:: Root Causes | Identity Problem

I don’t write this post to suggest I have some sort of esoteric awareness as to the root cause of sexual anxiety – but I do think this one particular one is worth discussing.

I admit, when Eyes Wide Shut first came out, I was younger and was hoping for something a lot different. Let’s be honest – we were all hoping for some light porn. But that’s not what was delivered -what we got was a slow tale about things we weren’t interested in at the time.

After re-watching it, I feel Kubrick did a masterful job at probing many of the sexual tensions we face. Of course, he’s not a writer – the movie was based on an old novel written back in 1926 – this is an interesting fact of course, because the issues in the movie are not new.

If you’ll recall Cruise plays Dr. Bill (Dollar Bill) – a doctor who makes a lot of money, believes himself to be successful and established in his life – he’s married to Alice (Alice in Wonderland) who seems more or less content, but detached in many ways from what her life is.

After a party the couple returns home and engage in a conversation. Alice asks Bill he slept with a couple women at the party, and he says that he didn’t – Bill explains that he loves Alice and they further their conversation about jealousy.

Alice: And why haven’t you ever been jealous of me?

Bill: Well, I don’t know, Alice. Maybe because you’re my wife, maybe because you’re the mother of my child and I know you would never be unfaithful to me.

Alice: You are very, very sure of yourself, aren’t you?

Bill: No, I’m sure of you.

Now, as I re-watched the movie, it had been so long that I had forgotten the dialogue, so when Bill says “No, I”m sure of you” – I thought for a moment, wow that sounded great.

Like something out of a Hallmark movie.

It screamed “I’m a romantic who believes in you – me – us” And while it sounded good – it demonstrated the common “Guys are studs – Girls are Sluts”.

But then Alice reveals that she once fantasized about fucking a Naval officer, and would have if the chance presented itself, Bill becomes insecure and everything begins to fall apart.

Bill was fine with accepting his sexual desires and temptations, but couldn’t handle Alice’s. I can understand why though – this is how society speaks about human sexuality:

Guys are manly sexual beasts who need and want to fuck. Girls are mothers, prudes, and don’t need or want sex to find fulfillment

What a bunch of bullshit – and yet we wonder why.

We suppress sexuality – especially women’s to the point where it doesn’t really exist. Women aren’t supposed to think about sex – women aren’t supposed to fantasize about sex – and God forbid if they enjoy it.

This has a tragic result where women don’t view themselves as a sexual being – they don’t view themselves as a treasure. Women are forced to build walls – but these walls can’t sustain the weight of what a woman is – and needs to be.

That’s why it’s not surprising to see so many issues in relationships – marriages especially. It’s not surprising to see women read erotic novels as a means of escape – it’s not surprising to see novels like 50 Shades take off like a storm. Because in them, sexuality is presented in raw form.

The response to this portrayal is the desire to give in to a primal sexuality – to experience a deep connection with her partner.

But there’s a problem – women aren’t supposed to feel this way – they aren’t supposed to act this way, so they feel like they can’t turn to their partner. Ironically, men have the same primal urges – but they often feel like their woman isn’t supposed to be “that kind of woman”, so they fantasize about another – and they often seek to flesh out their desires with another.

This all comes down to the misrepresentation of human sexuality. What both need is a primal connection, but they reject sharing this level of connection with their partner – often out of fear.

And then there are those who take a leap of faith and open up a conversation with their partner about their desires. And the beautiful thing is – this conversation often leads to them diving in to the journey together – both finding that their fears were unfounded the whole time.

It’s not an easy journey. But it’s so worth it. Along the way, there may be struggles with finding a new language, a new way of being and connecting. There is so much false identity that has been soaked in by society, that it takes time to refine.

:: Foundations

For me, a D/s dynamic must be rooted in love and respect. There are many different dimensions in BDSM, and some of those are abusive, which can sometimes make some of the beautiful things hard to see – but I believe they are…or can be there.

Actually, I’d go further in my 1st sentence to say that all relationships should be rooted in love and respect. Just like within BDSM – many relationships of all kinds are not. All you have to do is watch the news, read Facebook, listen to a politician, and the list goes on.

Because we are surrounded by so many ways that are not based in love and show little respect, it can make it hard for us to view our own relationships in such a way. Many times, we end up with a selfish world view when this happens.

