:: D/s Assignments

Another type of searching folks have used relates to assignments that a Dominant might give to their submissive.

I think this is one area that a lot of people don’t talk often about. What are they, and how can a Dom use them?

Assignments are taskings a Dominant will instruct their submissive to perform that, unlike an order, they may allow the sub to make some choices (most of the time). An order says “do this” – protocol says “when you do this, do that”. A rule says “you will always do that”.

I believe that assignments can be useful, especially if we relate them to something that the Dom might be training the sub on. And because it’s not a rule or an order, the Dom can provide incentives for their completion as well.

Some examples of assignments might be reading, taking a class, purchasing something,  self-pleasure, an act of service, practicing tasks or positions, writing, watching a film, etc.

I was having an extended conversation with Kasai about the nature of our D/s dynamic. We were sharing emails and talking about different elements, and when I began I told her that one of the things we would do, is search and find photographs that would help ‘show’ the other person what we were talking about.

After we shared the photos, then we would talk about them, how we felt about them, and how they relate to us.

Kasai’s assignment was to find 4-5 photos of each category and send them to me. The actual photos she sent and the process she used to find them were up to her.

Written assignments are fairly easy to manage – write in your journal/diary so many times a week; write an essay on this topic or that topic, etc. But especially if you want your submissive to focus on a specific area, or to learn something new. Writing about your scenes the following day can help both Dom and sub learn about how the other processes the events. Researching and writing about something new gives the submissive the opportunity to hear from others and incorporate that into your desires.

Assignments can also be used to demonstrate both Dominance and submission. You can be creative with them. These are more task oriented. Such as dressing a specific way for the day, or performing a specific activity – these don’t allow as much variance from the submissive, but provide the same purpose.

These are less of an “order”, because they are focused not so much on the event itself, but what is drawn away from it. And that’s the real purpose behind any assignment, actually.

:: Anal Orgasm

tumblr_nap8blYKHo1tfdy4uo1_500Another key phrase used by some people to wander into emergingdom. Some were looking for “step by step” instructions on how to experience an anal orgasm. I believe that there are many people who want to explore anal play; however, it’s mostly taboo in our culture. It’s dirty and nasty. No good girl or guy would ever think about it. This notion becomes engrained at an early age – it’s a part of the value system held by most of Americans.

It’s no wonder, because sex itself is a hush-hush topic. Sure, we all love it, but we don’t talk about it. Before the 00’s, sex on TV and the movies was all done by innuendo, under the sheets, and in the missionary position only. It was only male and female. Anything else would likely garner protests or backlash from sponsors and society alike.

We don’t seem to know how to talk about sex even with our partners. What we like, don’t like, want to try, or fantasize about. Sometimes we might have a close friend that we talk to more openly than we do our own partner.

So, it’s no wonder that anal play, let alone anal sex is so taboo. It’s “exit only” after all. You don’t want to get dirty, contract a disease, or to be considered homosexual after all.

But the truth is, anal sex is a very intimate and powerful moment. Anal play can feel amazing and lead to very intense orgasms. So, how do you experience it?

The first step is to shake off your fears and actually talk about it. But here’s the thing, if it’s been something your partner has felt was taboo, all they will hear is pain-wrong-hell-dirty-messy or any number of other similar feelings.

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A little fingering, and a lot of patience goes a long way

Keeping that in mind, when you do talk about anal play, it needs to be in the right atmosphere, and not something like “So, have you ever thought about being fucked in the ass?” That’s probably not going to get you anywhere.

So try this – one evening, while your having sex with your partner, apply some lube to your finger and gently rub her ass. Nothing more. The next day ask her how that felt in the moment.

Let a few scenes pass, and then do the same thing. Nothing more than gentle rubbing. Talk about it again. If there are negative value based feelings, the experience of feeling pleasure can help begin to eradicate the fears. But be prepared to continue to move slowly, especially if the negative feelings are deeply implanted.

Once both of you are open to exploring, it’s time to have fun. Start by reading articles and watching films that discuss anal play and anal sex (not porn). Purchase some good anal lube and be prepared to buy a different style or brand. Every woman’s reaction will be different to the lube.

Once you know what lube to use – use it! But just because you know what lube to use, and your ready to use it, doesn’t mean you just slap it on your cock and thrust on in. Again – if you want her to enjoy it i.e. – if you want it again, it needs to be pleasurable. So here’s one way to proceed:

During your moments of foreplay, apply some lubrication to your finger and rub her ass. Begin to press in slightly as you continue to outline her ass. Apply some lubrication to a small (1” or less in diameter) anal plug and slide it in slowly. When I say “some lubrication” I mean enough to allow it to slide in. Yes, it might have been “too much” but until you know how much is too much, it’s better to use more than less.

