:: Negotiation and Limits

Sensual TortureSome people believe that a sub or slave should have no limits. Others place so much control in the subs hands that the Dom is actually being topped by the bottom. Are limits a good thing or a bad thing? Who sets them? What do you do then?

By now, you have gone through some questionnaires and conversation about what each others level of desire for different activities are, as well as finding out what things make you go “I’ll do that” and those you say “Hell fuck no!” to.

If there was something that you shared a “Hell fuck no” answer to – that’s the easy part! Kasai has a limit about my taking my KBAR and slicing her arm open – guess what? That’s a limit for me too! I have no desire to cut her open. But what about something not so extreme?

What if she said “hell fuck no” to figging, but it was something you really wanted to try – I mean it was something that you fantasized about? Is the conversation over with? It could be if the “hell fuck no” doesn’t move – but you are in the negotiating and limit setting phase. You need to share your deepest desires with each other. You would be surprised at what your partner might be open to, if they really knew what you wanted, and how badly you wanted it.

That doesn’t mean you push an issue into an argument either – or try to use your “power” to control the limit. In the end, limits are what they are – we all have them. If you are acting selfishly to push one way or another on something, your working in the wrong direction.

Once you have established what is permissible, both the Dom and the sub need to be on the same page as to the specifics of the activities. Where and when can they take place? What are the possible consequences for infractions regarding them?

The initial conversations about limits or negotiation of activities won’t be the only one – but it should be detailed. As you continue to emerge, you will become more and more confident in each other, and as you explore you will come across new things, places, or toys that you want to try out. Keep the dialogue open and remember – your partner will never know, if you don’t talk to them about it!

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