:: On the Spot

tumblr_n7x0tqTz1S1tfdy4uo1_500Yesterday, I mentioned a couple different types of training – On the Spot (OTS) and Planned Training (PT), thought I’d linger around the first one a little bit more today and then the second one starting tomorrow.

As I mentioned, OTS training/instruction/correction/guidance are those singular moments we take to provide insight on an action, process, position, or word that is in process – i.e. your sub is doing/saying something – and it needs to be tweaked.

In that moment, you have a decision to make: is it worth it? Many times, we answer with “no” and let it go – even if it contradicted what our desire was. We often justify our non action by saying “it’s only a small infraction” or “it’s not that big of a deal”.

And it may not be a “big deal” – it may be something as simple as:

“Place your hands on the railing, fingers fully extended and joined”

The sub instead grasps the rail with her thumb in a closed grip (as holding a beer for example).

The Dom notices and says “eh”

In a level such as this – the consequence to the Dom’s non-action is slight – but over time it can be large. You will seem to be wishy-washy at some point. And your sub needs consistency at a very deep level. So be consistent. Make the correction, it could be as simple as “That’s not how I told you to grasp the rail, do it like this” (and demonstrate).

Often times, a sub may not perform a task to standard because they don’t completely understand what your saying. Other times, it may be deeper – each situation is unique and will dictate how to respond – but you should respond.

Another type of infraction where the Dom may not make a correction may be the sub performing an action that is giving pleasure to the Dom – maybe you told your sub to perform oral with a specific instruction (or maybe it just needs to be different) – or maybe you told your sub to dress up for a night out – she looks damn hot, but you really wanted her to wear something else.

You may not have provided specific details, or you may have. But what often happens is “Damn, this feels fucking great and I don’t want to hurt her feelings, so I’m just going to enjoy this” or “Damn, she looks amazing! I really wanted her to wear the other black dress, but I don’t want to hurt her feelings”.

Notice – that each sentence has the phrase “I don’t want to hurt her feelings”.

Listen – you are not going to hurt her feelings. If you didn’t provide specific instruction – that’s okay – simply say “What your doing/wearing feels/looks amazing, but try doing/dressing this way”. If you did provide clear direction, be more point blank, and work to correct the nonconformity.

The point remains – you are the Dominant partner. The submissive wants you to dominate. Making corrections OTS is not going to hurt her feelings. It may, in the moment cause a second of emotional shifting, but in the end, she will be thankful.

It’s always recommended to follow up after a correction. With examples of not holding a position correctly or grabbing the railing quite perfectly – you may not need to (except monitor next time) – but with other ones where the subs emotions can get the best of her, it may be worthwhile during aftercare or a free-time to discuss.

:: BDSM Training

If the purpose of training is to teach, show, improve, demonstrate, or otherwise expand, it could be said that every moment should be considered training opportunity for something. From a quick correction to a planned moment they are all important.

On The Spot (OTS)

OTS training is often overlooked and marginalized. These are the quick without notice corrections or instructions, that might be categorized by statements such as “Not that like, that this”, “A little wider”, “This time with both hands”. A Dom might be hesitant to use OTS training because of concern for how the sub might take it. Nobody in life dreams of being corrected, and people often take things personal – but the Dom shouldn’t be slow to offer OTS guidance. The sub wants to please and desires to improve. Without OTS instruction, the sub will believe that everything is fine – meanwhile, the Dom is frustrated that “this isn’t what I wanted”. Subs, remember, don’t take it personal when provided with OTS corrections – your Dom loves what you’re doing already! Be sure during aftercare or a free time to discuss any concerns if you need to.

It all comes back down to communication.

Planned Training (PT)

There should always be PT. Always. There is always something that can be explored, expanded, improved, etc. First thing, is to plan it – that’s why it’s call “planned training”. If you don’t plan the session, your desire will not play out. If you don’t plan the session, it may still be a awesome and amazing moment, but you will find yourself in repeat mode on a fast cycle. Using sessions as a training opportunity can dissolve the redundancy.

Think about where you want to be, and deconstruct that image down into smaller pieces. Once complete, develop a PT session around it. The session doesn’t have to simply be 1, it could be one month of focus. Odds are, your sub will need some time to master the craft, so don’t be concerned about how long it takes. At the end – what you want is a sub who wants & desires to use what you trained her on.

:: Discipline & Punishment

Seems a lot of people try to blur the two together. Others simply use spanking as a means of punishment – even though it’s more of a pleasure to most submissives (and Dom’s as well). Thought I would share a few words on how I look at the difference between them and a couple other similar areas.

First, I’d like to talk about spankings in general. I love giving them. Kasai gets soaking wet over them. I mean dripping, saturated, soaked, and desperate for more over them. Did I mention that she loves getting spanked?

It’s probably similar to how most feel. And we should remember that.

Discipline is a system of behaviors and actions that one lives to show obedience, respect, and adoration. It takes discipline to stay in a submissive position. It takes discipline to act upon receiving direction, even if it’s something we may not want to do. And these things reflect how we feel about the other. That’s from the submissives story.

The Dom side of the picture is from the dispensing end. We discipline our subs by showing, demonstrating, and instructing our sub. We discipline our subs by respecting them and being patient as needed.