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Make her orgasm with plug inserted

Once the anal plug is in – clean your hands and use your hands or other toys to make her come. Having an orgasm with the plug inserted will help associate it with pleasure. After she’s had an orgasm or two – feel free to remove the plug and move on to the rest of your evening.

Repeat that several times over a few weeks. Again – you want her to enjoy it – and you have to take it slow, and be patient. Continue to talk about how it feels.

Once she’s become used to the idea of having a plug in her ass, you can continue with a slightly larger plug and increase the amount of anal play during your foreplay. Start off with the same steps I wrote previously – and after her first orgasm, replace the smaller dildo with the larger one. Bring her to another orgasm with the larger plug in.

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Use of Anal Hook and Wand

Buy a good glass anal dildo and use that – if it’s larger than the smallest plug – do the same thing. Use the plug first and then begin to use the anal dildo. Stoke her ass with it as you please her. Make her O as the dildo is moving.

Do this several times, on and off again. Your goal here is after a few times once she is on the verge of an orgasm only use the dildo. If you playing with her clit – stop just as she’s about to come. If your using another toy on or in her pussy – stop just as she’s edging and can fall over the cliff by the use of the dildo alone.

Next time your ready for some anal play, only use sporadic teasing on her pussy as you stroke her ass with the dildo. Let it be the primary source of pleasure.

Once a woman experiences that she can orgasm through anal play, and feels the pleasure it brings to both her and you, she will be ready to move on to anal sex.

But be warned – this process could take time. So, you have to be patient. You need to continue to talk about it. At any point in time there is discomfort or pain – stop. Don’t associate the play with it. Discover if it was the lubrication, the toy itself, or other factors.

If after a light amount of anal play your partner doesn’t want to proceed, don’t make this a big deal. Anal sex isn’t a deal breaker – and you can turn it into one if you do nothing but push.

My sole goal for anal with Kasai was to give her pleasure. Of course I wanted to experience it with her as well; however, her interests were and are ahead of mine. That “sub first” approach allowed Kasai to trust me more, and I was ecstatic when she experienced a squirting orgasm from anal play alone.

Anal play, anal sex, and anal orgasms are all great things – they shouldn’t be taboo, and can be extremely pleasurable for both partners. Have fun, and remember that the right lube, and the right amount of lube is key along with the desire to please your partner.

:: BDSM Training ~ it’s more than kinky sex

sexualityFor most D/s relationships the Dominance and submission is more than kinky sex – an while it may be different in every relationship, it can help to understand what sex is.

For some, it’s the mere act of penetration. If this is the definition – it’s kinky sex.

For me, it’s any activity that results in the increasing of the potential for orgasm. That is to say, it heightens your sexual awareness. It is an activity that turns you on. It is sexual in nature. It arouses your sexuality. If we use these definitions – it’s more than kinky sex.

But where does this leave us?

First, let’s back up. Through initial or ongoing communication (and negotiating), you should know where you stand with your partner regarding the degree of authority or Dominance is. That doesn’t mean it won’t change over time, but without having this knowledge, it’s impossible to train properly without a “What the fuck was that” moment.

So, back to sex and sexuality. 

Does kissing increase your sexual awareness? If yes, then you should have some level of authority over it.

How about dancing, talking dirty, spankings, bondage, flirting, holding hands, clothing, masturbation, foreplay, acts of service, massages, etc? What about physical stamina or other characteristics that feed into these or other areas?

If you answer “yes”, then you should have an active role as the top in them. As a Dom, you don’t just enforce when you have sex, but dominate all of the “hows” and “leading up to’s” as well. We do this through training – exercises, discipline, punishments, rewarding, assignments, instructions, etc.

If you want structure in your relationship – look to these areas and others and find ways to incorporate them into your training. Remember, these areas are not just about what the Dom receives, but also the sub. Does physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time or other areas increase her desire for you? If so, the Dom should be paying attention to them, and possess some level of dominance in them.

Having authority in areas outside of penis-in-vagina doesn’t mean you have to micromanage your lives. Creating accountability can heighten and increase sexual awareness. Nobody wants a robot. I’ve been married to Kasai for 17 years and we have a beautiful life we are living. But I don’t want a Gorean sex slave who doesn’t have a will or desire of her own. 

For example, Kasai wears either her collar or a necklace everyday. I don’t tell her which one to wear, her level of accountability is that she wears one. Of course, if I told her to pick out a specific one she would, but I don’t micromanage which one. She wears it knowing that it pleases me – I don’t want to turn pleasure into madness, I don’t over-control it. But I still exercise authority in this area.

