:: On the Spot

tumblr_n7x0tqTz1S1tfdy4uo1_500Yesterday, I mentioned a couple different types of training – On the Spot (OTS) and Planned Training (PT), thought I’d linger around the first one a little bit more today and then the second one starting tomorrow.

As I mentioned, OTS training/instruction/correction/guidance are those singular moments we take to provide insight on an action, process, position, or word that is in process – i.e. your sub is doing/saying something – and it needs to be tweaked.

In that moment, you have a decision to make: is it worth it? Many times, we answer with “no” and let it go – even if it contradicted what our desire was. We often justify our non action by saying “it’s only a small infraction” or “it’s not that big of a deal”.

And it may not be a “big deal” – it may be something as simple as:

“Place your hands on the railing, fingers fully extended and joined”

The sub instead grasps the rail with her thumb in a closed grip (as holding a beer for example).

The Dom notices and says “eh”

In a level such as this – the consequence to the Dom’s non-action is slight – but over time it can be large. You will seem to be wishy-washy at some point. And your sub needs consistency at a very deep level. So be consistent. Make the correction, it could be as simple as “That’s not how I told you to grasp the rail, do it like this” (and demonstrate).

Often times, a sub may not perform a task to standard because they don’t completely understand what your saying. Other times, it may be deeper – each situation is unique and will dictate how to respond – but you should respond.

Another type of infraction where the Dom may not make a correction may be the sub performing an action that is giving pleasure to the Dom – maybe you told your sub to perform oral with a specific instruction (or maybe it just needs to be different) – or maybe you told your sub to dress up for a night out – she looks damn hot, but you really wanted her to wear something else.

You may not have provided specific details, or you may have. But what often happens is “Damn, this feels fucking great and I don’t want to hurt her feelings, so I’m just going to enjoy this” or “Damn, she looks amazing! I really wanted her to wear the other black dress, but I don’t want to hurt her feelings”.

Notice – that each sentence has the phrase “I don’t want to hurt her feelings”.

Listen – you are not going to hurt her feelings. If you didn’t provide specific instruction – that’s okay – simply say “What your doing/wearing feels/looks amazing, but try doing/dressing this way”. If you did provide clear direction, be more point blank, and work to correct the nonconformity.

The point remains – you are the Dominant partner. The submissive wants you to dominate. Making corrections OTS is not going to hurt her feelings. It may, in the moment cause a second of emotional shifting, but in the end, she will be thankful.

It’s always recommended to follow up after a correction. With examples of not holding a position correctly or grabbing the railing quite perfectly – you may not need to (except monitor next time) – but with other ones where the subs emotions can get the best of her, it may be worthwhile during aftercare or a free-time to discuss.

:: BDSM Training

If the purpose of training is to teach, show, improve, demonstrate, or otherwise expand, it could be said that every moment should be considered training opportunity for something. From a quick correction to a planned moment they are all important.

On The Spot (OTS)

OTS training is often overlooked and marginalized. These are the quick without notice corrections or instructions, that might be categorized by statements such as “Not that like, that this”, “A little wider”, “This time with both hands”. A Dom might be hesitant to use OTS training because of concern for how the sub might take it. Nobody in life dreams of being corrected, and people often take things personal – but the Dom shouldn’t be slow to offer OTS guidance. The sub wants to please and desires to improve. Without OTS instruction, the sub will believe that everything is fine – meanwhile, the Dom is frustrated that “this isn’t what I wanted”. Subs, remember, don’t take it personal when provided with OTS corrections – your Dom loves what you’re doing already! Be sure during aftercare or a free time to discuss any concerns if you need to.

It all comes back down to communication.

Planned Training (PT)

There should always be PT. Always. There is always something that can be explored, expanded, improved, etc. First thing, is to plan it – that’s why it’s call “planned training”. If you don’t plan the session, your desire will not play out. If you don’t plan the session, it may still be a awesome and amazing moment, but you will find yourself in repeat mode on a fast cycle. Using sessions as a training opportunity can dissolve the redundancy.

