:: Discipline & Punishment

Seems a lot of people try to blur the two together. Others simply use spanking as a means of punishment – even though it’s more of a pleasure to most submissives (and Dom’s as well). Thought I would share a few words on how I look at the difference between them and a couple other similar areas.

First, I’d like to talk about spankings in general. I love giving them. Kasai gets soaking wet over them. I mean dripping, saturated, soaked, and desperate for more over them. Did I mention that she loves getting spanked?

It’s probably similar to how most feel. And we should remember that.

Discipline is a system of behaviors and actions that one lives to show obedience, respect, and adoration. It takes discipline to stay in a submissive position. It takes discipline to act upon receiving direction, even if it’s something we may not want to do. And these things reflect how we feel about the other. That’s from the submissives story.

The Dom side of the picture is from the dispensing end. We discipline our subs by showing, demonstrating, and instructing our sub. We discipline our subs by respecting them and being patient as needed.

To be certain – there will be moments when things aren’t just right. Maybe the position is wrong, or there is a sigh, or look, or other similar element that demonstrates something is off. How we handle these situations can be very important.

Some would resort to a quick spanking. But I think it’s good to draw a distinction between corrective training and punishment. Corrective training is the means and methods used to correct a deficient behavior. Spending extra time on a particular area. Assigning some reading or writing. Doing things again until it’s corrected. It’s not “punishment” in the true sense.

Punishment is on a different level. It is more severe, it can be difficult, and it often takes away something from the sub. If I were to use a spanking on Kasai for a punishment, it would be with the paddle, and she wouldn’t like it at all. But I would so sparingly – because I don’t want her to associate spanking with punishment. That would be like kicking your dog every time she brought you the newspaper.

Punishment doesn’t have to be a spanking. In fact, more often than not – it probably shouldn’t be. But we are often to quick to think about it, so we just use it as a go to method. I’ve learned that the best punishments relate to the infraction. After all, we want to see some correction.

After punishing, you also need to be attentive to the submissives mindset – true punishment can break things we don’t want broken. It can push away rather than draw closer. Just as we are aware of the sub-drop during a scene and care for her afterwards, we also need to be aware that after punishing, some after-care may be necessary.

Just a few thoughts….

:: History of BDSM ii

History of BDSM

Continuing from earlier, I’m moving to the East as we see how the history of sexuality has led us to today.

Kamasutra5INDIA

India has played a major role in sexuality, notably because of the Kama Sutra. I’ve been to India, and I can tell you they are still a very sexual people.

The earlier attitudes of Indian sexuality comes from Hindu, Buddhist, and Janism texts as well as the Vedas. They speak of sex, marriage, and rituals.

Sex was primarily seen as a mutual duty between lovers (primarily husband and wife) – each were to please each other mutually and equally. Sex was typically a private affair (even though there is voyerism in their artwork). Kamasutra1

The Kama Sutra is probably the single most important sexual piece of literature ever written. The Kama Sutra had elaborate positions and discussions about sex.

It also mentioned allowable ways and places to strike ones lover.

But as the English and Islamic cultures arrived in India, sexuality was given an adverse blow – sex became a duty.Khajurahosculpture

Still, there remained a tantric philosophy that lingered – that sex was a sacred act, one that was part of our spiritual journey. Some elements of tantric sexuality avoid ejaculation.

That part sucks.

 

 

japaneseJAPAN

Sexuality is treated as a central role in many parts of Japanese history. Japan has also had a strong history of being a ‘shame society’ – where honor is most important. This brings a fresh air of service and humility that we often miss in the West.

geishaOriginally, the Geisha wasn’t a prostitute – she was a trained woman in serving a more holistic approach to sexuality – she knew the arts, music, and conversation.

Women were seen as subservient to men in most respects, though it’s difficult to view their culture through Western culture. The service wasn’t necessarily degrading. japanese

Japan also gave us the tea ceremony, bonsai, shibari, food play, and the art of bukkake among other fetishes.

 

 

chinaCHINA

One of the books I’ve had in my library for years is called the I Ching, in it, sexual intercourse is one of the main ways to understand the world. Heaven it seemed is said to have sex with the earth.

Sex of epic proportions!

China as a long history of moments of sexism. But their literature shows an interest in affecttion, unabashed sexuality and all around open mindedness about sex.

In Taoism, sex is a joining energy – something that provides health and wholeness. Dating back to the Han dynasty, sexual activity was seen as a spiritual activity. Ming Dynasty

While women were typically given a place of inferiority, don’t be mistaken – Taoism requires an equal pleasing for both partners.

Confucianism seemed to squash all that though, making sex more of a taboo topic in public life – but taosim remained in the background, eventually springing up in Japan where it grew stronger.

This last picture is from a sex museum – a little bondage on a big cock!

Chinese Sex Museum

:: D/s Training Parallels part II

Continuing from my previous post about parallels:

: Create constancy of purpose towards improvement. She’s your submissive for a reason – she wants to submit, she wants to feel your Dominance. She desires to please you (and herself) – so don’t hinder it. Make her feel valued!

: Adopt the new philosophy. As a Dom – you must learn and grow too! If you don’t it will create problems in your sub – how is she supposed to be submissive to someone who isn’t really Dominane?

: Improve & train constantly. Training never stops. Theres always something new, or something to revisit – or a way to change the variables.

: Drive out fear. Now I’ll discuss the phenomenon of fear later; however, the sub shouldn’t fear the Dom – as in if she answers a question honestly, it’s not her fault so don’t punish her. If she needs to talk about something, she needs someone to hear her. Communicating may need to be something you train on too, so bear that in mind.

