:: BDSM & LOVE LANGUAGES

Almost twenty years ago, Gary Chapman wrote a book called “The Five Love Languages”, while I think the book is a little over simplified (though not as oversimplified as this post), it’s not totally out in left field. He discusses gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and physical touch. I would disagree that a person responds best to one primary language and suggest that we need to receive (and give) all. That said, there are certainly ways that people  are more easily connected with, so I don’t disagree totally.

A couple major points to remember is that we shouldn’t rely using on the ‘language’ that we prefer – rather, use the one our partner will receive.

The first thing I want think about is how we often rely on these languages after something wrong has happened – for instance, a guy buys flowers after a fight….we seek to embrace our lover after a quarrel…and it continues. We need to become better an expressing our love and desire for our partner without finding ourselves in a pinch, because it’s then that our gift of love isn’t taken as just a gesture.

PHYSICAL TOUCH.

Relating to sex, it would seem that physical touch is an easy topic. But remember that the key thing here is to give to your partner what they need and desire to feel. It’s a selfless act, not a selfish act. I may spend an hour giving myself to Kasai before I even

But it’s more than sex. Most women want to feel their man touch them outside of sex – to be held, to be hugged, to be caressed, or to feel sexy and alive during normal times. They want to curl up in your arms. They want to hold hands, and feel your arms around their waist. Guys, if you do this, the invisible bond is strengthened.

What about what the guys want to feel? Well, they actually want the same things – guys want to feel their women in their arms too. They want to feel you come up behind them and wrap your arms around them. They want to feel sexy as well, and nothing says “I’m the man” than having their woman’s hands on them – could be watching a movie and feeling your hand resting on their cock, or caressing their ass, and of course a passionate kiss works for both.

When it comes to a D/s dynamic things don’t change. Really, it just deepens. The need deepens and enlarges. Submissives need to feel dynamically connected to their Dom through physical touch, both during a scene, but especially when not in a scene. The same goes for Dominants – not only do they need to feel empowered during sex, they need to feel that connection outside of sex.

ACTS OF SERVICE.

In these modern western times, most people appreciate receiving an act of service, but few enjoy giving it. Some of that is from abuse, other aspects are from feminization, and there’s always pride. But acts of service is a powerful way to connect to our lover.

Women want to feel their needs are being taken care of. Most enjoy it when their guy will do things for them that they may normally do. They feel a connection when their man simply does things for them. They want to feel like a lady – like they are special. And one of the easiest ways to do this, is to do something for them.

Guys enjoy it when their lady does things for them as well. Could be a glass of tea or water after doing some yard work. It’s a sign of appreciation when a woman finds a way to do something for their man, and it doesn’t go by unnoticed.

In a D/s, it’s the same. While this language may be more submissive nature, a sub will feel connected through a Dom’s gift in this area. How can a Dom serve their sub? Open doors, act like a gentleman, order desert and feed her for a few ideas. Many subs will demonstrate this language by finding ways to serve their Dom both within the scene and outside as well.

WORDS OF AFFIRMATION.

You would think this one is a no brainer, but we often suck at communication. And this language should really be expanded beyond affirmation to cover all verbal communication.

Most women complain that their partner doesn’t communicate well. Women need to have a good dialogue with their partner, and Kasai is no different (this also happens to be one of my weakest areas to give in). Many women are may have a smaller circle of friends, others are stay at home moms, so the only adult they get to talk to is their partner. Guys, you (myself included) have to learn how to talk better. It’s not okay to talk up a storm with our buddy’s or coworkers and not be able to talk to our woman. We have to learn the art of small talk, we have to open up about bigger issues, and we have to learn our to praise our partner as well.

Guys need the same thing too. We want to chit chat about things we are interested in. We love it when there is something passionate about that we can talk with our girl about. Guys also need to hear some affirmation as well.

In D/s, words (or lack thereof) can make or break things. A Dom needs to be able learn the art of talking during and outside of a scene about what they want without breaking their sub. They also need to be experts in praising and correcting. Subs too need to demonstrate their satisfaction and adoration to their Dom.

