:: BDSM Question: How does love fit into a D/s relationship?

Rosewyn asked a couple of questions, and I’ll try to address each one separately, even though they are all interconnected. Before I continue, if you have a topic please feel free to message or comment – and I’d love for you to engage in this conversation as well!

The first question was “How does love fit into a D/s relationship?”

Such a great question! While I could write a short answer, I don’t think it would be prudent, mainly because of how we pre-load definitions and understandings of concepts. Whether it’s “love” or “D/s” – so in order to make sure my short answer is better understood, I’ll elaborate a little.

One Love

To many, love doesn’t fit in – probably to most actually – at least most of the relationships that one might have some kind of encounter with – erotica, porn, most websites, etc. In my experience, most bloggers who actually write (as opposed to simply posting pictures) are in some form of relationship with a significant other, spouse, etc. Many have been married longer than Kasai and I have (17 years), some for much less, and of course a few may not be in one at all. The point is, I think, that many people have found their unique way of blending love and D/s – it does happen regardless of what the before mentioned majority might suggest.

There is an story I heard a long time ago, about someone asking a husband who had been married for 50 years if he still loved his wife as much now as he did when he first met his wife. Without hesitating, the man said “No”. Shocked, the questioner asked for more information. The husband responded “When I met my wife, I thought I knew what love was, but truthfully, I had no idea – I love my wife immensely more now than I ever thought was possible 50 years ago”.

It doesn’t take 50 years to know this is true, and I don’t say that to demean folks who don’t remain married – but life has a way of…well, being life. It gets messy and ugly, shit happens. Relational or financial issues alone can rip couples apart, let alone family, medical, spiritual, or political issues. After walking through these fires and emerging still committed to each other is a true testament of love.

I suppose I think about this, though these may be extreme examples – because it’s what love is. But love is also found in the smallness of life to. I have to run a lot because of my job, and it took a while to learn how to run. One of the facts of running (other than it sucks) – is if you run far enough, you’re going to cramp at some point. A new runner will stop running, an experienced runner will run through it – knowing that regardless of whether you run or walk, the cramp will go away.

You don’t stop being friends with someone just because you had a small fight, or get into a spirited conversation. You don’t walk out on your lover because of different dreams or goals. You don’t yell at your spouse because they forgot to pay a bill. You’re going to cramp up in life and have bad days. Life happens – both in the bigness and in the smallness of life.

On D/s relationships

There are so many different shades of D/s relationships. They all evoke some form of power exchange, but the who, what, when, where, why, and hows change from couple to couple. Some are only while they are having sex, others are 24/7 regarding their whole sexual relationship, others involve other (or all) areas life.

If we strip aside the ‘online’ or ‘hook-up’ types, and look to couples who are in some form of traditional relationship (i.e. committed to each other) there is regular life in the mix. Bills have to be paid, kids have to be raised, participation in hobbies, sports, or games, you buy and sell cars or houses, you go out to eat or to watch a movie, you have employment changes, etc. Life doesn’t stop simply because you exchange some level of power.

How Love, Life and D/s are fused together is going to be different for each couple – it begins by trusting that your partner will not reject you for your desires – it continues through conversation, and establishing the kind of D/s that’s desires (from kinky sex only to any other degree of power exchange), and it broadens through experience.

As the husband who talked of the love that was refined over 50 years, so to will a D/s dynamic continue to evolve or change to one degree or another as it’s tested in both the bigness and smallness of the D/s life. Love says that regardless of the change – from expounding the dynamic or even stopping it – the couple will remain committed to each other. Love says that the couple will continue to have an open and honest dialogue and not condemn the other for their desires or dreams.

Love doesn’t “fit into” a relationship of any kind – it permeates into every aspect both big and small. It’s resilient, and it blooms. It brings beauty from ashes. Love is the beginning, the middle, and the end. Love doesn’t have a limit (including the beginning and end). Without love there is no relationship.

Love wins.

I realize that in my answer, I left your other questions unanswered – and I will address them and more of the details to which you were eluding to, but I felt it was warranted to look at the initial question in a different light. If there is a theme that runs through this post, and one that I hope is illuminated in others, it’s that love and living doesn’t stop simply because of the introduction of a D/s dynamic.

16 thoughts on “:: BDSM Question: How does love fit into a D/s relationship?

  1. My Sir and I have been together 17 years, married almost 16, and D/s (24/7) for coming on 2 years. For us, the D/s dynamic has grown and magnified our love, and enriched our lives, both of which were great before. Everything is intertwined now – D/s, daily life, kids, jobs, moves, good days, bad days… You nailed it: love wins because it IS everything. Great post!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Simple beautiful. Love is the foundation our D/s is built on – it would not work for me any other way. Primarily because of the “life” that happens along the way. I could not allow myself to surrender to someone I didn’t love with my entire being.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Thank you for answering my question so completely. You’ve thrown a bright light and an understanding over something that had been confusing me. You nailed it perfectly. “Without love, there is no relationship.” Those simple words say it all. And as you also said, it’s each partner accepting the desires of the other and being able to be completely (and fearlessly) honest with one another. Until I began reading blogs such as yours, I’d been brainwashed by the media version of D/s relationships, which are all about the kinky aspect of things. You’re talking here about a genuine relationship between two people who have complementing needs and desires and can make a successful life together with their sexual needs adding richness to their lives. Each time I re-read your post, the meaning becomes clearer. Thank you for taking the time to write such a thoughtful post. Best regards.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I often get lost in words and have a tendency to ramble, so I’m glad my response to your first question was well received. I’ll work on the other two you had later this week. Best to you and yours!

      Like

  4. I think the falling in love process should take place before you enter into any type of D’s relationship.
    Compatibility is the key to any relationship along with communication of course.
    Finding the right Dominant to fit your needs is something you should consider as well.
    I have found and I am guilty of this, moving to fast entering a relationship, and then find out 3 or 4 months into it, WOW we do not have anything in common.
    Okay so then it is just sex and kink, and that game only last so long.

    If you are not truly in love you will never fully submit, you may think you are, but once you experience being in love with a Mix of D’s yea you will see the difference.
    Black and white, compared to color.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Amazing insight, and I agree! There is a lot of great things to consider in your post – I think a lot of people that try and establish a D/s without really knowing each other, miss out on the depth of the relationship, and there is something to the idea of submission for a committed couple, but I might look at it from a different angle and say that if you are truly in love – both will fully submit to each other in different ways.

      Like

  5. We’ve been together over 30 years, and throughout that time we’ve always considered ourselves to be deeply in love. Didn’t think we could be more in love.
    The difference our D/s adventures of the last couple of years makes? We enjoy each other more!
    And, yes! We are more in love!

    Ash and Alder

    Liked by 2 people

  6. We have been together for 30 years. And from the beginning it’s been a whirlwind of love and laughter beyond my wildest dreams. But you are so right. Life happens. Most wouldn’t have made it through what we’ve been through but some how our love shines through.

    The D/s has only been for about four years. And all I can say is that it’s bonded us in a way that’s hard to explain. I wouldn’t ever go into a D/s relationship without being able to trust the way I trust my Sir. And I I’ve been able to let go of my inhibitions because of his love, patients, trust and respect.

    And despite life’s woes and life in general the love and the connection between us has gotten even stronger then we ever thought possible. Without the love I think its just sex. What a Great post Emerging Dom!!!

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s