:: Root Causes | Identity Problem

Groundswell_RootsI don’t write this post to suggest I have some sort of esoteric awareness as to the root cause of sexual anxiety – but I do think this one particular one is worth discussing.

UnknownI admit, when Eyes Wide Shut first came out, I was younger and was hoping for something a lot different. Let’s be honest – we were all hoping for some light porn. But that’s not what was delivered -what we got was a slow tale about things we weren’t interested in at the time.

After re-watching it, I feel Kubrick did a masterful job at probing many of the sexual tensions we face. Of course, he’s not a writer – the movie was based on an old novel written back in 1926 – this is an interesting fact of course, because the issues in the movie are not new.

If you’ll recall Cruise plays Dr. Bill (Dollar Bill) – a doctor who makes a lot of money, believes himself to be successful and established in his life – he’s married to Alice (Alice in Wonderland) who seems more or less content, but detached in many ways from what her life is.

After a party the couple returns home and engage in a conversation. Alice asks Bill he slept with a couple women at the party, and he says that he didn’t – Bill explains that he loves Alice and they further their conversation about jealousy.

Alice: And why haven’t you ever been jealous of me?

Bill: Well, I don’t know, Alice. Maybe because you’re my wife, maybe because you’re the mother of my child and I know you would never be unfaithful to me.

Alice: You are very, very sure of yourself, aren’t you?

Bill: No, I’m sure of you.

Now, as I re-watched the movie, it had been so long that I had forgotten the dialogue, so when Bill says “No, I”m sure of you” – I thought for a moment, wow that sounded great.

Like something out of a Hallmark movie.

It screamed “I’m a romantic who believes in you – me – us” And while it sounded good – it demonstrated the common “Guys are studs – Girls are Sluts”.

images-1But then Alice reveals that she once fantasized about fucking a Naval officer, and would have if the chance presented itself, Bill becomes insecure and everything begins to fall apart.

Bill was fine with accepting his sexual desires and temptations, but couldn’t handle Alice’s. I can understand why though – this is how society speaks about human sexuality:

Guys are manly sexual beasts who need and want to fuck. Girls are mothers, prudes, and don’t need or want sex to find fulfillment

What a bunch of bullshit – and yet we wonder why.

avoid-sexual-complication-by-being-celibateWe suppress sexuality – especially women’s to the point where it doesn’t really exist. Women aren’t supposed to think about sex – women aren’t supposed to fantasize about sex – and God forbid if they enjoy it.

This has a tragic result where women don’t view themselves as a sexual being – they don’t view themselves as a treasure. Women are forced to build walls – but these walls can’t sustain the weight of what a woman is – and needs to be.

That’s why it’s not surprising to see so many issues in relationships – marriages especially. It’s not surprising to see women read erotic novels as a means of escape – it’s not surprising to see novels like 50 Shades take off like a storm. Because in them, sexuality is presented in raw form.

The response to this portrayal is the desire to give in to a primal sexuality – to experience a deep connection with her partner.

But there’s a problem – women aren’t supposed to feel this way – they aren’t supposed to act this way, so they feel like they can’t turn to their partner. Ironically, men have the same primal urges – but they often feel like their woman isn’t supposed to be “that kind of woman”, so they fantasize about another – and they often seek to flesh out their desires with another.

This all comes down to the misrepresentation of human sexuality. What both need is a primal connection, but they reject sharing this level of connection with their partner – often out of fear.

Unknown-1And then there are those who take a leap of faith and open up a conversation with their partner about their desires. And the beautiful thing is – this conversation often leads to them diving in to the journey together – both finding that their fears were unfounded the whole time.

It’s not an easy journey. But it’s so worth it. Along the way, there may be struggles with finding a new language, a new way of being and connecting. There is so much false identity that has been soaked in by society, that it takes time to refine.

19 thoughts on “:: Root Causes | Identity Problem

  1. Outstanding! I know this to be true in my journey. Learning to let go of propaganda that filled my young mind regarding behavior and stereotypes was the beginning of reclaiming my natural womanhood. Freeing my mind was the first step to freeing my body. Thank you, Emerging Dom.

