:: Foundations ii

UnknownEverything is censored it seems.

I think most of the time, the censoring comes from good intentions – I mean after all, I don’t complain that the cartoon movies my youngest daughter enjoys don’t revel in death, sex, or drugs.

Some censoring is okay.

But we have a tendency to censor everything – and it often results in there existing two realities – the one that is seen, heard, and accepted and the one that is unseen – felt within. The problem is of course, that you can’t talk about it, because it’s censored – it’s taboo. Conformance is demanded.

If you don’t conform, you get escorted out – yelled at – rejected by family and friends – you get beat down. And because of the censorship, people have a tendency to not deal with major issues.

Again, some censorship is okay – like in those areas where it may adversely impact another in specific ways – don’t incite riots – don’t put the XXX movies next to Disney movies – don’t use your position to physically, mentally, or emotionally abuse another.

I told Kasai a while back that I want us to love each other uncensored (or something to that effect). A D/s dynamic almost by nature requires this – almost. While a vanilla relationship may sustain decades of censorship, non-vanilla will have issues very quickly that will become rancid if not dealt with.

You see, I want us to be able to communicate with each other and not feel ashamed, judged, or feel some how less than. I want us to demonstrate our love (both sexually and non) without the feeling that something is wrong – I want us to feel the true freedom we have to dance with each other.

To love uncensored requires a lot of things. You see a lot of times, we feel and act as though we aren’t children, but we are a lot of times – just because we are grown, doesn’t mean we are done growing. And many of the lessons we want our children to learn, we need to master.

Patience – you probably have goals, and the journey is often filled with life, so be patient with each other. The child wants everything “now” and can’t process it well when things don’t go their way. Be patient with yourself and with your partner – Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Listening – hear the other, their feelings, thoughts, desires, and needs – let it resonate and truly seek to understand. The teenager often says “You just don’t understand” – don’t be that to your partner. Active listening skills demonstrate your love in meaningful ways.

Activity – on a couple levels – act positively on your partners needs – and act on yours unselfishly. How many times has the parent said “It’s better to give than to receive” – it takes some maturity to give to another – more so to give not what you want to give them, but what you know they want/need – even more to give what you know they want/need simply relish that moment wholly – no false demands on something in return.

Receive – sometimes, this one can be hard – but you need to learn how to receive. From physical to verbal and non verbals – we  need to learn how to receive praise and guidance – we need to learn how receive physically as well. How many parents have scorned their kids for reacting to a gift negatively on Christmas or a birthday?

Talking – You have to learn how to talk – to share your emotions and feelings. To do so without judgement, bias, or the need to have to always be right.  Don’t talk just to be heard – communicate to engage with a purpose.

Mutuality – you have to give and receive – you have to talk and be heard. Working as a member of a team isn’t always easy – we fight almost everything, we can’t deal with a loss….and intimate relationships are hard – so many end up ending poorly. But there is a sacred understanding of being and purpose in community. You – or your partner – can’t always be the one who is giving or receiving – you have to be a team and live life together.

8 thoughts on “:: Foundations ii

  1. Reblogged this on Surrendering My Shield and commented:
    Love this . . .

    As a partner in a thirty-eight year relationship (the only one I’ve had or wanted), I have to say this lists many of the crucial building blocks we somehow managed to get in place early on and they provided such a strong foundation that the storms were no match for the house that love built!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Risk- taking a risk that once your ‘uncensored’ thoughts are spoken there is no taking it back and that other person is free to feel what they feel to what we say and do and sometimes that changes the whole relationship: rules number 1 for me where ‘you can not un-see or un-hear something’

    I guess for me, being in an alternative relationship and marriage, it was not about censorship but rather learning more about how my partner understands and approaches things: this meant changing my language, timing was vital and honestly knowing when not to sweat the small stuff.

    Under no certain terms did I ever, ever, think to tell him something with a predetermined naive expectation of him ‘not judging me’ because everything we did, involving other people, came down to judgement.

    what is better for the individual vs what is best for the both of us or the whole – even in Ds this matters.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Pyx, I understand where you are coming from – learning more about ourselves and our partner enables us to speak in ways that are understood. As I said, some censorship is okay – it’s there for a reason, but so many times, we create a bubble that isolates us, all the while yearning and needing someone to truly trust, someone we can share are deep and intimate thoughts and feelings with. But we think “I can’t say that, because….”
      People are free to think and feel after they experience or hear something – and that’s a good thing. Most of the time, dynamics change not because someone said something – but because of how or when it was said, or the hearer already had pre-judged and was awaiting an opportunity.
      And that takes me back to your words about learning – changing – and not sweating the small stuff.

      Like

  3. Great post. These are things that darling and I are working on in our relationship. I can tell you that it is not always easy.

    “You see a lot of times, we feel and act as though we aren’t children, but we are a lot of times – just because we are grown, doesn’t mean we are done growing.”

    This statement feels so true for me….

    “You see, I want us to be able to communicate with each other and not feel ashamed, judged, or feel some how less than. I want us to demonstrate our love (both sexually and non) without the feeling that something is wrong – I want us to feel the true freedom we have to dance with each other.”

    This one sums up what I want for darling and myself exactly. I do so very much love the feeling that we get when we are free and we just dance…..

    Liked by 1 person

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