: Eliminate requiring zero defects. Nobody is perfect – you must learn to use the negatives and turn them into positives. Yes, discipline may be in order – but remember, she WANTS to submit to you – don’t take that away from her for something pedly – and don’t misunderstand a playful spanking with a punishment.

: Institute a program of education. Reading, watching videos, seminars, munches, writing. These are all key ways to continuously improve (if you make them relate to the training, even better!)

: Remove barriers that rob pride in workmanship. She should feel proud to be your sub, just as much as you should be proud to be her Dom – it’s a very special and intimate connection. One of the only ways to remove these barriers is through training and meeting the intended goals, especially if it’s something she was hesitant about before.

23ba5b5ac8f554c50f56800c3f41dd78

:: D/s Training parallels

cowboyI have had all kinds of jobs. I’ve worked as a ranch hand, in warehouses, manufacturing, home building. I’ve had office jobs and wrench turning jobs. I’ve even owned and operated a business.

I want to say that I don’t look at D/s as a “business”, but where one can find something to enable improvement – that is a good thing.

Below are a few good practices I’ve seen in the business world with some notes as to how it might relate to D/s:

: Assess potential employees You have to know on the front end, what can and can’t be done. Communication is key now only now – but throughout – as some limits may be expanded, and you may find something that becomes a limit that wasn’t before. secretary_2002

: Provides workplace standards. What are the protocols, rules, rituals. While this can be established after an assessment – rules and the like should be more fluid, and able to emerge depending on the training. Don’t get locked in, because if a Dom misses a que the sub will notice it and feel rejected, and may not ever say anything.

: Establishes OJT Develops a training program for what the sub will do for day-to-day life. Not necessarily scene related, but how we do we connect, how do we communicate, how do we deal with this or that issue? Continuous training on the rules, protocols, or rituals.

subblow: Trains on additional programs Training emphasizing on 1 area at a time. Though some areas can overlap, it’s wise to take 1 area and work on that. Develop a clear pathway for success. Don’t limit yourself to time, and don’t be afraid to shelve it and return back to it (always end on a positive note!). It’s okay to go back and revisit the same areas later too!

: Assess performance & rewards the positive / disciplines the nonconformity We think we know about discipline (but may not), but don’t think too much about rewarding. It could be verbal or physical praise (especially outside of the sex!). It could be an act of service without having to be asked or a romantic moment. I would also caution to be careful regarding punishment. Make sure you communicate clearly before, during, and after.

spa-qualia-treatment-room: Compensates the employee through Salary & Benefits (paid vacation, Bonus, time off, sick hours, medical/dental, etc) Notice that salary and benefits are different elements. I’m not suggesting you pay your sub; however, simple would it be to pull out $10 or so a week and set it aside? Use it to send her to the spa, or other pampering. Set money aside to allow her some time away – give her a girls weekend a couple times a year. And set some time aside where you can have an open candid conversation about your relationship without fear of reprisal.

: Provides uniforms, pays for all company expenses (trips, meals, fuel, etc) Obvious – if you want the toys, you gotta buy them (or make them).

Of course, every relationship is unique – and each one of these (or other) areas will look different between each one.

:: kink vs. D/s

fading


So, we found ourselves wrapped in some amazing sex.

And as I looked back, I began to realize that something had begun to fade – my Dominance.

Don’t get me wrong, in a scene it might be hard to tell that it was missing. I told her how to prepare, what to do, what to say. I manhandled her, spanked her – thorough use of toys and instruments, bondage.

All that good stuff.hell So, if judged by the scene itself, you might say “yup, there into D/s”. If some people knew our scenes, they’d probably say we were going to hell…

But does the sex part make it D/s or was it just kinky sex?

When we began our journey – I felt like I was dominating more than just our sex life – I was dominating our sexuality. Throughout the day. She submitted to my instruction, performing different tasks, etc. It heightened our sense of awareness and connection to each other and led to a more primal connection when we did have sex.

Yet even then, I failed to understand the true value of training (and other areas of concern).

There’s nothing wrong with kinky sex (I for one happen to enjoy it!), if that’s all you want. But to be in a healthy D/s relationship – more is required. There has to be a connection of dominance and submission outside of the bedroom (or wherever you have sex).

It doesn’t mean that every aspect of life is micromanaged by the Dom. There are a variety of colors in the world of BDSM, and none are rightfully compared to another; however, there is some need in the vanilla world for each other to recognize their lovers position as either sub or Dom.

For Kasai and I, it’s our sexuality. Every aspect of it – which reaches into multiple areas of life. For you, it may be different.

What do you think, is kink the same as D/s?

:: with a vision

Though there were sprinklings of a future flavor in our history, neither one of us would have expected this new emergence into Dominance and submission. I don’t think we were even thinking about our past glimpses when it was first brought up.

So, when we started talking about some this a couple years ago, and then more heavily mid-last year, I thought long about what we would look like.

What does a Dom look like?

What does a sub look like?

I had some ideas. I read articles. Kasai and I shared our thoughts as she was doing the same. We talked about limits. We looked at some videos, read some blogs. And most of it had some glimpses, but nothing that could really describe, or put into words what I was envisioning.

Still, some rough edges were shaping up. I knew that communication was critical, so I developed 3 simple rules for Kasai:

rule-1rule-2rule-3

And though I had planned some details, and thought about scenes, I guess looking back I assumed that it would just all kind of take care of itself.

What I had drifted us into was incredibly amazing sex.

Im Back

Yes, she did what I told her to – but I wasn’t telling her much outside of sex. I was losing sight of how to hone my Dominance – something I tasted and felt before we actually physically began. I’m not going to lie – the sex was (and is) mind blowing.

Maybe the sex took my eyes away. Maybe it was stress, sickness, work…..life. Who knows. One thing I know for sure: