:: Make Her Feel Dominated

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Make her feel dominated. Pin her against the wall or on the bed – let her feel your weight – Manhandle her – use your hands to feel every inch. Put your hands on her throat, in her mouth. Pick her up. Pull her hair.

Just a few ways to make her feel your dominance.

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:: Demonstrating Dominance

As a Dominant partner, you will be looked to by your submissive for direction, correction, instruction, and guidance. It’s a role that will require much of you – your time, consideration, attention. You must be consistent and you need to find a way to establish your authority.

This process will initiate during your negotiations. Anything that you have authority over is something you should exercise authority over. And this is why it’s an ongoing process to identify those areas, because things will continuously emerge.

To put it plainly – if you have responsibility and authority over a specific area – you need to act like it. Your sub said they wanted to submit to you in those areas – they want you to Dominant in them. Finding your personalized way of doing so may take time, but you need to figure it out.

If in your agreement with your submissive, it was determined that you would be dominant over when/where/how/why/etc you have sex – you need to exercise your authority. In that, I mean – you determine these things and maintain control.

If you agreed that you had final approval over how your sub dresses – you need to ensure this is an area you pay attention to and provide your guidance. Make decisions and follow through with them.

If your sub said they wanted you to be Dominant in how you interact (i.e. the development of protocols) – then you need to establish realistic protocols that function and be consistent in them. If you are Dominant regarding how you interact with each other in vanilla settings, then you need to do the same with these moments as well.

You sub wants you to exercise authority within your agreed limits. And as the Dom, you need to do so. Some things seem easier than others. It’s easier for a new Dom to tell his submissive to bend over his knee for a sexual spanking because they both enjoy it. It’s something they discussed about doing, and it comes very naturally.

Because what are you going to do if your sub fails to follow an instruction? What will you do if your sub says “no”. And what would you do if your submissive uses a safe word?

How you handle these areas can be rewarding or detrimental to your relationship. I believe that every situation dictates how a Dom handles it – in other words, there’s no one-size fits all approach. You need to quickly assess the mitigating or extenuating circumstances and then make a determination on how to proceed.

Generally speaking, a sub doesn’t want to fail – they want to say yes, and they don’t want to use a safe word. They want to please you and find reward through their submission.

That being said, sometimes a sub will not follow your instructions to the “t”. How will you handle these moments? Say for example you instructed your wear a specific set of panties for the evening. You are out on a date and at some point in time, you find out that she is wearing a different set – how will you deal with it? Will you just let it go? Will you find a way to exercise your leadership and authority in a way that builds upon your relationship? Will you simply spank the sub?

It’s just a pair of panties – no big deal, right? You gave specific instructions, so while it may not be a ‘big deal’ – you still need to do something. This was an area determined you would have authority over, and as such, you provided some specific direction.

If, without question you simply bend her over your knee and spank her – you may have exercised authority – but you may not have address the actual problem; therefore, you have turned towards the tyrant rather than the Dominant.

Even in the little things you need to find the root cause. Question her – maybe she totally misunderstood you, maybe the pair of panties was dirty, maybe she couldn’t do the laundry due to another issue, maybe she just said ‘fuck you’.

The simple action of questioning is in itself an act of authority – it is placing her actions accountable to you – she is answering to you. For simple neglect you will be surprised how a few questions and telling her your unhappy can affect her. For areas of misunderstanding (or situations outside her control)- the air is cleared and there is no shame on either party. For those times she knew what you wanted but didn’t do so due to situations within her control – corrective measures and discipline are in order. Typically “fuck you” moments are systemic of issues well beyond the nonconformity.

And it’s not just the negative – the negative simply gets more press. How will you exercise your authority to reward your submissive?

Again, your submissive wants you to make decisions and take control in those agreed upon areas. She wants you to lead and guide the two of you in your journey. She wants you to hold her accountable (for both positive and negative). She needs you to be paying attention, to be consistent in how you act, and demonstrate your Dominance.

:: BDSM Emotions

tumblr_na0btuSgJt1tcy75jo4_500I’ve always found it interesting some of the search phrases used that have found some people onto my little space here on the internet. Over the next few posts, I thought I’d share a few of them and some thoughts about them.

The first one is “BDSM Emotions”.

Now, Google thinks I should be asking for “BDSM Emoticons” – which I find both amusing and intriguing. But the persons who used this search phrase ended up on the 3rd page before one of my pages about submissive emotions appears.

This is a pretty important topic though – and it’s one that often isn’t talked about as much as it should be. 

One of the things to remember is a submissive wants to please, and this desire can lead to a wide range of emotions – especially if/when things don’t go right. But it’s not just when things go wrong – even when everything is going perfectly, there can be a heightened sense of emotional feelings that may lead to an overdose of erotic sensations.

