:: The Four Step Process

Navigating through a D/s relationship isn’t unlike navigating through the wilderness. There are many unknowns, dark places, highs and lows. Sometimes you feel like you can’t see where you are going. You can quickly become tired.

Remembering a few basic principles, you can always maintain movement towards your goals.

The first step is to know where you are. If you are in the wilderness you utilize a map and the terrain to recognize your location and orient yourself. An element of this first step is to know where you’ve been – it requires introspection to question yourself, your motives and desires.

Many people at the onset of a D/s relationship will use some form of questionnaire to help discover some of these questions. Kasai and I were married for over ten years before we embarked on our journey and even though we “know” each other well, we still used some of these questions to help in the conversation. Because the last thing you want is to make an assumption.

Though this is the first step – it is also a continuous step. Too many Doms fail to continue to have a dialogue with their submissive because they are “in charge” and will “control the relationship”. Being in a D/s relationship has traits just like any other – and one is that it is going to continue to emerge. Therefore, it’s important to be open to continuing the discovery of where you are at any point in time.

STEP TWO

The next step is to have an idea of where you want your D/s relationship to go. You’ve talked with your sub and you both know what each others limits are, and what practices are acceptable – but what does it actually look like?

This is part of the problem with the majority of the BDSM community, especially for those who may be considering or just entering the lifestyle – because what you see throughout the internet, books, and other media is an “end-state”, if you will. Scenes of anal sex, deep throating, bondage, spanking, squirting, cock sucking, intense positions, toys galore, suspension, mouth fucking, rope and other yummy stuff.

I’ve traveled to a lot of foreign countries – throughout South America, Asia, and Europe. And I want to take Kasai to many of these places. The exact location is mostly irrelevant so long as we are together.

That’s the problem with the BDSM porn – it reveals nothing but kinky sex, and it’s a fixed and exact address.

Kinky sex is amazing. Let me correct that – it’s AMAZING! But all forms of D/s, M/s, TIH/, power exchange (total or otherwise) is more than kinky sex.

There are countless recipes of how each relationship works, but they all involve more than just penis-in-vagina, spanking, etc. Most websites fail to talk about it, and those that do simply tell the Dom to take charge. Think of it this way – they are showing you an awesome pair of underwear and are offering you to wear the pair that they own – wouldn’t you rather wear your own?

Don’t get me wrong, you have to know where you are going – but that’s only 1 of the four steps in this, because you have to know how you’re going to get there. You need some check points along the way to help make sure you stay on the right path. You need to start planning.

And that’s the problem with most BDSM sites, videos, and books – they talk about the destination, but not the trip itself. You need to know where you are going, and it’s great to look at ‘finished products’, but remember just like the first step – this one is reoccurring. Because you will never actually arrive – you will always be emerging.

STEP THREE

Once you know where you are and where you want to go, you next need to figure out how to get there. This is where BDSM training comes into the picture. And you need to figure out the smaller elements that make up the larger picture you are trying to paint.

As I’ve mentioned, I’ve traveled quite a bit. My favorite way to travel is by train, and I enjoy long road trips as well. In both modes of traveling, you don’t just magically appear at your destination. There are layovers, pit stops, stops at scenic points and unplanned pauses. Sometimes there are alternate routes and overnight stays – even an occasional flat tire or delay.

Too many people don’t factor these things into their relationship, let alone in any dimension of a D/s.

But all of these things are what makes traveling fun. Of course, if we don’t know how to handle them, they can also make for the worst trip ever!

So, you have a vision for where you’re headed, don’t expect to simply arrive – break it down, figure out all the little things that you need to do. Look for natural pauses to reflect and make changes to the route if needed. It’s okay to shift directions.

Don’t run yourself out of gas. Sometimes you can push yourself too far and not reach your destination. Know your limits, physically, emotionally, and spiritually – and work within them, not against them.

Don’t pass a gas station in the Southwest at night – the rest are probably closed.

Don’t become distracted. You’re going to be multi-tasking – we all do it. You’re listening to the radio, having conversations – but don’t lose focus on what you’re doing. You’re trying to get somewhere, don’t allow the stresses to put you in an adverse position.

You can’t drive on two roads at the same time – pick one route and journey down that road for a spell. You can always turn around if you need to, or take a different side-road, but it’s best to focus on one area of training at at time.

The best trips make you want to go back! Everyone has their favorite places – a park, bridge, painting, or song you could listen to over and over. Let it be the same way in your D/s – just because you’ve trained on a specific area doesn’t mean you can’t go back to it! You never know what you might find on the return trip.

Always travel with an emergency kit. Know some basic first aid, and know how to read when things aren’t going well. If you’re playing with bondage – have a pair of scissors. If you’re using candles, have a fire extinguisher.

STEP FOUR

The final over-arching step in BDSM training is to know when you’ve arrived. In some ways, this is easy, and in others not so much. All training should be specific and attainable, and while it should be time-based – we often lose focus on what that means.

For example, lets say a Dom want’s to have anal sex with a submissive who has never had anal sex before. They know where they are at (no anal experience) they know where they want to go (have anal sex) and plan a training regime. The Dom decides that it will take 4 scenes to prepare the sub for anal sex by increasing anal play each time. On the 4th scene, the Dom lubes up after some anal play and slams his cock into the subs ass – the sub experiences a lot of pain and freaks out asking for it to stop. The Dom replies “Im in charge here slut, and you’ll take my cock in your ass and thank me for it!”. The Dom continues to fuck the subs ass, and in her heart she is angry, deeply hurt, and half feels like she was raped, but doesn’t know how to process the emotions because she cares for her Dom.

I used to train horses. One of the most important elements is to know when to stop training for the day. You want to push your horse, but you can push too far. If I was training a green horse how to back up, I found that it was better to stop the training as soon as I had a positive response to my hands and reward the horse rather than trying to keep pushing for more and more – because only one  thing are going to happen – the horse is going to get tired, you’re going to get frustrated – and you’re going to have to stop on a bad note.

That’s what the Dom in the scenario above did. Instead of the training ending on a positive note – it ended horribly. The inexperienced Dom was seeking his own self-centered ego deciding that if he didn’t follow through with his plan then he would seem weak to the sub. He probably knew before penetrating her ass that it wasn’t going to go well – and he could have rejoiced that they had gone this far as it was. Though the overall goal wasn’t met – they did explore new things, experiencing pleasure from the anal play.

Sometimes, you have to know when to stop. A submissive wants to please and one of the ways to do this is through positive affirmation and rewards – but you can’t do that if you push things too far too fast.

If the Dom had finished on a positive note – and moved onto the next training area and maintained some anal play, he could have created a new training area in the future for more anal training picking up where they left off. By that time, the submissive would have found an increase in pleasure – felt more anxiety release from her and be more willing as well as relaxed and prepared for anal sex.

The other element the Dom in this scenario presented was a total lack of knowledge regarding something never experienced. And here’s the thing – it’s not just anal sex! Nearly every aspect of BDSM is going to be new to you – don’t think that just because you’re the new Dom that you have it all figured out.

It takes patience, constantly learning and mastering your craft to feel the edges and know which boundaries to push and when to push them.

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