again for posting.

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  7. Reblogged this on meandmyscorpio and commented:
    Great post with a lot of interesting points. One thing is for sure: It is NEVER easy to discuss BDSM desires with a partner who you are not certain will receive them in the right manner. Excellent post!

    Like

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