On the first part, Dom’s need to be aware that when things don’t go “right”, it probably wasn’t a “fuck you” moment. Shit happens. Life happens. Sometimes we aren’t clear enough in our direction, other times our timing sucks. Sometimes a submissive will put their best foot forward and do their best and find difficulties. Rarely will a submissive simply refuse their Dom.

As a Dom, how we respond to these emotions can lead to strength or sustained issues. If I recognize that Kasai wants to please me, if I become angry or dissatisfied with her, her feelings of rejection will only deepen. There is only so much of “Trust in me – not in what you think I am feeling” will go – especially in the moment. 

You need to talk to your sub and discover the root cause. Through the conversation, if you can lead your sub to discover for herself that things are okay – even better. But I would be cautious on rebuking and punishing as a knee-jerk reaction.

These actions will lead a submissive to not open up to you, and worse – to not desire to be submissive. 

On the positive side of the emotional aspects are those moments where a sub becomes overloaded – we often call this “subspace”. I’ve witnessed Kasai’s body become so overloaded from orgasms that it stopped for about 20 minutes. Her ability to receive pleasure was gone – numb to the pleasure. The physical response caused Kasai to almost become upset – it helped when I was ecstatic. With just a little time, her body began to accept the sensations, and of course I continued to do more interesting things.

After a scene, a submissive’s body, mind, and spirit can take some time to recover. A Dominant should be attentive and care for their submissive. Often times, a sub will be cold or have the intense need to be held. Other times they may find it difficult to get out of bed and will need assistance. Their body may be dry or become very thirsty. 

The actions a Dominant takes during aftercare can lead to a deepening bond or create a sense that the Dom doesn’t care. As a Dom, you want your submissive to return to this space – so care for her. Hold her – caress her body – talk to her – assist her in moving or getting a glass of water. 

Caring for your submissive when things go right and when things go wrong are all pieces of being a Dominant. Subs look to their Dom for leadership, guidance, counsel, and help. Think about your actions, your words, and work towards your ultimate goal.

:: Making Time

tumblr_n9hwq654gG1tvqjt6o1_400Making time with your submissive to connect outside of intercourse is very important. A sub needs quality time to talk and listen, and to just be with you. A Dom needs the same things too. 

A D/s relationship is just as fragile as any other – and both parties have a high desire to please their partner in extraordinary ways. Both need to feel trust and affirmation. 

So take time with each other – enjoy a few moments and just talk – hear each other and continue to emerge in your relationship.

:: BDSM Training ~ it’s more than kinky sex

sexualityFor most D/s relationships the Dominance and submission is more than kinky sex – an while it may be different in every relationship, it can help to understand what sex is.

For some, it’s the mere act of penetration. If this is the definition – it’s kinky sex.

For me, it’s any activity that results in the increasing of the potential for orgasm. That is to say, it heightens your sexual awareness. It is an activity that turns you on. It is sexual in nature. It arouses your sexuality. If we use these definitions – it’s more than kinky sex.

But where does this leave us?

First, let’s back up. Through initial or ongoing communication (and negotiating), you should know where you stand with your partner regarding the degree of authority or Dominance is. That doesn’t mean it won’t change over time, but without having this knowledge, it’s impossible to train properly without a “What the fuck was that” moment.

So, back to sex and sexuality. 

Does kissing increase your sexual awareness? If yes, then you should have some level of authority over it.

How about dancing, talking dirty, spankings, bondage, flirting, holding hands, clothing, masturbation, foreplay, acts of service, massages, etc? What about physical stamina or other characteristics that feed into these or other areas?

If you answer “yes”, then you should have an active role as the top in them. As a Dom, you don’t just enforce when you have sex, but dominate all of the “hows” and “leading up to’s” as well. We do this through training – exercises, discipline, punishments, rewarding, assignments, instructions, etc.

If you want structure in your relationship – look to these areas and others and find ways to incorporate them into your training. Remember, these areas are not just about what the Dom receives, but also the sub. Does physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time or other areas increase her desire for you? If so, the Dom should be paying attention to them, and possess some level of dominance in them.

Having authority in areas outside of penis-in-vagina doesn’t mean you have to micromanage your lives. Creating accountability can heighten and increase sexual awareness. Nobody wants a robot. I’ve been married to Kasai for 17 years and we have a beautiful life we are living. But I don’t want a Gorean sex slave who doesn’t have a will or desire of her own. 

For example, Kasai wears either her collar or a necklace everyday. I don’t tell her which one to wear, her level of accountability is that she wears one. Of course, if I told her to pick out a specific one she would, but I don’t micromanage which one. She wears it knowing that it pleases me – I don’t want to turn pleasure into madness, I don’t over-control it. But I still exercise authority in this area.

That’s why communication is so important. Don’t live with false expectations. Know what your limits are and how to handle those limits. Doing so can deepen and make more meaningful that which you are seeking. 