That’s why communication is so important. Don’t live with false expectations. Know what your limits are and how to handle those limits. Doing so can deepen and make more meaningful that which you are seeking. 

Let’s return to training as we close. These are all areas that need some degree of training, be it planned or on the spot. If you don’t pay attention to these areas, you aren’t demonstrating their importance, and soon, your sub who is seeking constancy will notice and begin to have an emotional connection to the disconnect.

Remember, all training should be specific, goal oriented, attainable, and realistic. Telling your sub to find a new way to please you isn’t being dominate, it’s being lazy and setting up the submissive for failure and you for regret.

I’m sure your desire is to improve your sex life, to create a deeper connection and enhance the dominance and submission elements of your relationship. That being said, your sub wants to please you and already finds pleasure in doing so. Remember this as you use corrective measures as it demonstrates you have the authority and that you are paying attention to the details. But more importantly, remember it as your reward your sub. She desires to please you – establish a pathway that leads to success.

:: Planned Training

obedience1Yesterday was some thoughts on OTS, today I’ll share some on Planned Training. As I have mentioned several times in earlier posts, training is an essential part of a D/s relationship. But it’s one of the most neglected in media – be it books, video, the web, etc. It seems nobody talks bout it, other than to say, you should do it.

Rather, you’re given an image, a picture and you’re left trying to figure it out. This builds frustration and anxiety as you don’t simply wake up one day and magically have things happen. Yes, it’s true that every D/s is different, but certainly there are some principles that could apply to all/most?

A Dom needs to be patient and methodical. You have to think about the things you want. You need to research, plan, and coordinate. Think big – think small.

Ask yourself, where do you want to be in a year? How can that image be broken down into subgroups? Any relationship – and especially any D/s is complex – there are different components. What can you do regarding those sub areas to create scenes or moments to train your sub on it?

In most D/s relationships you have elements of cock/pussy ‘worship’, obedience, receiving pain, rough sex, anal sex, service, communication protocols, submissive positions, fetishes, and it goes on…

Now, in that one paragraph, I listed 9 areas. So, if I took my ideal of each one, and said “this is what I want to see”, I could develop a plan to navigate. It’s better for your plan to be goal based – not time based. In other words, don’t tie yourself to one session, if it takes 2 months, that’s okay.

It’s best to focus on one area at a time. Take that subgroup and look at where you are at right now and where you’d like to be. Develop scenes to focus on them, have your sub read specific articles or watch specific videos and write about it. Talk about it, it’s okay to let your submissive know a little about what you’re doing. Give her the end state – if she knows, she will probably be paying more attention and be find more enjoyment.

The training should be attainable and realistic. Some areas might be easier than others to develop a training plan. But none are impossible. It just takes a little time and creativity.

“If I’m focused on the 1 area, how do I handle the rest”, you ask? Don’t neglect them – play around in and with them. Just enjoy where you are at with them for the moment.

At the end, celebrate and reward.

:: On the Spot

tumblr_n7x0tqTz1S1tfdy4uo1_500Yesterday, I mentioned a couple different types of training – On the Spot (OTS) and Planned Training (PT), thought I’d linger around the first one a little bit more today and then the second one starting tomorrow.

As I mentioned, OTS training/instruction/correction/guidance are those singular moments we take to provide insight on an action, process, position, or word that is in process – i.e. your sub is doing/saying something – and it needs to be tweaked.

In that moment, you have a decision to make: is it worth it? Many times, we answer with “no” and let it go – even if it contradicted what our desire was. We often justify our non action by saying “it’s only a small infraction” or “it’s not that big of a deal”.

And it may not be a “big deal” – it may be something as simple as:

“Place your hands on the railing, fingers fully extended and joined”

The sub instead grasps the rail with her thumb in a closed grip (as holding a beer for example).

The Dom notices and says “eh”

In a level such as this – the consequence to the Dom’s non-action is slight – but over time it can be large. You will seem to be wishy-washy at some point. And your sub needs consistency at a very deep level. So be consistent. Make the correction, it could be as simple as “That’s not how I told you to grasp the rail, do it like this” (and demonstrate).

Often times, a sub may not perform a task to standard because they don’t completely understand what your saying. Other times, it may be deeper – each situation is unique and will dictate how to respond – but you should respond.

Another type of infraction where the Dom may not make a correction may be the sub performing an action that is giving pleasure to the Dom – maybe you told your sub to perform oral with a specific instruction (or maybe it just needs to be different) – or maybe you told your sub to dress up for a night out – she looks damn hot, but you really wanted her to wear something else.

You may not have provided specific details, or you may have. But what often happens is “Damn, this feels fucking great and I don’t want to hurt her feelings, so I’m just going to enjoy this” or “Damn, she looks amazing! I really wanted her to wear the other black dress, but I don’t want to hurt her feelings”.

