:: BDSM Question – Letting Go

AnnieB mentioned she has been married 38 years and recently awakened to he need to submit to her husband and is struggling with letting go of control.

As with yesterday’s response – the invite is open for you all if you have some question or topic that I might be able to address, please don’t hesitate to do so. Make sure you check out AnnieB’s blog too and I more than welcome your response or thoughts to her question of dealing with the transition and letting go.

Annie, first let me give you and your husband a huge shout out for your 38 years of marriage! That is such a testimony of the commitment and love between you too! When you wrote he is your everything, I certainly resonate with the deep emotional bond!

Transitioning into a D/s regardless of how long the two have been together always presents unique challenges. Some might think that a longer relationship would make it easier, but even after 17 years of marriage between Kasai and I, and I can attest that it’s not always easy.

A lot of that is the deep need to be accepted by your partner. It’s not easy to say “I want to submit” or “I want to Dominate” – and it certainly doesn’t get easier when talking about details – and questions loom under the surface, things like “what if he/she thinks I’m a freak”.

I realize I rambled a little off topic…..

So, how do you drop your guard…how do you let go…how do you stop holding back…how do you free your mind?

A lot of people might say it’s all just a matter of trust – i.e. if you trusted your husband, then there wouldn’t be a problem; however, I think this kind of response lacks the awareness of the complexity of a relationship, so while I might agree that there is a hint of trust in the answer, I wouldn’t give that as my only response.

The reason is, because it’s obvious you two share a LOT of trust between each other – 38 years testifies to that. Life presents all kinds of challenges, and you two have overcome them. Moving into a D/s is another step, and I’m sure that you two will be able to navigate it as well.

But trust is involved in the emotions and questions – many submissives might ask themselves (overtly or subtly) like: can I trust my Dom to not hurt me, to not push too far, to respect my limits, to be patient with me, etc etc. While there is a shade of trust in these questions, there is much more.

Not knowing the style or shade of D/s you two have committed to, I would hope that there has been lengthy conversations about it – what you two expect from each other, what your limits are, what your hopes and desires are. Kasai and I have talked in depth, I’ve created our own questionnaires, we’ve used pictures to help show what we are talking bout, we journal and asked very detailed questions of each other.

Even still – we are ever emerging.

But I know what Kasai’s limits are, and from our history I know what many of the areas she wants to submit to, but has history with. She trusts me to explore those areas and press in – but I do so patiently and gently.

Knowing these particulars and having a vision for where we are going, allows me to break things down into smaller packets. Your husband can do the same thing, let me try to give a more specific answer.

If you are doing well with areas A-B-&-C but struggle with D & E, you want to focus on growing in the first three and take either D or E and break them down to their smallest pieces. Then, slowly focus on each piece until you become more and more comfortable with the whole process. Meanwhile, just let E plateau – don’t push it too much.

If those areas are sexual in nature, take them one at a time, and step by step. if they are not sexual in nature, make sure each of you talk about the area fully and each knows what the limits and desire is. Then, just as if it was sexual in nature, he needs to break down the area into any smaller sub-areas and begin to gently push on each one until you find yourself letting go and embracing your submission in that area.

The other thing I would do, is set some staging points and establish some free-time where you two can discuss freely and openly. The best points for this would be after a milestone and before moving onto focusing on the next area.

It will talk a lot of communication and understanding followed by some creativity and continued monitoring and dialogue, but I’m certain you both can reach your goals. When it comes to training and continued discussion on this area I would reference here.

I hope that helps Annie, I realize I had to give more of a generalized answer. One of the struggles for many people is having the idea that you will commit to a D/s relationship and BAM!! The next day you’re a “finished product” – nothing could be further from the truth, it’s a continuous emergence – and one of the key principles is to maintain a healthy and open conversation – don’t allow even the smallest thing to fester because it will only get worse. I’ll try to write a few more posts in the near future about your question and roam around different angles.

Thanks again Annie!

9 thoughts on “:: BDSM Question – Letting Go

  1. Thank you, Sir for tackling this. I will say that starting this journey has deepened our communication is ways we could never have imagined. We thought we were good at communicating (so did everyone around us). How wrong we were. Reality is we’d only been scratching the surface of who we were and what we needed.

    We work hard to talk things through after each new experience and Beloved is incredibly patient with me while I tend to delve deeper into understanding myself than he does.

    I have come to understand and KNOW that it is not a lack of trust in him that holds me back – I trust him with my life. Only him actually. It’s ME I don’t trust. Having had to shut down and guard my feelings at an early age, I fear the unknown emotional response the lurks in the term “subspace.”

    I don’t know if I’m making any sense, but it seems to be the final frontier, the place of vulnerability that I’ve spent a lifetime protecting and quite frankly that frightens this warrior woman. I can fight enemies I can see or comprehend but how do I defend myself if rendered helpless? That seems to be, the best I can determine, the wall I’ve built that keeps me from taking the free fall into ecstasy.

    Please know that what we have now is extraordinary and unlike anything I’ve ever known, yet inside my soul I know there’s this place I need to journey too. Just not sure how to get there!

    Thanks again,
    Annie 😳

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I know what you mean about not trusting yourself, it makes total sense. As I said too many people would try to blame the sub for not trusting their Dom, but there is so much more to the dynamic.
      I hope to reply more to your question in the near future and better address these areas.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Reblogged this on Surrendering My Shield and commented:
    I love Emerging Dom’s posts. He’s even willing to help this complicated old bird find ways to fly higher. And for that I’m extremely humbled and grateful. This community I stumbled into has brought more to my life than any other group of people I’ve met in 56 years. The honesty, the fun, and OMG the sex tips.

    Annie B Fuckin Grateful 😜

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thanks for this. I am in a similar 37 year marriage. I asked for the possibility of D/s two-three years ago or so. He pondered and talked about it for a while, did some reading and research, but he has decided it is not for him. He/we did step up the sex/kink a bit, though, which is wonderful for both of us. As I told someone else recently, his reply was no, and I will accept that as my submission to him.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Thank you Emerging Dom for doing these kinds of post.

    With me and my Sir we communicate before, sometimes during and oh yes after sex. Annie sometimes it’s hard for me to open up. And I’ve found that it’s my Sir’s patients, and respect that helps me open up more and more. It sounds like you have a man that is similar.

    Letting go is the hardest part. We have been taught to hold on so tightly to anything that has to do with sex. And now that we can let go it’s frustrating when we can’t. Just one step as the Emerging Dom said at a time. It will happen. In fact I bet it’s happening more and more just by you talking about it.
    It doesn’t happen overnight. It’s taken me years to get this far. And I’m not totally where I want to be just yet. But I find that with each conversation and each time we have sex I let go a little more.

    Ten years ago I wouldn’t have even talked about this on a blog. How about you?. We’ve come a long way baby. I think back to those commercials in the late sixties and seventies and now I know what they were talking about,It gives smoking a whole new meaning, and had nothing to do with cigarettes,Lol..

    Liked by 1 person

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