When love is primal – we seek the other’s needs, wants, and desires with as much ferocity as we do our own. When respect is rooted deeply in our inmost being, we retain the ability to interact to the other with authenticity.

It’s not always easy to do – we are fed from birth and from every direction (political, social, economic, spiritual, etc) that others must conform to “our” ideals – so much so, that we use ourselves as a baseline in determining if others are in/out/loved/damned/hated/etc – after all, in all these other directions everything is either this – or that.

It’s either loved or hated

It’s either liberal or conservative

It’s either damned or saved

But what if there was more to the story?

I believe there is – I believe that love wins. I believe that I should respect the other in an authentic way, and seek to reconcile with integrity.

What the hell does all of this have to do with BDSM you ask?

In a word: everything.

I hope, through the next few weeks to look at this idea through different lenses to elaborate with more than just a single word.

:: SACRED UNION

The union many find in D/s is different than most others. I believe it is sacred. When we feel the oneness with our partner we celebrate every aspect of our union. Where in some relationships, the woman may fake orgasms and the male may be so focused on his own ejaculation that he’s done in less than 5 minutes – in a D/s the celebration is extended. The woman may experience multiple types and quantities of orgasms, the male may not be concerned with ejaculating at all. But every orgasm – and every ejaculation is a point of celebration. They are gifts from and to each other.

Learn to deepen your relationship with your partner. There was a spark of wonder when you met – reignite that and live in it. See the beauty in your partner – the beauty that is otherworldly. The beauty that they may not even see within themselves.

Too often, from so many sources, we can become self-conscience of ourselves. We think we are skinny or fat. We feel we should have larger breasts or a bigger penis. We think we are too short or small. If we only had different hair, were stronger, or had more money.

We need to learn to love ourselves as our partner loves us. All of these negative emotions and feelings are a result of self-awareness. If we lose ourselves into the sacred bond and see the beauty within we can awaken to our sexual nature that frees us from the negativity.

Touch your partner. Feel their heart and their breath. Wrap yourselves in an uncensored blanket of love where there is no shame. Look into each others eyes deeply. Don’t have sex to receive – have sex to give.

While Kasai enjoys receiving gifts at Christmas – what she truly cherishes is giving to another, then watching the joy and excitement that overtakes the other as they receive. The happiness the other experiences, is the foundation for her joy. Sexual intimacy is the same way. When we give to our partner for their sake – for their pleasure, for their desire or satisfaction – we find our own erotic pleasure. When both give to each other in the same manner, it’s cosmic in nature.

But this form of giving sexual pleasure isn’t limited to intercourse. We need to learn the art of touching our partners outside of penetrative sex. We need to master the craft of loving our lover. The more we express our love and adoration to our partner outside of sex, the deeper the connection during sex. The deeper of a connection we experience during sex brings forth a deeper connection outside of sex. We need to couple our bodies, hearts, minds, and spirits into one sacred union.

:: BDSM & TANTRIC SEXUALITY

I realize that most of my postings have been about some form of BDSM or another – from training, to spankings, to discipline, and the joys of sex. Sometimes; however, we often associate a D/s dynamic with fast and hard things – even as we realize the sexual and spiritual union that is deepened through it. But we don’t often talk about it.

Over the next few posts, I want to explore this.

Most couples who have been together a while often complain about their sexuality. It’s become routine. It’s not new, or fresh. It has dissipated to mean intercourse only – and that only happens every now and then. They don’t feel alive. The sex is predictable and boring.

While these are many of the reasons why people begin to explore outside of their relationship, they are also many of the reasons why they turn to each other and try to rediscover their love for each other.

What we need is more intimacy. We need to embrace who we are. To feel satisfied, alive, and fulfilled.

How do we do that?

Some have found it within a D/s dynamic, and as I’ve written about in the past about the History of BDSM, many of the elements within BDSM are not new – people around the world have for centuries discovered beauty and sacredness in their sexuality.

One of these paths was birthed in India nearly 5,000 years ago. It’s the idea that sexuality, spirituality, and emotions are all interconnected. That the human body should be celebrated. Sexual intimacy should be fully enjoyed.

One of the ways to do this, is to rediscover who we are – as individuals, and as a couple. When a couple first meets, they enjoy learning about each other. They enjoy their differences. Each felt that love was a gift and that their partner should be treated with reverence and honor.

