BDSM Transition | Dominance & submission

A few of the questions I’ve gotten through messages had to deal with transitioning into a D/s relationship, so i thought I’d share some thoughts on it from different angles. This is the 1st part in this series.

Most relationships go through cycles where one person transfers decisions to the other. Sometimes, a guy will seek to please his wife/girlfriend by shifting decisions to her – think “Whatever you want” – most of the time, this is done to please their partner. Other times, a woman might be more comfortable in letting her partner make decisions.

But most of the time, there is an ebb and flow. That is to say, that the decision point shifts from partner to partner over the years. In other cases one partner may make more decisions in some areas, while in other areas the other partner makes decisions.

In any degree of D/s there is an exchange. Whether it’s sex only or inclusive of other areas. Regardless of what the specifics are, the Dominant has the responsibility to lead the couple in those areas.

To do that, the Dominant needs to exercise their decision making on a consistent basis. Whatever areas you have dominance over – be dominant. Make decisions and be assertive. Most importantly, be consistent – nothing will cause confusion faster for a submissive than an inconsistent Dom.

Remember that your sub wants to submit – they want to be led. They want to know the details of what you want, what you like and how you like it. So demonstrate your leadership and tell them. Provide instruction, guidance and training.

For submissives, you need to trust your partner and yourself as you follow your Doms lead. Because of some peoples background, they may feel uncomfortable with the word “submit” – but really, what we are talking about is trust and following your partners lead. Regardless of what you want to call it, you just need to exercise it.

If you are submissive concerning sex, learn what pleases your partner and work on your proficiency in those areas. Learn more about your protocol, rules, positions, etc. Look for ways to exercise initiative to give to your Dom your submission.

The couple need to discuss what areas the exchange will include; is it sex only, other aspects of sexuality, include day-to-day elements? This takes conversation and open dialogue. Once these areas are established, it’s paramount that in those areas the Dominant leads and the submissive submits – but it’s also equally important that in other areas the couple maintains their arrangement.

In other words, if the couples power exchange is their sexuality, the Dom shouldn’t try to dominant decisions regarding their children, or friendships. The Dom shouldn’t use their dominance to make the sub feel subservient. While sexuality touches many areas of life, it isn’t inclusive of everything.

In fact, by demonstrating a more open dialogue in areas outside of the exchange, the Dom has the ability to incarnate and reflect a degree of trust and appreciation that will further deepen the couples bond – both in their D/s and outside.

A lot of subs who don’t exchange every aspect of life often are concerned about this very thing – “what if we change” – “what if my Dom pushes into other areas” – etc. These are valid concerns that even though the both may think is unlikely, it will remain until the experience proves otherwise.

When the exchange includes more than sex, I also feel it’s important for the Dom to still allow a degree of decision making to the sub. As I mentioned, the sub needs consistency. As I mentioned earlier, sexuality reaches so many areas all by itself, including things like sex itself, health & fitness, appearance, physical contact, and so many others. The point is – sexuality is so large of an area, you can’t (and in my opinion shouldn’t) attempt to directly control all of these areas.

The sub wants to please in these areas and submit to the overall desires. They typically don’t need to be micro-managed (which usually leads to resentment) – they need freedom to grow in their submission. Sometimes, the Dom may have to take a more active role, especially in training. However, outside of a specific instruction, task, assignment, or training, the Dom will do better by allowing the sub the freedom to make decisions.

As an example; Kasai knows I prefer her in a dress – but I don’t tell her how to dress, and she doesn’t need my approval. Time to time, I will tell her what I want her to wear though – again, this demonstrates our D/s. But on a day to day basis, there are simply too many variables that affect life – I know and trust Kasai, and happen to love her style. I also have a standing rule that she wears her day collar or a necklace everyday – again, I don’t tell her which one to wear each and every single day, though from time to time I will instruct her to wear something specific.

Kasai makes most day to day decisions regarding our kids, and I don’t attempt to push my dominance into this area. We are life partners and best friends – and since this area is outside our D/s dynamic, we work together to handle issues as they come up – but because of my work schedule, she typically makes decisions and we talk about things as they come up.

I guess the point is, it’s important for a Dom to demonstrate their dominance in the areas agreed to, to respect other areas outside the arrangement, just as it’s important for the submissive to respect the exchange and grow in those areas. It’s also paramount for the couple to maintain open communication lines about their D/s.

11 thoughts on “BDSM Transition | Dominance & submission

  1. Random thoughts while reading this:

    Always a good topic to discuss – I find communication the most paramount thing, even before trust and leadership techniques.

    Some D/s – M/s relationships may vary on the type and style of leadership. Some slaves/subs (if I say slave later on, please understand I mean both…) may want the micromanagement, in some ways or times; others may hate it. Discovering the leadership style that works for both is a key element.

    If you aren’t consistent, or if consistency is difficult due to external issues, then be accountable and flexible in your approach. There can be so many “You must be this, you must do that” that one can become paralyzed early on. Don’t be afraid to take a step. Try it, back up, look at it, see what worked. But keep learning and doing.

    We all screw up on these. Even after 11 years, I do. Be forgiving of yourself and each other.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Words spoken very truly and gracefully.
      Being constant, not-above approach, and understanding are very key, and as you mentioned with the importance of communication – these things can’t be solidified without it.

      Like

  2. Thank you for sharing this. I needed to read this today as I just broke up with my Dom because of his inconsistencies and no matter how many times I communicated to him what I needed, it just didn’t seem to get better. I learned not to settle for anything less than what I need and deserve.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Joy, I hate to hear of relationships that don’t work; however, I wish you nothing but the best in your future relationships. Sometimes, life is a mess and it shouldn’t be on one persons shoulders to carry all the burdens. Best and peace to you.

      Like

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