Let’s return to training as we close. These are all areas that need some degree of training, be it planned or on the spot. If you don’t pay attention to these areas, you aren’t demonstrating their importance, and soon, your sub who is seeking constancy will notice and begin to have an emotional connection to the disconnect.

Remember, all training should be specific, goal oriented, attainable, and realistic. Telling your sub to find a new way to please you isn’t being dominate, it’s being lazy and setting up the submissive for failure and you for regret.

I’m sure your desire is to improve your sex life, to create a deeper connection and enhance the dominance and submission elements of your relationship. That being said, your sub wants to please you and already finds pleasure in doing so. Remember this as you use corrective measures as it demonstrates you have the authority and that you are paying attention to the details. But more importantly, remember it as your reward your sub. She desires to please you – establish a pathway that leads to success.

:: On the Spot

tumblr_n7x0tqTz1S1tfdy4uo1_500Yesterday, I mentioned a couple different types of training – On the Spot (OTS) and Planned Training (PT), thought I’d linger around the first one a little bit more today and then the second one starting tomorrow.

As I mentioned, OTS training/instruction/correction/guidance are those singular moments we take to provide insight on an action, process, position, or word that is in process – i.e. your sub is doing/saying something – and it needs to be tweaked.

In that moment, you have a decision to make: is it worth it? Many times, we answer with “no” and let it go – even if it contradicted what our desire was. We often justify our non action by saying “it’s only a small infraction” or “it’s not that big of a deal”.

And it may not be a “big deal” – it may be something as simple as:

“Place your hands on the railing, fingers fully extended and joined”

The sub instead grasps the rail with her thumb in a closed grip (as holding a beer for example).

The Dom notices and says “eh”

In a level such as this – the consequence to the Dom’s non-action is slight – but over time it can be large. You will seem to be wishy-washy at some point. And your sub needs consistency at a very deep level. So be consistent. Make the correction, it could be as simple as “That’s not how I told you to grasp the rail, do it like this” (and demonstrate).

Often times, a sub may not perform a task to standard because they don’t completely understand what your saying. Other times, it may be deeper – each situation is unique and will dictate how to respond – but you should respond.

Another type of infraction where the Dom may not make a correction may be the sub performing an action that is giving pleasure to the Dom – maybe you told your sub to perform oral with a specific instruction (or maybe it just needs to be different) – or maybe you told your sub to dress up for a night out – she looks damn hot, but you really wanted her to wear something else.

You may not have provided specific details, or you may have. But what often happens is “Damn, this feels fucking great and I don’t want to hurt her feelings, so I’m just going to enjoy this” or “Damn, she looks amazing! I really wanted her to wear the other black dress, but I don’t want to hurt her feelings”.

Notice – that each sentence has the phrase “I don’t want to hurt her feelings”.

Listen – you are not going to hurt her feelings. If you didn’t provide specific instruction – that’s okay – simply say “What your doing/wearing feels/looks amazing, but try doing/dressing this way”. If you did provide clear direction, be more point blank, and work to correct the nonconformity.

The point remains – you are the Dominant partner. The submissive wants you to dominate. Making corrections OTS is not going to hurt her feelings. It may, in the moment cause a second of emotional shifting, but in the end, she will be thankful.

It’s always recommended to follow up after a correction. With examples of not holding a position correctly or grabbing the railing quite perfectly – you may not need to (except monitor next time) – but with other ones where the subs emotions can get the best of her, it may be worthwhile during aftercare or a free-time to discuss.

:: M/s | Tops & bottoms

Thought I’d continue on from my previous post about what Kasai and I are not and start to drift into what we are. There have been some good posts by others lately about not defining who you are as a couple – and I thought it was really well thought out – check out wildwestangel’s article for yourself here.

Again – simply because Kasai and I may not connect a certain way, does not mean that we look down upon others way of connecting – and it should be noted that we too are still emerging.

master-slaveA slave is typically looked at as one who submits in all areas of life to their Dominant partner, or Master. Though I may have to generalize here a little, I do recognize that different people assign different definitions to these and other words.

That being said, being a slave doesn’t mean it’s not consensual; however, everything from how they dress to what they eat is under scrutiny. The power exchange is total – and applies all the time, and it is generally understood that there are no limits controlled by the slave.

A bottom on the other hand, is typically one who relinquishes control to their Top during sex alone. They set limits on their sexual submission. They may, or may not be masochistic.

Most people look at it as some kind of sliding scale – with bottoms on one end and slaves on the other.

Kasai isn’t a slave. I may call her my slave, I may place a collar around her neck, but I recognize that she is my life companion and I don’t try to control every aspect of her life. She’s also not a bottom – she submits to me more than when we are fucking.  Kasai submits her sexuality (which is a pretty large spectrum) to me – as I’ve mentioned we still talk about what that means, and explore different edges of it.

I think the important thing is to not be defined, don’t be set in stone, don’t stay stuck on one picture of what you think you should be. Any relationship requires communication let alone any element of dominance & submission.