Notice – that each sentence has the phrase “I don’t want to hurt her feelings”.

Listen – you are not going to hurt her feelings. If you didn’t provide specific instruction – that’s okay – simply say “What your doing/wearing feels/looks amazing, but try doing/dressing this way”. If you did provide clear direction, be more point blank, and work to correct the nonconformity.

The point remains – you are the Dominant partner. The submissive wants you to dominate. Making corrections OTS is not going to hurt her feelings. It may, in the moment cause a second of emotional shifting, but in the end, she will be thankful.

It’s always recommended to follow up after a correction. With examples of not holding a position correctly or grabbing the railing quite perfectly – you may not need to (except monitor next time) – but with other ones where the subs emotions can get the best of her, it may be worthwhile during aftercare or a free-time to discuss.

:: BDSM Training

If the purpose of training is to teach, show, improve, demonstrate, or otherwise expand, it could be said that every moment should be considered training opportunity for something. From a quick correction to a planned moment they are all important.

On The Spot (OTS)

OTS training is often overlooked and marginalized. These are the quick without notice corrections or instructions, that might be categorized by statements such as “Not that like, that this”, “A little wider”, “This time with both hands”. A Dom might be hesitant to use OTS training because of concern for how the sub might take it. Nobody in life dreams of being corrected, and people often take things personal – but the Dom shouldn’t be slow to offer OTS guidance. The sub wants to please and desires to improve. Without OTS instruction, the sub will believe that everything is fine – meanwhile, the Dom is frustrated that “this isn’t what I wanted”. Subs, remember, don’t take it personal when provided with OTS corrections – your Dom loves what you’re doing already! Be sure during aftercare or a free time to discuss any concerns if you need to.

It all comes back down to communication.

Planned Training (PT)

There should always be PT. Always. There is always something that can be explored, expanded, improved, etc. First thing, is to plan it – that’s why it’s call “planned training”. If you don’t plan the session, your desire will not play out. If you don’t plan the session, it may still be a awesome and amazing moment, but you will find yourself in repeat mode on a fast cycle. Using sessions as a training opportunity can dissolve the redundancy.

Think about where you want to be, and deconstruct that image down into smaller pieces. Once complete, develop a PT session around it. The session doesn’t have to simply be 1, it could be one month of focus. Odds are, your sub will need some time to master the craft, so don’t be concerned about how long it takes. At the end – what you want is a sub who wants & desires to use what you trained her on.

:: Discipline & Punishment

Seems a lot of people try to blur the two together. Others simply use spanking as a means of punishment – even though it’s more of a pleasure to most submissives (and Dom’s as well). Thought I would share a few words on how I look at the difference between them and a couple other similar areas.

First, I’d like to talk about spankings in general. I love giving them. Kasai gets soaking wet over them. I mean dripping, saturated, soaked, and desperate for more over them. Did I mention that she loves getting spanked?

It’s probably similar to how most feel. And we should remember that.

Discipline is a system of behaviors and actions that one lives to show obedience, respect, and adoration. It takes discipline to stay in a submissive position. It takes discipline to act upon receiving direction, even if it’s something we may not want to do. And these things reflect how we feel about the other. That’s from the submissives story.

The Dom side of the picture is from the dispensing end. We discipline our subs by showing, demonstrating, and instructing our sub. We discipline our subs by respecting them and being patient as needed.

To be certain – there will be moments when things aren’t just right. Maybe the position is wrong, or there is a sigh, or look, or other similar element that demonstrates something is off. How we handle these situations can be very important.

Some would resort to a quick spanking. But I think it’s good to draw a distinction between corrective training and punishment. Corrective training is the means and methods used to correct a deficient behavior. Spending extra time on a particular area. Assigning some reading or writing. Doing things again until it’s corrected. It’s not “punishment” in the true sense.

Punishment is on a different level. It is more severe, it can be difficult, and it often takes away something from the sub. If I were to use a spanking on Kasai for a punishment, it would be with the paddle, and she wouldn’t like it at all. But I would so sparingly – because I don’t want her to associate spanking with punishment. That would be like kicking your dog every time she brought you the newspaper.

Punishment doesn’t have to be a spanking. In fact, more often than not – it probably shouldn’t be. But we are often to quick to think about it, so we just use it as a go to method. I’ve learned that the best punishments relate to the infraction. After all, we want to see some correction.

After punishing, you also need to be attentive to the submissives mindset – true punishment can break things we don’t want broken. It can push away rather than draw closer. Just as we are aware of the sub-drop during a scene and care for her afterwards, we also need to be aware that after punishing, some after-care may be necessary.

Just a few thoughts….