:: Establishing Protcol

legsWhile there is no one right way to develop and implement protocol into a BDSM relationship, there are wrong ways.

What are protocols?

Protocols are the guide or framework to how a Dominant and a submissive relate to each other – their communication and interaction. Protocols are not task oriented in nature like an assignment or a ritual – but a path or principle. They offer structure to the dynamic.

Do I need protocols?

Within the mindset of a submissive there are two fears – fear of rejection and fear of failure. A submissive wants to submit and please her partner, and they need their Dom to affirm them. Without these things, a submissive can feel lost, isolated, and deep hurt. Protocols put structure on expectations and provide understanding setting up the submissive for success.

As mentioned earlier, protocols aren’t a list of assignments or tasks to be completed – they are the framing for how to be D/s together. Many times, protocols are actions each will take, or words that each may say in specific scenarios that affirm each other’s roles.

When developing protocols, you should consider the following areas.

How do we interact with each other in a scene?

How do you reference each other? Can the submissive speak her mind freely? Are there specific postures the submissive should take before or after? How will after-care be handled?

How do we relate to each other in private?

When in private, but not in a scene, how will you interact with each other? For the most part protocols when in a scene and in private will be the Dominants desire within any applicable limits of the submissive.

What do we do when in a vanilla setting?

Regardless of the relationship type – there are going to be scenarios where your D/s is inappropriate – be it in front of family, friends, kids, church, etc etc. But you are still in a D/s relationship, so you need to consider what types of interactions can help in the structure. From something as simple as the way you hold hands, coded phrases or actions, opening doors, etc.

Developing protocols will take time, and it’s okay to include your submissive when doing so. In fact, by discussing it with your sub, they will have a tendency to feel even more desired as well as knowing they are not just a door mat. After you have put your time and energy into the protocols, write them down and share them with your submissive. Having something you can reference back to and go over can be indispensable to the sub.

The dialogue, development process, establishing and maintaining protocols has the goal of providing a rhythmic pattern. Something that provides harmony. If a sub knows the goal, and felt included they are more inclined to feel fully invested and take pride and ownership in the protocol.

Protocols need to be maintained because in them, a common connection is shared. A submissive needs their Dominant to be consistent – not wishy washy. Protocols reaffirm each others roles to each other. They provide structure and guidance to the sub – they have a clear path for the specific scenario and doesn’t have to question “What am I supposed to do”, because the Dom has already made a decision.

Protocols should begin by being very fluid and simple in nature. If you create something too complex, it will be impossible to follow and set yourselves up for failure. By being simple, they are also enforceable. And as a Dom, they need to be enforced – this is again a two way street. The sub needs consistency and accountability. Protocols should be treated on the same level of importance as any other task or assignment from the perspective of corrective action.

In the end, protocols should be goal based – and the ultimate goal is to deepen and stregthen the relationship between the submissive and the Dominant. They should reaffirm each others relationships and be simple enough to maintain but detailed enough to have an affect.

As time passes, protocol may change. And that’s okay too. In fact, you should monitor the protocols in place and discuss them to work towards constancy and improvement.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s