:: On the Spot

tumblr_n7x0tqTz1S1tfdy4uo1_500Yesterday, I mentioned a couple different types of training – On the Spot (OTS) and Planned Training (PT), thought I’d linger around the first one a little bit more today and then the second one starting tomorrow.

As I mentioned, OTS training/instruction/correction/guidance are those singular moments we take to provide insight on an action, process, position, or word that is in process – i.e. your sub is doing/saying something – and it needs to be tweaked.

In that moment, you have a decision to make: is it worth it? Many times, we answer with “no” and let it go – even if it contradicted what our desire was. We often justify our non action by saying “it’s only a small infraction” or “it’s not that big of a deal”.

And it may not be a “big deal” – it may be something as simple as:

“Place your hands on the railing, fingers fully extended and joined”

The sub instead grasps the rail with her thumb in a closed grip (as holding a beer for example).

The Dom notices and says “eh”

In a level such as this – the consequence to the Dom’s non-action is slight – but over time it can be large. You will seem to be wishy-washy at some point. And your sub needs consistency at a very deep level. So be consistent. Make the correction, it could be as simple as “That’s not how I told you to grasp the rail, do it like this” (and demonstrate).

Often times, a sub may not perform a task to standard because they don’t completely understand what your saying. Other times, it may be deeper – each situation is unique and will dictate how to respond – but you should respond.

Another type of infraction where the Dom may not make a correction may be the sub performing an action that is giving pleasure to the Dom – maybe you told your sub to perform oral with a specific instruction (or maybe it just needs to be different) – or maybe you told your sub to dress up for a night out – she looks damn hot, but you really wanted her to wear something else.

You may not have provided specific details, or you may have. But what often happens is “Damn, this feels fucking great and I don’t want to hurt her feelings, so I’m just going to enjoy this” or “Damn, she looks amazing! I really wanted her to wear the other black dress, but I don’t want to hurt her feelings”.

Notice – that each sentence has the phrase “I don’t want to hurt her feelings”.

Listen – you are not going to hurt her feelings. If you didn’t provide specific instruction – that’s okay – simply say “What your doing/wearing feels/looks amazing, but try doing/dressing this way”. If you did provide clear direction, be more point blank, and work to correct the nonconformity.

The point remains – you are the Dominant partner. The submissive wants you to dominate. Making corrections OTS is not going to hurt her feelings. It may, in the moment cause a second of emotional shifting, but in the end, she will be thankful.

It’s always recommended to follow up after a correction. With examples of not holding a position correctly or grabbing the railing quite perfectly – you may not need to (except monitor next time) – but with other ones where the subs emotions can get the best of her, it may be worthwhile during aftercare or a free-time to discuss.

:: Discipline & Punishment

Seems a lot of people try to blur the two together. Others simply use spanking as a means of punishment – even though it’s more of a pleasure to most submissives (and Dom’s as well). Thought I would share a few words on how I look at the difference between them and a couple other similar areas.

First, I’d like to talk about spankings in general. I love giving them. Kasai gets soaking wet over them. I mean dripping, saturated, soaked, and desperate for more over them. Did I mention that she loves getting spanked?

It’s probably similar to how most feel. And we should remember that.

Discipline is a system of behaviors and actions that one lives to show obedience, respect, and adoration. It takes discipline to stay in a submissive position. It takes discipline to act upon receiving direction, even if it’s something we may not want to do. And these things reflect how we feel about the other. That’s from the submissives story.

The Dom side of the picture is from the dispensing end. We discipline our subs by showing, demonstrating, and instructing our sub. We discipline our subs by respecting them and being patient as needed.

To be certain – there will be moments when things aren’t just right. Maybe the position is wrong, or there is a sigh, or look, or other similar element that demonstrates something is off. How we handle these situations can be very important.

Some would resort to a quick spanking. But I think it’s good to draw a distinction between corrective training and punishment. Corrective training is the means and methods used to correct a deficient behavior. Spending extra time on a particular area. Assigning some reading or writing. Doing things again until it’s corrected. It’s not “punishment” in the true sense.

Punishment is on a different level. It is more severe, it can be difficult, and it often takes away something from the sub. If I were to use a spanking on Kasai for a punishment, it would be with the paddle, and she wouldn’t like it at all. But I would so sparingly – because I don’t want her to associate spanking with punishment. That would be like kicking your dog every time she brought you the newspaper.

