:: BDSM Question: How does D/s fit into a marriage?

Earlier, Rosewyn asked a couple of questions, her second one being: how does D/s fit into a marriage. I think it’s a great question! I realize that many here are, or were married – so your comments in the dialogue I’m sure would be most appreciated!

A while back, I read a post about a wife saying her marriage being more important than any single aspect – in other words, if her and their D/s changed what was most important was the relationship they had.

I couldn’t agree more. Kasai is my wife and my best friend. Her relationship means more to me than any other. Through the years we have had good and hard times and through the fire we are stronger now than ever. Though we are apart now, we both know we aren’t meant to be anywhere else than in each others presence.

In my experience, D/s complements our marriage, just as we do naturally anyways. When one of us is down, or having a low, or impatient about something, the other is motivating, strong, and brings perspective.

Our D/s interacts in almost every phase of our relationship, though it is not our relationship. Yes, we are very sexual, but our sex doesn’t define us. Our relationship defines us. But our D/s compliments it – it has deepened our trust and intimate knowledge of each other. Through it, we have opened up in new and meaningful ways with each other.

But through it, there is still life – sometimes one of is having a hard time dealing with something or just having a bad day. Life happens. There are shitty days. People get sick. Kids, family, and friends need to be dealt with.

If one went off of books, D/s is all glorious and never messy – but this isn’t the case. A D/s dynamic doesn’t take the life out of life. But it can bring new shades of meaning to the things once taken for granted – it can help open our eyes, ears, and hearts towards the other.

In a book or BDSM porn, the Dom would simply say “Just do as I say” or something similar to deal with issues – but in real life things don’t work like that. And actually, that type of response can make things more difficult in a relationship because it often ignores the root issues.

A more elegant response would be for the Dom to continue being a leader with their finger on the pulse and not being quick to make rash decisions. Remaining calm, keeping eyes on the bigger picture. This is true for any mature relationship, and in a D/s – the roles should compliment that.

Another side issue is the matter of consistency. Through the different changes and stages of day-to-day life, a couple needs to be consistent in how they interact with each other. A submissive needs their Dom to be their Dom and visa versa. When life happens, some of that interaction may incarnate itself differently, but the needs don’t change.

Over the past several months, Kasai has had to deal with life alone – some serious issues with our oldest, the car breaking down, issues with the house, and the list continues. She is a very strong and able woman and has managed all of them with grace and strength and I couldn’t be more proud of her. What she really wanted (and me too) is to not have to deal with these alone – but she has. Being submissive doesn’t mean that she is a weak woman who can’t manage life issues. But through the lens of our dynamic, I have witnessed her strength in new ways.

I realize that in every marriage the D/s dynamic is going to be different – but I think one of the key points in my response to your question is that it’s important to not lose who you are as a couple. Kasai is strong willed and sassy – we play a lot and are snarky with overtones of sarcasm throughout a lot of our relationship. Together we are best friends, we love each others presence, though I sometimes suck at it, we talk about everything and nothing. We have a deep love for each other that grows stronger with each passing day.

Our D/s hasn’t taken away from who we are as individuals or as a couple; rather, it is built in these things and brings out the details in a new light. Though we connect on a much different level, we are not “different’”.

24 thoughts on “:: BDSM Question: How does D/s fit into a marriage?

  1. Sir, you have captured so eloquently the exact nature of our dynamic. In our case, the marriage has been the bedrock of every experience or trial we’ve endured.

    As we’ve weathered the storms, passed the tests we’ve organically shifted into our truest natures. The trust built through years of consistency allowed me to drop much of my battle gear and brought forth his Dominant nature. Organically we fell into what we now know others call “D/s”.

    For us it has been like reaching the winner’s circle and being handed the keys to our true selves. The roles are what they are but life has a way of testing both of us, so the relationship varies as needed. Exactly as you’ve described.

    Thank you, again!
    Annie B

    Liked by 3 people

  2. While Kayla and I are not married at this point, we are living together and have incorporated a 24/7 D/s aspect into our relationship. The cornerstone of that being we talk and when we are done talking we talk some more.
    While I do lead what I also do is ask her thughts, her opinions; then I make my decision based on all the information I have.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Thank you for writing this. As a single woman I have often wondered if I want a relationship that doesn’t include D/s… but it is a good reminder of seeing the bigger picture.
    Always a pleasure Sir.
    xx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Almost every night, as we are drifting off to sleep, Mr. HH says, “You know, you are my best friend.” To me that explains how D/s fits into our marriage. Much like yours, it just made all that we already had better. I’m not sure we could strip D/s away now because it isn’t the kink, it’s the connection. It made us better at marriage.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I have intently read your post.
    Well, the marriage is certainly the only question which remains between my submissive and me, after 17 years of common life and soon our second child, I am aware, my rejection is painful for her. She don’t understand my denial, me neither, to be frank, maybe a vulnerability I don’t want admit.
    When I was a young Dominant, I was seriously thinking that the D/s relationship wasn’t a love affair but of course, I was wrong.
    Lessons I have learned on that long and wonderfully carnal highway, is in the end that D/s will NEVER EVER just be about Sex.
    So thank you very much for sharing your point of view with us. It’s certainly going to help me to break the last bolt of my inner door.
    Salutations.
    Symon

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Slave angie and I started out as M/s. It wasn’t that we stepped into this relationship as fully realized, but we grew to where we are now (and will keep growing.)

    I don’t see our M/s as separate entities, like an add-on or relationship enhancement – it is the relationship. Just as us being married is our relationship. Marriage is a legal term and status – it’s the underlying relationship that is applied to that is us married, us as Master/slave, us as parents/grandparents (yea. Grandparents. LOL), us as fellow partners in life.

    Hm. Think I’m going to have to write my own blog post rather than take up your comment space with a few hundred more words 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh I appreciate your words and insight! We too don’t find our D/s as being “separate” from who we are as a couple. It’s something we’ve emerged into and continues to emerge, but it’s not something that has a start stop button.
      Always emerging.

      Like

  7. My master married me on our 6th month anniversary. We had a child. After our child was born he left me that following January. This past March me and him got a divorce. I know that slaves are supposed to do what their masters want them to do. So I gave him the divorce. He left two months later. I had our son until this past July. My master has recently returned with his new girlfriend. But he did not set me free. Now that he’s back I am depressed because I cannot be with him. How is the slave supposed to survive without her master?

    Like

    1. I cannot imagine the deep hurt and pan you have experienced. My only offer of what I hope is wisdom is that you must find value in yourself first – and then give to another. My suggestion would be to focus on yourself and your son. Find a renewed meaning of love of and for life. Experience peace and serenity. Then, let your hear open back up to another. One who embraces you, and your son-not one who abandons. Peace be with you.

      Like

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