In a D/s dynamic, these things are brought back to the forefront. But rather than simply bending your sub over your knee – find a moment to slow down and simply enjoy your partner. Relearn how to communicate – and do so freely. Don’t censor yourself or your emotions and feelings.

When a couple first begins to emerge into D/s, many find it liberating – they had kept their desires bottled up…they didn’t know how their partner would take it…would they be rejected? Rather, they find that their partner embraces them – they find freedom.

Don’t let that sense leave. Continue to move forward in your journey together. Don’t suppress your feelings. Don’t reject your desires. They are beautiful and natural. Embrace them – talk about them – experience them.

:: BDSM SPANKINGS

There were a few times before Kasai and I began our emergence into a D/s dynamic that I smacked her ass, but I never really gave her a spanking. I remember the first time like it was yesterday.

I can recall the moments leading up to, during, and afterwards with great clarity. But I’m not sure I was prepared for how each of us would respond.

As her pussy began to saturate with each strike, I found my own desire intensifying. There was a release within both of us to something primal. And we each began to crave it deeply.

What is it about spankings that can stir up something so deep within us? How do you go about administering a spanking that deepens a bond and level of trust?

There is a plurality of understanding when it comes to spankings. On one hand, we are raised to not hit a woman, and some have a difficult time grasping the power of a spanking, because they can’t get over this one side. Part of it remains, because any abusive element is wrong.

But there is another side – the side where both parties want and enjoy it. Some may even say that they need the experience of it. On this side, there is no abuse, because it’s given and received freely – it’s yearned for and desired.

This is the realm of spankings.

There is a physiological element that is not always easy to describe. Because many view it as taboo, and because of the perception of abuse, it can be difficult to say why you enjoy spanking your sub, or why you want to be spanked by your Dom.

Through the power of spankings; however, resides a mechanism to deepen bonds – to soften wills – to strengthen relationships. It heightens sexual awareness and arousal. They release tension and sharpen the edges of the D/s dynamic.

TYPES OF SPANKINGS

I would suggest that there are several types of spankings. There is a maintenance spanking – maybe it’s every day, or once a week – but these are planned and scheduled – they occur whether intercourse follows or not. They can serve as a reminder of the D/s dynamic. They can be a ritual, or part of a protocol.

There are playful spankings – these are probably less intense than a maintenance spanking, and most often will be accompanied by intercourse (before, during, or after); however, they can often be very intense.

There are also therapeutic spankings. There have been times when Kasai was struggling with things, and I just “knew” that what she needed was a good spanking. So, I had her lay over my lap and used my hand to spank her ass. With each strike, her tension subsided. It wasn’t really “sexual” in the way most other spankings are, but it was still powerful.

Then there are spankings for discipline and/or punishment. These are normally more intense than the others, and are a result of some kind of nonconformity. Generally, a spanking is seen, understood, and experienced as a positive thing – something that quickens our sexual urges; however, a spanking given for discipline is administered as a form of correction and most likely are not directly followed by intercourse.

INSTRUMENTS, SEVERITY, & LOCATION

BDSM Poster BDSM Spanking

You have to know your instruments. Whether you use your hand, a crop, paddle, cane, flogger or other tool. You need to know how hard each one strikes. You need to know how they are felt over a bare ass or if she has panties on – or a dress, or pants. You need to know how long it will take to heal from a spanking.

The hand is the most personal instrument. You “feel” each strike just as she does. Because of the shared physiological response it’s easier to understand how it is being felt. And you can change the way the spanking is felt more than just with the velocity of your hand. You can strike with just your finger tips, with a cupped palm or flat hand. You can use the back of your hand. You can spank and hold, or vary the degree of follow through.

Other instruments offer differences as well. The longer the instrument, the more bite it generally carry. The harder (wood vs leather) it is, the more severe it will be. If the instrument is flexible and soft as with many floggers you can swing pretty hard and it will won’t be as intense as something like a cane that is hard, very thing, and often long.

Clothing adds a degree of padding to the ass. While a bare ass will leave red imprints almost immediately from a spanking, if she has on any clothing, the physical reaction will be less intense. While most spankings are given on a bare ass, it can be just as sexy as a quickie to give a quick spanking over her clothes as well.

Most bottoms can probably take a harder spanking than what most Tops typically give. Dom’s may have a tendency to back off at the site of her ass becoming rosy or slight bruising. But you need to be a master of your craft – you need to know what the reaction is to every level and degree of spankings.

There is something about watching bruises heal as well.

When it comes to where you spank your sub, the ass is probably the #1 spot. The buttocks are soft and able to take a beating like no other place on the human body. While you can spank her pussy, it’s not going to be nearly as hard as it would be on her ass. Same would go with her breasts. The upper and meaty portion of her thighs is probably the #2 spot. In general, you want to avoid spanking around internal organs and be highly conscience of places where bones are close to the surface.

Something happens in a submissives mind, body, and spirit during a spanking. There is the physical reaction (reddening, bruising, etc) and the emotional response which has a wide range. Because of the many ways in which a submissive accepts a spanking, the Dominant partner should administer some degree of after-care. It could be applying lotion, cuddling, warming up under a blanket, etc. But some attention is required.

:: BDSM & LOVE LANGUAGES

Almost twenty years ago, Gary Chapman wrote a book called “The Five Love Languages”, while I think the book is a little over simplified (though not as oversimplified as this post), it’s not totally out in left field. He discusses gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and physical touch. I would disagree that a person responds best to one primary language and suggest that we need to receive (and give) all. That said, there are certainly ways that people  are more easily connected with, so I don’t disagree totally.

A couple major points to remember is that we shouldn’t rely using on the ‘language’ that we prefer – rather, use the one our partner will receive.

The first thing I want think about is how we often rely on these languages after something wrong has happened – for instance, a guy buys flowers after a fight….we seek to embrace our lover after a quarrel…and it continues. We need to become better an expressing our love and desire for our partner without finding ourselves in a pinch, because it’s then that our gift of love isn’t taken as just a gesture.

PHYSICAL TOUCH.

Relating to sex, it would seem that physical touch is an easy topic. But remember that the key thing here is to give to your partner what they need and desire to feel. It’s a selfless act, not a selfish act. I may spend an hour giving myself to Kasai before I even

But it’s more than sex. Most women want to feel their man touch them outside of sex – to be held, to be hugged, to be caressed, or to feel sexy and alive during normal times. They want to curl up in your arms. They want to hold hands, and feel your arms around their waist. Guys, if you do this, the invisible bond is strengthened.

What about what the guys want to feel? Well, they actually want the same things – guys want to feel their women in their arms too. They want to feel you come up behind them and wrap your arms around them. They want to feel sexy as well, and nothing says “I’m the man” than having their woman’s hands on them – could be watching a movie and feeling your hand resting on their cock, or caressing their ass, and of course a passionate kiss works for both.

When it comes to a D/s dynamic things don’t change. Really, it just deepens. The need deepens and enlarges. Submissives need to feel dynamically connected to their Dom through physical touch, both during a scene, but especially when not in a scene. The same goes for Dominants – not only do they need to feel empowered during sex, they need to feel that connection outside of sex.

ACTS OF SERVICE.

In these modern western times, most people appreciate receiving an act of service, but few enjoy giving it. Some of that is from abuse, other aspects are from feminization, and there’s always pride. But acts of service is a powerful way to connect to our lover.

Women want to feel their needs are being taken care of. Most enjoy it when their guy will do things for them that they may normally do. They feel a connection when their man simply does things for them. They want to feel like a lady – like they are special. And one of the easiest ways to do this, is to do something for them.

Guys enjoy it when their lady does things for them as well. Could be a glass of tea or water after doing some yard work. It’s a sign of appreciation when a woman finds a way to do something for their man, and it doesn’t go by unnoticed.

In a D/s, it’s the same. While this language may be more submissive nature, a sub will feel connected through a Dom’s gift in this area. How can a Dom serve their sub? Open doors, act like a gentleman, order desert and feed her for a few ideas. Many subs will demonstrate this language by finding ways to serve their Dom both within the scene and outside as well.

WORDS OF AFFIRMATION.

You would think this one is a no brainer, but we often suck at communication. And this language should really be expanded beyond affirmation to cover all verbal communication.

Most women complain that their partner doesn’t communicate well. Women need to have a good dialogue with their partner, and Kasai is no different (this also happens to be one of my weakest areas to give in). Many women are may have a smaller circle of friends, others are stay at home moms, so the only adult they get to talk to is their partner. Guys, you (myself included) have to learn how to talk better. It’s not okay to talk up a storm with our buddy’s or coworkers and not be able to talk to our woman. We have to learn the art of small talk, we have to open up about bigger issues, and we have to learn our to praise our partner as well.