Punishment doesn’t have to be a spanking. In fact, more often than not – it probably shouldn’t be. But we are often to quick to think about it, so we just use it as a go to method. I’ve learned that the best punishments relate to the infraction. After all, we want to see some correction.

After punishing, you also need to be attentive to the submissives mindset – true punishment can break things we don’t want broken. It can push away rather than draw closer. Just as we are aware of the sub-drop during a scene and care for her afterwards, we also need to be aware that after punishing, some after-care may be necessary.

Just a few thoughts….

:: History of BDSM ii

History of BDSM

Continuing from earlier, I’m moving to the East as we see how the history of sexuality has led us to today.

Kamasutra5INDIA

India has played a major role in sexuality, notably because of the Kama Sutra. I’ve been to India, and I can tell you they are still a very sexual people.

The earlier attitudes of Indian sexuality comes from Hindu, Buddhist, and Janism texts as well as the Vedas. They speak of sex, marriage, and rituals.

Sex was primarily seen as a mutual duty between lovers (primarily husband and wife) – each were to please each other mutually and equally. Sex was typically a private affair (even though there is voyerism in their artwork). Kamasutra1

The Kama Sutra is probably the single most important sexual piece of literature ever written. The Kama Sutra had elaborate positions and discussions about sex.

It also mentioned allowable ways and places to strike ones lover.

But as the English and Islamic cultures arrived in India, sexuality was given an adverse blow – sex became a duty.Khajurahosculpture

Still, there remained a tantric philosophy that lingered – that sex was a sacred act, one that was part of our spiritual journey. Some elements of tantric sexuality avoid ejaculation.

That part sucks.

 

 

japaneseJAPAN

Sexuality is treated as a central role in many parts of Japanese history. Japan has also had a strong history of being a ‘shame society’ – where honor is most important. This brings a fresh air of service and humility that we often miss in the West.

geishaOriginally, the Geisha wasn’t a prostitute – she was a trained woman in serving a more holistic approach to sexuality – she knew the arts, music, and conversation.

Women were seen as subservient to men in most respects, though it’s difficult to view their culture through Western culture. The service wasn’t necessarily degrading. japanese

Japan also gave us the tea ceremony, bonsai, shibari, food play, and the art of bukkake among other fetishes.

 

 

chinaCHINA

One of the books I’ve had in my library for years is called the I Ching, in it, sexual intercourse is one of the main ways to understand the world. Heaven it seemed is said to have sex with the earth.

Sex of epic proportions!

China as a long history of moments of sexism. But their literature shows an interest in affecttion, unabashed sexuality and all around open mindedness about sex.

In Taoism, sex is a joining energy – something that provides health and wholeness. Dating back to the Han dynasty, sexual activity was seen as a spiritual activity. Ming Dynasty

While women were typically given a place of inferiority, don’t be mistaken – Taoism requires an equal pleasing for both partners.

Confucianism seemed to squash all that though, making sex more of a taboo topic in public life – but taosim remained in the background, eventually springing up in Japan where it grew stronger.

This last picture is from a sex museum – a little bondage on a big cock!

Chinese Sex Museum

:: After After-Care

in-bedThe process of caring for a submissive doesn’t stop with the end of after-care, actually it’s only beginning.

Too many times, it seems, there is a lack of communication between Doms and subs. I know this is an area that I could improve on.

If there is a training session in progress, taking time afterwards to have some moments to discuss it can be most helpful.

I want to know how Kasai felt about the training – because I want more than mere submission, I want her the task/act of service/etc to be something she enjoys. I want it to be something she found fulfillment in. By knowing how she processed the training, I can better gauge how to push her in the future.

A few moments of an “open-time” where she can talk about her feelings, her fears, her thoughts without fear of repercussion and knowing that I’m listening – I’m hearing her can further push us into each other in new ways.

Kasai isn’t my slave – she is my submissive, and I feel she needs moments to be able to talk – to share her thoughts without being led in them.

By doing so, I believe I can better lead her.

:: kink vs. D/s

fading


So, we found ourselves wrapped in some amazing sex.

And as I looked back, I began to realize that something had begun to fade – my Dominance.

Don’t get me wrong, in a scene it might be hard to tell that it was missing. I told her how to prepare, what to do, what to say. I manhandled her, spanked her – thorough use of toys and instruments, bondage.

All that good stuff.hell So, if judged by the scene itself, you might say “yup, there into D/s”. If some people knew our scenes, they’d probably say we were going to hell…

But does the sex part make it D/s or was it just kinky sex?

