For most D/s relationships the Dominance and submission is more than kinky sex – an while it may be different in every relationship, it can help to understand what sex is.
For some, it’s the mere act of penetration. If this is the definition – it’s kinky sex.
For me, it’s any activity that results in the increasing of the potential for orgasm. That is to say, it heightens your sexual awareness. It is an activity that turns you on. It is sexual in nature. It arouses your sexuality. If we use these definitions – it’s more than kinky sex.
But where does this leave us?
First, let’s back up. Through initial or ongoing communication (and negotiating), you should know where you stand with your partner regarding the degree of authority or Dominance is. That doesn’t mean it won’t change over time, but without having this knowledge, it’s impossible to train properly without a “What the fuck was that” moment.
So, back to sex and sexuality.
Does kissing increase your sexual awareness? If yes, then you should have some level of authority over it.
How about dancing, talking dirty, spankings, bondage, flirting, holding hands, clothing, masturbation, foreplay, acts of service, massages, etc? What about physical stamina or other characteristics that feed into these or other areas?
If you answer “yes”, then you should have an active role as the top in them. As a Dom, you don’t just enforce when you have sex, but dominate all of the “hows” and “leading up to’s” as well. We do this through training – exercises, discipline, punishments, rewarding, assignments, instructions, etc.
If you want structure in your relationship – look to these areas and others and find ways to incorporate them into your training. Remember, these areas are not just about what the Dom receives, but also the sub. Does physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time or other areas increase her desire for you? If so, the Dom should be paying attention to them, and possess some level of dominance in them.
Having authority in areas outside of penis-in-vagina doesn’t mean you have to micromanage your lives. Creating accountability can heighten and increase sexual awareness. Nobody wants a robot. I’ve been married to Kasai for 17 years and we have a beautiful life we are living. But I don’t want a Gorean sex slave who doesn’t have a will or desire of her own.
For example, Kasai wears either her collar or a necklace everyday. I don’t tell her which one to wear, her level of accountability is that she wears one. Of course, if I told her to pick out a specific one she would, but I don’t micromanage which one. She wears it knowing that it pleases me – I don’t want to turn pleasure into madness, I don’t over-control it. But I still exercise authority in this area.
That’s why communication is so important. Don’t live with false expectations. Know what your limits are and how to handle those limits. Doing so can deepen and make more meaningful that which you are seeking.
Let’s return to training as we close. These are all areas that need some degree of training, be it planned or on the spot. If you don’t pay attention to these areas, you aren’t demonstrating their importance, and soon, your sub who is seeking constancy will notice and begin to have an emotional connection to the disconnect.
Remember, all training should be specific, goal oriented, attainable, and realistic. Telling your sub to find a new way to please you isn’t being dominate, it’s being lazy and setting up the submissive for failure and you for regret.
I’m sure your desire is to improve your sex life, to create a deeper connection and enhance the dominance and submission elements of your relationship. That being said, your sub wants to please you and already finds pleasure in doing so. Remember this as you use corrective measures as it demonstrates you have the authority and that you are paying attention to the details. But more importantly, remember it as your reward your sub. She desires to please you – establish a pathway that leads to success.