Guys need the same thing too. We want to chit chat about things we are interested in. We love it when there is something passionate about that we can talk with our girl about. Guys also need to hear some affirmation as well.

In D/s, words (or lack thereof) can make or break things. A Dom needs to be able learn the art of talking during and outside of a scene about what they want without breaking their sub. They also need to be experts in praising and correcting. Subs too need to demonstrate their satisfaction and adoration to their Dom.

QUALITY TIME.

The gift of quality time can be together or alone. While we often spend quality time together, we also need to give the gift of quality alone time as well. I like when Kasai gets to have a girls weekend or girls night out, because she is able to have fun with her close friends. I also love it when we get our own getaway too!

Women’s need for quality time is strong. You can spend all the money you want on a woman, but if you don’t invest your time, you’re going to lose everything. What does she enjoy doing? Is it shopping, yoga, bowling, volunteering? Guys – do it with her and invest energy into ensuring she can do the things she loves to do.

Younger guys are often into video games. Others may enjoy camping or hiking. Some like to hunt. Girls – pick up a controller or buy some shoes to hike in.

Same goes for D/s expressions as well. There’s the obvious quality sex time, but Dominants – you need to invest in after care. Both need to spend quality time having quality discussions about their D/s – learn more about each other, learn more about being a Dom or a sub – and then do it.

GIFTS.

This is one language everybody loves. It becomes engrained in us starting with our 1st birthday. We feel loved when our family and friends think about us and give us a gift that shows their appreciation or love to us.

There are a lot of ways to give gifts to a woman. There’s the obvious ones: jewelry, cards, chocolate, a massage, spa treatment, sex toy, shoes (better let her pick the shoes out though, LOL), and the list goes on. Problem is, most guys don’t think about gifts unless it’s valentines day, a birthday, anniversary, or christmas. Guys – we gotta do better on this one. Give to her throughout the year – and remember, some of the most cherished gifts don’t cost money.

Guys love it when they receive gifts too. But women also have the same problem guys often have – not thinking about gifts throughout the year. Ladies, learn the art of giving gifts to your man that he will enjoy. FYI, nothing says “I love you” quite like a BJ, LOL.

In a D/s it’s the same way. I ordered a bunch of charms a while ago and started giving one to Kasai for different things that we’ve experienced. I also try to send her to the spa every now and then and of course I’ve bought a sex toy or two. Gifts are easy to give to each other (Dom or sub) – we just need to know (through quality time and communication) what our lover desires.

:: SUMMARY.

Again, the important thing is when we give the gift of our love, affection, adoration – Dominance or submission, that the gift is for the other’s pleasure and satisfaction, not our own. Many things may be mutual in nature. But we need to key in on what our partner wants – on what they resonate with – on the things they enjoy to receive. When we do that, we act our of selfless love and devotion to our partner.

In a D/s dynamic, we find ourselves revealing our inner most secret desires. We talk about our wants and needs. We want to explore our kink and push boundaries. We often find ourselves enjoying things we once may have considered taboo as we dive into a tantric sexuality.

When we do that, the relationship is strengthened and deepened. It becomes more dynamic and resilient. The bond is tempered and hardened in an invisible fire that sears the two into one inseperable  unity

:: Sex Poll

So, I started to revise how and where I’m putting the polls for future accessibility (all from the home page and separated by category), and decided what this world needed was a few more questionnaires, so here we go! There’s been such a great response so far, lets keep it going!

Of the last ten times you had sex, it was (all that apply): 

During the last ten times you had sex female orgasms occurred through and so many times (all that apply:

Of the last ten times you had sex, describe where the man came (all that apply):

The last ten times you engaged in anal sex it was (all that apply):

The last ten blow/hand jobs were initiated by, and occurred in the following locations (all that apply)

And if you haven’t voted yet, here’s the other two:

:: Make Her Feel Dominated

Make her feel dominated. Pin her against the wall or on the bed – let her feel your weight – Manhandle her – use your hands to feel every inch. Put your hands on her throat, in her mouth. Pick her up. Pull her hair.

Just a few ways to make her feel your dominance.

BDSM Transition | Total Power Exchange

For some, when they enter into a D/s dynamic, the exchange of power goes beyond the couples sexuality. Issues may range from how the house is maintained, or day-to-day activities.