When we began our journey – I felt like I was dominating more than just our sex life – I was dominating our sexuality. Throughout the day. She submitted to my instruction, performing different tasks, etc. It heightened our sense of awareness and connection to each other and led to a more primal connection when we did have sex.

Yet even then, I failed to understand the true value of training (and other areas of concern).

There’s nothing wrong with kinky sex (I for one happen to enjoy it!), if that’s all you want. But to be in a healthy D/s relationship – more is required. There has to be a connection of dominance and submission outside of the bedroom (or wherever you have sex).

It doesn’t mean that every aspect of life is micromanaged by the Dom. There are a variety of colors in the world of BDSM, and none are rightfully compared to another; however, there is some need in the vanilla world for each other to recognize their lovers position as either sub or Dom.

For Kasai and I, it’s our sexuality. Every aspect of it – which reaches into multiple areas of life. For you, it may be different.

What do you think, is kink the same as D/s?

:: with a vision

Though there were sprinklings of a future flavor in our history, neither one of us would have expected this new emergence into Dominance and submission. I don’t think we were even thinking about our past glimpses when it was first brought up.

So, when we started talking about some this a couple years ago, and then more heavily mid-last year, I thought long about what we would look like.

What does a Dom look like?

What does a sub look like?

I had some ideas. I read articles. Kasai and I shared our thoughts as she was doing the same. We talked about limits. We looked at some videos, read some blogs. And most of it had some glimpses, but nothing that could really describe, or put into words what I was envisioning.

Still, some rough edges were shaping up. I knew that communication was critical, so I developed 3 simple rules for Kasai:

rule-1rule-2rule-3

And though I had planned some details, and thought about scenes, I guess looking back I assumed that it would just all kind of take care of itself.

What I had drifted us into was incredibly amazing sex.

Im Back

Yes, she did what I told her to – but I wasn’t telling her much outside of sex. I was losing sight of how to hone my Dominance – something I tasted and felt before we actually physically began. I’m not going to lie – the sex was (and is) mind blowing.

Maybe the sex took my eyes away. Maybe it was stress, sickness, work…..life. Who knows. One thing I know for sure:

 

 

:: emergingDom

I knew when Kasai and I began our journey into D/s, that we would continuously learn and grow. That we would probably never “arrive”.

imagesI am an amateur photographer. I’ve hiked deep into the mountains for pictures. I am always looking at different angles. It’s rare that I don’t have a camera with me. I’m always thinking about new things to photograph, and new ways to capture a moment. Many times, I take upwards of a 100 photos only to really enjoy 1 or 2.

This is what I had envisioned for Kasai and I. That we would be constantly emerging. And that’s why I chose the name emergingDom.

When I first picked up the camera – I knew the photographs I wanted to be able to take. Visions of life, beauty and tragedy that carried a message. But I spent years being wondering why I wasn’t there. I knew what I wanted – but I didn’t know how to get there.

As a Dom, I’ve been there too.

Though I knew that I would be continuously emerging – I had a vision for Kasai and I. And sometimes, I would become frustrated that we weren’t there. It resulted in my often not being her Dominate – I was more of a controlling lover.

Don’t get me wrong – the kinky sex was amazing!

But there was a void in me.

There was a void in her.

I remember the first time I took my camera off of auto mode. I made countless mistakes. I had to study quite a bit, but I was able to develop plans to be a better photographer. In different places with different lighting and atmospheres, I would play with my ISO, my shutter speed, and aperture – all on the same subject ending up with numerous photos – just so I could see how those little changes affected the picture.

I logged them down so I would know in the future and I developed reference cards to assist me.

I was training myself to be a better photographer.

fd5479aa0eecf3e59d4a85c016207f1eAs a Dom, I lead Kasai in our sexuality. But what I was previously doing was keeping it in Auto mode and hoping the my Dominance and her submission would just take care of everything. But that’s not how it works.

What was needed was training and purpose.

Kasai needed more from me than kinky sex. She needed specific guidance, direction, a strong hand……dominance, but I wasn’t really giving her anything to submit to. She loves to submit, but struggles with some things, and I wasn’t giving her a path. She also needed affirmation, praise, and rewards.

The past wasn’t a mistake, I didn’t fail at Dominating Kasai, nor did she fail in her submission. But it wasn’t quite right either.

Time to start emerging again.

03ba23d268b93256eec144e8258b101a