QUALITY TIME.

The gift of quality time can be together or alone. While we often spend quality time together, we also need to give the gift of quality alone time as well. I like when Kasai gets to have a girls weekend or girls night out, because she is able to have fun with her close friends. I also love it when we get our own getaway too!

Women’s need for quality time is strong. You can spend all the money you want on a woman, but if you don’t invest your time, you’re going to lose everything. What does she enjoy doing? Is it shopping, yoga, bowling, volunteering? Guys – do it with her and invest energy into ensuring she can do the things she loves to do.

Younger guys are often into video games. Others may enjoy camping or hiking. Some like to hunt. Girls – pick up a controller or buy some shoes to hike in.

Same goes for D/s expressions as well. There’s the obvious quality sex time, but Dominants – you need to invest in after care. Both need to spend quality time having quality discussions about their D/s – learn more about each other, learn more about being a Dom or a sub – and then do it.

GIFTS.

This is one language everybody loves. It becomes engrained in us starting with our 1st birthday. We feel loved when our family and friends think about us and give us a gift that shows their appreciation or love to us.

There are a lot of ways to give gifts to a woman. There’s the obvious ones: jewelry, cards, chocolate, a massage, spa treatment, sex toy, shoes (better let her pick the shoes out though, LOL), and the list goes on. Problem is, most guys don’t think about gifts unless it’s valentines day, a birthday, anniversary, or christmas. Guys – we gotta do better on this one. Give to her throughout the year – and remember, some of the most cherished gifts don’t cost money.

Guys love it when they receive gifts too. But women also have the same problem guys often have – not thinking about gifts throughout the year. Ladies, learn the art of giving gifts to your man that he will enjoy. FYI, nothing says “I love you” quite like a BJ, LOL.

In a D/s it’s the same way. I ordered a bunch of charms a while ago and started giving one to Kasai for different things that we’ve experienced. I also try to send her to the spa every now and then and of course I’ve bought a sex toy or two. Gifts are easy to give to each other (Dom or sub) – we just need to know (through quality time and communication) what our lover desires.

:: SUMMARY.

Again, the important thing is when we give the gift of our love, affection, adoration – Dominance or submission, that the gift is for the other’s pleasure and satisfaction, not our own. Many things may be mutual in nature. But we need to key in on what our partner wants – on what they resonate with – on the things they enjoy to receive. When we do that, we act our of selfless love and devotion to our partner.

In a D/s dynamic, we find ourselves revealing our inner most secret desires. We talk about our wants and needs. We want to explore our kink and push boundaries. We often find ourselves enjoying things we once may have considered taboo as we dive into a tantric sexuality.

When we do that, the relationship is strengthened and deepened. It becomes more dynamic and resilient. The bond is tempered and hardened in an invisible fire that sears the two into one inseperable  unity

14 thoughts on “:: BDSM & LOVE LANGUAGES

  1. Excellent post expanding on those areas. We read the 5 Love Languages as part of our premarital preparation long ago. It was simplistic but helpful in that we had to think of different ways to express love to each other and the book had lots of ideas. Thank you for giving more!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Excellent post. All too often people give the type of love language they enjoy receiving and then are frustrated or disappointed when it is not a knowledge or returned, underscoring the need for communication and observation.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. A class by Master Rick and slave tina of California put the 5 Languages into perspective for me… that they are a continuum, or spectrum. We lie on the spectrum of preference for all 5 languages, there are just some that are closer to the heart than others.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I read this book myself and found it a tad trite. I’m sure you understand what I mean, as it seemed to simplify things to an almost “dumb down” version. I think it probably did a lot of good for those people who do not pay adequate attention to the needs of their lover. I love how you applied it in this piece; I never considered that because of the books simplicity, it can really be applied to all relationships. I just remember wanting to stab my eyes out with a pen while reading it.

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    1. I agree the book seemed to…market itself, but the overall intent is applicable to all relationships as you said. It’s a good reminder to think of our partner’s needs, wants and desires.

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