This couple typically finds great pleasure through expressions of love generated by acts of service.

I say this to keep this dynamic love based.

And that’s an important element that often goes by un-talked about. Regardless of the dynamic – the couple should be able to flow naturally and be fueled by love. If the TPE creates an environment where the submissive feels devalued it’s not in love.

I see this in a lot of writings – some using christian overtones, others using porn as their ideal. The dynamic (of any shade) should be filled through expressions of a couple madly in love with each other – not where one is attempting to use their power to control the other.

While the TPE might be 24/7, like the Sexual D/s dynamic, it probably has different faces depending on the situation. We might often describe this as ‘protocol’. When alone the level of protocol might be more overt than when in the presence of others.

Creating different levels of protocol doesn’t take away from the dynamic, rather it allows the couple to express their love through free and natural ways.

Sometimes, this dynamic is entered into, because the submissive is tired of the Dominant partner forcing them (the sub) to constantly make decisions. Other times, the submissive genuinely needs and desires more structure, direction, or accountability.

In order to find the right protocol, a lot of communication will be required (before, during, and after). And when talking about the structure, I would invite the Dom to open a lot of it to the sub. As mentioned, sometimes the sub really just needs and wants a little more accountability – so consider the difference between “You will do this” to “What plan do you want to maintain?” – then, tweak if necessary after some discussion, and then follow through.

I’ll write more about it in the near future, but as an example – when I counsel the people who work for me, and we come up with a plan of action – the plan is generated through dialogue with a lot of input from the subordinate. Later, when we sit down to assess the plan – if something wasn’t completed the conversation is drastically different than if I had simply told them what to do.

It goes from “You didn’t do what I told you to” to “You said you were going to do this – but it didn’t happen” – in other words, there is ownership by the sub to the task. It’s not something forces or coerced, it’s something they helped birth.

I’m rambling….

:: BDSM Transition | Kinkier Sex

What happens after kinky sex can vary, it may lead to kinkier sex, or it may lead to a more defined Dominant and submissive relationship (which more often than not includes sex….really great kinky sex). But with the hope of breaking down the transition into several elements, I am going to segregate this next step as kinkier sex.

What is kinkier sex? I’ll define it as anything that probably isn’t talked about in Cosmo or Mens Health. While these types of popular magazines might have articles about anal, blow jobs, new locations or positions, they pretty much end there. But there is something beyond these things.

If you Google the phrase “kinky sex”, it will take you a while to find anything really kinky – in fact, it’s not the best phrase to use for good results. What you will find are about what magazine articles will talk about. You might have a list about light spanking, or being a little aggressive. There may be talk about oral sex.

But your not going to find much of anything about wax, breath play, shibari, water sports, face fucking, use of paddles, crops, or floggers, fucking machines, nipple clamps, electro stimulation, sexual torture, and the list continues…….

What generally happens, is that even those who enjoy kinky sex, it can be difficult to move into anything else, let alone a fetish. To go from using an Adam & Eve vibrator to a fucking machine or to move beyond some light playful spanking to using a cane and leaving some beautiful marks is a lot for some. For many, it can feel like you’re ‘coming out’ to talk about water sports, because you might be concerned about the reaction from your partner.

Typically, the conversation for kinkier sex is the same one for any level of power exchange. And while it can be difficult to find the words, you need to. Because many of these acts are on a different level – some are S&M – and it’s not wise to inflict pain on your partner without discussing it. Others are fetish related, and the conversation needs to happen.

Like with kinky sex, there are ways to initiate it. Go to website that sells toys beyond your standard vibrator or cock ring, and browse there for a while and have the same conversations “It would be great to try this”….”You would look amazing in that”….”I’d love to use this on your”….etc.

But once the door is open, you need to continue the conversation. Look through Tumblr accounts, read articles on the different activities together – become more educated. Many find it useful to use a pre-built checklist or you can create your own to help in the dialogue to help you and your partner figure out where and how far you each want to go.

What’s more is you need to figure out where each of you DON’T want to go and what happens if something gets pushed too far.

Don’t misunderstand me, this isn’t a one time conversation. Kasai and I still talk about these things. As your getting started, it’s going to be important to talk about these activities after you have experienced them to see how each other felt about it. Doing so will continue to generate pleasure by tweaking this or trying that.