    Annie B😊

    Liked by 2 people

      1. No I didn’t. Someone else told me they had trouble once getting to it. I’ll check it but I didn’t change anything. Thanks for letting me know.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. This was really excellent and I could identify with all of it. I know what it is like to live behind the wall I built, say screw it, be vulnerable and open myself up and put my trust in another, have that trust be compromised and then work to rebuild it. I often feel damaged and not right, like something must be wrong with me for wanting and even needing the things I do. Which of course are not the societal norm or in some cases are not accepted by my partner… It makes is very difficult to be open when you know that openness is going to cause pain to your loved one, but I also have experienced the beauty and freedom of doing so….

    Again, really excellent. 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Excellent post! I identify with it, along with both Annie and ‘Tis. Sir and I talked about this at length yesterday. He’s doing the work with me– smashing the walls; training; encouraging; demanding. We are growing TOGETHER, heightening not only our sexual desires, but completely trusting each other as our journey continues. My submissiveness is complete and I know that
    I belong to Him.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I love this post! I identify so well with what you wrote. I have such a difficult time voicing my sexual wants and needs. Mostly from fear of rejection or judgement. Once I am in the moment, I feel free in my responses and and afterward I don’t feel embarrassment just joy and pleasure. It is getting there that is such a struggle for me. It has been a slow process of dismantling my walls and their false sense of security. I’d much rather be known than hidden but I often have to remind myself of that truth. And remind myself that my desires are natural and OK.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Well yeah, men (or should I say, men within the Vanilla world, tend to compartmentalize the women in their lives. The first woman in a man’s life is, of course, his own mother, the woman who raises him, and most men don’t see their own mother as a sexual being. She’s there to cook the food, wash the clothes, drive him to soccer practice when he’s a boy, & attend his university graduation when he’s a young man…she’s certainly not the object of his sexual desires and he can’t begin to see her as being the object of anyone else’s. But while a mother isn’t the object of her son’s sexual desires, she IS the one who, whether she does so deliberately or not, shapes his idea of what & how a woman should be. If a boy grows up seeing his mother be a faithful wife, a good home maker, a responsible mother, a June Cleaver type, if you will, he’ll come away with the idea that THAT’S what a good, respectable woman is. That will be the kind of woman he looks to marry and make a life with. He’ll respect her (as in when they’re dating he won’t go farther, physically, then she’s ready to go, and he’ll LIKE that there are certain things he knows she’ll never let him do, those those things are dirty, and you don’t do dirty things with someone you love and respect). Of course, that’s not to say he won’t notice other women…the secretary in his office who wears her skirt too short or whose blouse is not quite buttoned all the way up. This type of woman is NOT like his mother…her provocative clothing suggests loose morals, the fact that she works outside the home suggests she can’t, or won’t, be happy with a kitchen full of appliances & a brand new vacuum cleaner. No, she has to be out in the world the same as a man. And in his mind, she’s not a good, respectable woman because she’s not like his mother, not like his wife. So it’s OK (in his mind) when he calls her into his office and demands that she service him sexually, and then goes home to the wife like nothing happened at day’s end. He didn’t do anything wrong, all he did was do one of the dirty things one doesn’t do with one’s wife, to and with the loose woman at the office. It’s a thing to do, it’s what men do, because, after all, men NEED sex, but a man also understands that there are some things you just don’t do with your wife…your wife is, after all, the mother of your children. Your wife is good & respectable, she doesn’t need or want those filthy things. She’d be thoroughly disgusted if she knew YOU wanted such things.

    And it’s a good life for a man, compartmentalizing women like that, thinking his wife is as clean and pure as god’s fingers and that gives him a reason to need to cheat. Until, of course, he goes home early one afternoon, and finds out that the plumber or the cable guy or the gardener is taking care of the most intimate needs of his wife.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Cara, I don’t think anyone ever wrote what could have been a full-fledged post in response to one of my posts! That was awesome 🙂
      To be true – we need to take care of our partners most intimate needs – and the only way to know what those needs and desires are is to……talk about them.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I spent so many years of my life trying to be that perfect woman we see so many times portrayed by society. I tried to fit a mold, that clearly I wasn’t born to fit. It took me 42 years to finally start to even acknowledge that I just had to be me and accept and love all that entailed. Relationships aren’t built and kept based on what we see in the media. This post spoke to me and I thank you for letting us read.

    Liked by 1 person

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