Think about where you want to be, and deconstruct that image down into smaller pieces. Once complete, develop a PT session around it. The session doesn’t have to simply be 1, it could be one month of focus. Odds are, your sub will need some time to master the craft, so don’t be concerned about how long it takes. At the end – what you want is a sub who wants & desires to use what you trained her on.

:: Not all spankings are created equal

spanking typesNot all spankings are created equal. Kasai and I have talked about the different kinds of spankings she’s received. She LOVES a good spanking! The release that she feels is almost without words, and even a hard spanking is one of the fastest ways to get her riled up inside begging for more.

But I don’t spank Kasai for everything – and in the next few posts, I’ll share a little more about what we are not to illuminate more on who we are and how we connect.

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:: History of BDSM iii

History of BDSMMoving to the islands of the Pacific, I thought I’d share some sexual history from some of the most beautiful places on earth.

POLYNESIAN

men tattoo polynesianAs with many places, it can be difficult to understand sexual behavior because it’s a private matter. We learn a lot through artwork, and literature – through indirect means.

The polynesian islands were untouched by westerners for a very long time. Captain Cook made his voyage in the 1700’s along with others and they documented a lot of what they encountered.

There existed different forms of bondage and slavery, and there was a “kaup” system – an elaborate pattern of rules, and punishments that governed relationships.

The concept of marriage didn’t exist. Ellis in 1782 said “there are no people in the world who indulge themselves more in their sensual appetites than these “ of the Hawaiians.

I like the sound of that.

3_Samoan_girls-1902Because of the climate, nudity was more of a norm than seen as being sexual. They played in the water without clothes, they surfed naked. Nudity was also a symbol of death or punishment, of submission or an appeal for forgiveness as well as a sign of respect. Whoever met the King was required to unrobe themselves and lie down prostrate.

People of the same class were allowed any type of sexual behavior. The same word for “orgasm” also means “joy” – pretty cool.

There weren’t any restrictions on positions. Shared masturbation, sex between uncommitted couples, having multiple lovers were all acceptable. Sex was good and healthy for everyone – young and old.

Sexual exclusivity wasn’t practiced except for maybe 20% of the Polynesian cultures. Relationships came and went. Having sex with someone else wasn’t a cause for separation, because holding spite or malice towards another was looked down upon.

Women often had sex because it would be rude to say no. It was a compliment to be asked to have sex. There wasn’t “rape”, but there did exist “romantic abduction”.

Because the Polynesian cultures didn’t have any stigmas about sex, marriage, and other related matters, they found a freedom from many of the fears we often face today. They instructed not only how the “hows” but also the “whys”. Sex wasn’t about what was to be avoided – but a passionate act between two people shared themselves with each other.

maya-gabeira-surfing-naked-espn-the-body-issue-surfing-610x373

:: History of BDSM ii

History of BDSM

Continuing from earlier, I’m moving to the East as we see how the history of sexuality has led us to today.

Kamasutra5INDIA

India has played a major role in sexuality, notably because of the Kama Sutra. I’ve been to India, and I can tell you they are still a very sexual people.

The earlier attitudes of Indian sexuality comes from Hindu, Buddhist, and Janism texts as well as the Vedas. They speak of sex, marriage, and rituals.

Sex was primarily seen as a mutual duty between lovers (primarily husband and wife) – each were to please each other mutually and equally. Sex was typically a private affair (even though there is voyerism in their artwork). Kamasutra1

The Kama Sutra is probably the single most important sexual piece of literature ever written. The Kama Sutra had elaborate positions and discussions about sex.

It also mentioned allowable ways and places to strike ones lover.

