:: Getting Started

Once the door is opened to openly discuss BDSM, the first thing to do is discuss desires, level of pleasure, and have an understanding of who is the Dominant and submissive partner. The more time spent discussing these areas the less of a chance for a “What the fuck was that!” moment later.

This is one of the easier aspects of beginning a D/s relationship. There are numerous questionnaires online, you could look at photographs or videos to spark conversations. But you need to spend quality time discovering yourself and your partner.

The problem I found was that most of them were over 200 questions. Many seemed redundant. I created my own on a spreadsheet, using many of the others as a tool to figure out what I felt we needed to talk about up front.

Most of the initial check list was sexual in nature, but you need to spend time talking about more than kinky sex. You need to talk about everything!

Give each other time to read over, think about, and provide answers to them. After you both are complete, prepare a moment when you can begin the process of reviewing it. It’s going to take a little bit of time.

In general you need to talk about you level of desire to give or receive and other specifics on the following:

Activity: Spankings.  Any particular instruments over others (canes, crops, paddles, hands, floggers, ). How about the intensity? Hard or soft? Are spankings for sexual arousal only – or for punishments as well? What about location of spankings: back, legs, ass, pussy, breasts, legs, feet, etc?

Activity: Bondage. Any particular instruments over others (cuffs, rope, use of furniture, saran wrap, spreader bars, etc)? How about location: breasts, genitals, full body. Is suspension included? How heavy (tight) is the bondage? What about the duration of being in bondage?

Activity: Breath Play. Use of hands over mouth, on neck. What about using different gags: ball, bit, ring, tape?

Activity: Clothing. Having clothing choices made for you – for scenes, all the time, somewhere in between? Any particular clothes preferred over others (high heels, masks, lingerie, costumes, uniforms, rubber, etc). How about collars? In private, public, or both? Full time, or only sometimes?

Activity: Movement & Positions. How about crawling? Using a leash? Walking in front of, behind, or next to? How about submissive positions: kneeling, laying prostrate, etc?

Activity: Talking. Any speech restrictions? How do you call each other? How do you ask for certain things? Is it scene only, or does it extend beyond?

Activity: Discipline. What’s included or open for use regarding discipline? Spankings, written assignments, standing in corner, orgasm withholding, face slapping, lecture, etc. What can the Dom discipline the sub for? Where can discipline happen?

Activity: Anal Play Level of desire to give or receive. Any instruments preferred over others? Dildos, plugs, beads, anal sex, oral anal play, fingers, anal hooks. Don’t forget to discuss the size of the toys as well. Can anal toys be worn in public?

Activity: Oral/Hand. Just for foreplay, or to bring one to climax? How often? Any specifics on technique? Deep throating? How about forced masturbation?

Activity: Breast play. What kind of toys: clamps, rope, weights, pumps? How about the level of intensity?

Activity: Sensation play. Sensory deprivation. Fire, ice, wax, needles, knives, scratching, suction, tickling, etc.

Activity: Protocols & Rituals. How are you going to interact with each other? How will it vary depending on who you’re around? What sort of rituals would be beneficial to help establish and maintain a sense of structure or wonder?

Activity: Serving. General acts of service, placing the needs of others ahead of your own or will it extend to things like being a maid, chauffeur, dancer, following orders, etc.

Activity: Vaginal play. Discuss the use of fingers, toes, cock, dildos, vibrators, clamps, pumps, etc.

Activity: Fetishes. Discuss to at least some degree sexual fetishes such as water sports, figging, foot fetishes, fisting, etc. Think about what makes each of you aroused – what turns you on and makes you want more – you need to talk about these things.

Activity: Vanilla Sex. Do you still want to have vanilla sex? If so, how often? How is it initiated?

After you have been in an established D/s relationship – it is still always a good idea to continue to talk about these things and more in greater detail.

2 thoughts on “:: Getting Started

  1. I was wondering if you would share your sheet you created based off the other questioners you looked over? My SO and I are very much looking at a more D/s style 24/7 relationship and guidance or information is never a bad thing! Thank you for the great information here also btw.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Gabriel, thanks for stopping by and your kind words! I don’t think I have the sheets any longer; however, if you look at my BDSM Polls page(s) they have most of the same types of things.

      Best to you and yours! Please feel free to stop back by and share any other questions or comments.

      Like

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