But as the English and Islamic cultures arrived in India, sexuality was given an adverse blow – sex became a duty.Khajurahosculpture

Still, there remained a tantric philosophy that lingered – that sex was a sacred act, one that was part of our spiritual journey. Some elements of tantric sexuality avoid ejaculation.

That part sucks.

 

 

japaneseJAPAN

Sexuality is treated as a central role in many parts of Japanese history. Japan has also had a strong history of being a ‘shame society’ – where honor is most important. This brings a fresh air of service and humility that we often miss in the West.

geishaOriginally, the Geisha wasn’t a prostitute – she was a trained woman in serving a more holistic approach to sexuality – she knew the arts, music, and conversation.

Women were seen as subservient to men in most respects, though it’s difficult to view their culture through Western culture. The service wasn’t necessarily degrading. japanese

Japan also gave us the tea ceremony, bonsai, shibari, food play, and the art of bukkake among other fetishes.

 

 

chinaCHINA

One of the books I’ve had in my library for years is called the I Ching, in it, sexual intercourse is one of the main ways to understand the world. Heaven it seemed is said to have sex with the earth.

Sex of epic proportions!

China as a long history of moments of sexism. But their literature shows an interest in affecttion, unabashed sexuality and all around open mindedness about sex.

In Taoism, sex is a joining energy – something that provides health and wholeness. Dating back to the Han dynasty, sexual activity was seen as a spiritual activity. Ming Dynasty

While women were typically given a place of inferiority, don’t be mistaken – Taoism requires an equal pleasing for both partners.

Confucianism seemed to squash all that though, making sex more of a taboo topic in public life – but taosim remained in the background, eventually springing up in Japan where it grew stronger.

This last picture is from a sex museum – a little bondage on a big cock!

Chinese Sex Museum

:: After After-Care

in-bedThe process of caring for a submissive doesn’t stop with the end of after-care, actually it’s only beginning.

Too many times, it seems, there is a lack of communication between Doms and subs. I know this is an area that I could improve on.

If there is a training session in progress, taking time afterwards to have some moments to discuss it can be most helpful.

I want to know how Kasai felt about the training – because I want more than mere submission, I want her the task/act of service/etc to be something she enjoys. I want it to be something she found fulfillment in. By knowing how she processed the training, I can better gauge how to push her in the future.

A few moments of an “open-time” where she can talk about her feelings, her fears, her thoughts without fear of repercussion and knowing that I’m listening – I’m hearing her can further push us into each other in new ways.

Kasai isn’t my slave – she is my submissive, and I feel she needs moments to be able to talk – to share her thoughts without being led in them.

By doing so, I believe I can better lead her.

:: After-Care

Sensual TortureSubmissives experience quite a bit as their Dom leads them through this journey. The emotions can often be hard to express, let alone the physical feelings. Sometimes there are feelings of being overwhelmed. Other times, the sub may feel humiliated. Kasai has been physically drained often times. There can be a strange sense of feeling lost – yet found.

Ultimately, the goal is freedom through submission.

Coming down from subspace has taken Kasai up to an hour. She has shared how she feels as though she’s not even on earth. It is dreamy. She’s cold. She is at peace. As Kasai’s Dom, I need to always recognize these different physical, mental, and spiritual emotions. It’s a process thats often uncontrolled for submissives.

Physically, Kasai needs warmth. She needs to be held, and caressed. If she’s been subjected to a good physical scene, she will need some lotion to help her skin rejuvenate. She often needs help moving until she has recovered, as her whole body is weak.

Mentally, she needs time. Time to process the scene. Time to regain herself and her composure. Even if the scene was short lived, her mind may be off in subspace.

Spiritually, she needs to hear my voice. She needs to feel me surround her. I caress her heart with words of affirmation and soul with a lingering touch.

Everyones relationship is going to be different. Kasai and I have been married for almost 17 years. She is my submissive, not my slave. She is my life-partner, not simply a fuck-toy. Caring for her in this way builds on every other aspect of our relationship. It leads us deeper into each other. safe