To be certain – there will be moments when things aren’t just right. Maybe the position is wrong, or there is a sigh, or look, or other similar element that demonstrates something is off. How we handle these situations can be very important.

Some would resort to a quick spanking. But I think it’s good to draw a distinction between corrective training and punishment. Corrective training is the means and methods used to correct a deficient behavior. Spending extra time on a particular area. Assigning some reading or writing. Doing things again until it’s corrected. It’s not “punishment” in the true sense.

Punishment is on a different level. It is more severe, it can be difficult, and it often takes away something from the sub. If I were to use a spanking on Kasai for a punishment, it would be with the paddle, and she wouldn’t like it at all. But I would so sparingly – because I don’t want her to associate spanking with punishment. That would be like kicking your dog every time she brought you the newspaper.

Punishment doesn’t have to be a spanking. In fact, more often than not – it probably shouldn’t be. But we are often to quick to think about it, so we just use it as a go to method. I’ve learned that the best punishments relate to the infraction. After all, we want to see some correction.

After punishing, you also need to be attentive to the submissives mindset – true punishment can break things we don’t want broken. It can push away rather than draw closer. Just as we are aware of the sub-drop during a scene and care for her afterwards, we also need to be aware that after punishing, some after-care may be necessary.

Just a few thoughts….

:: Not all spankings are created equal

spanking typesNot all spankings are created equal. Kasai and I have talked about the different kinds of spankings she’s received. She LOVES a good spanking! The release that she feels is almost without words, and even a hard spanking is one of the fastest ways to get her riled up inside begging for more.

But I don’t spank Kasai for everything – and in the next few posts, I’ll share a little more about what we are not to illuminate more on who we are and how we connect.

tumblr_mp7nqblF1E1s4t1cno1_500

:: History of BDSM iii

History of BDSMMoving to the islands of the Pacific, I thought I’d share some sexual history from some of the most beautiful places on earth.

POLYNESIAN

men tattoo polynesianAs with many places, it can be difficult to understand sexual behavior because it’s a private matter. We learn a lot through artwork, and literature – through indirect means.

The polynesian islands were untouched by westerners for a very long time. Captain Cook made his voyage in the 1700’s along with others and they documented a lot of what they encountered.

There existed different forms of bondage and slavery, and there was a “kaup” system – an elaborate pattern of rules, and punishments that governed relationships.

The concept of marriage didn’t exist. Ellis in 1782 said “there are no people in the world who indulge themselves more in their sensual appetites than these “ of the Hawaiians.

I like the sound of that.

3_Samoan_girls-1902Because of the climate, nudity was more of a norm than seen as being sexual. They played in the water without clothes, they surfed naked. Nudity was also a symbol of death or punishment, of submission or an appeal for forgiveness as well as a sign of respect. Whoever met the King was required to unrobe themselves and lie down prostrate.

People of the same class were allowed any type of sexual behavior. The same word for “orgasm” also means “joy” – pretty cool.

There weren’t any restrictions on positions. Shared masturbation, sex between uncommitted couples, having multiple lovers were all acceptable. Sex was good and healthy for everyone – young and old.

Sexual exclusivity wasn’t practiced except for maybe 20% of the Polynesian cultures. Relationships came and went. Having sex with someone else wasn’t a cause for separation, because holding spite or malice towards another was looked down upon.

Women often had sex because it would be rude to say no. It was a compliment to be asked to have sex. There wasn’t “rape”, but there did exist “romantic abduction”.

Because the Polynesian cultures didn’t have any stigmas about sex, marriage, and other related matters, they found a freedom from many of the fears we often face today. They instructed not only how the “hows” but also the “whys”. Sex wasn’t about what was to be avoided – but a passionate act between two people shared themselves with each other.

maya-gabeira-surfing-naked-espn-the-body-issue-surfing-610x373

:: History of BDSM ii

History of BDSM

Continuing from earlier, I’m moving to the East as we see how the history of sexuality has led us to today.

Kamasutra5INDIA

India has played a major role in sexuality, notably because of the Kama Sutra. I’ve been to India, and I can tell you they are still a very sexual people.

The earlier attitudes of Indian sexuality comes from Hindu, Buddhist, and Janism texts as well as the Vedas. They speak of sex, marriage, and rituals.

Sex was primarily seen as a mutual duty between lovers (primarily husband and wife) – each were to please each other mutually and equally. Sex was typically a private affair (even though there is voyerism in their artwork). Kamasutra1

The Kama Sutra is probably the single most important sexual piece of literature ever written. The Kama Sutra had elaborate positions and discussions about sex.

It also mentioned allowable ways and places to strike ones lover.

But as the English and Islamic cultures arrived in India, sexuality was given an adverse blow – sex became a duty.Khajurahosculpture

Still, there remained a tantric philosophy that lingered – that sex was a sacred act, one that was part of our spiritual journey. Some elements of tantric sexuality avoid ejaculation.

That part sucks.

 

 

japaneseJAPAN

Sexuality is treated as a central role in many parts of Japanese history. Japan has also had a strong history of being a ‘shame society’ – where honor is most important. This brings a fresh air of service and humility that we often miss in the West.

geishaOriginally, the Geisha wasn’t a prostitute – she was a trained woman in serving a more holistic approach to sexuality – she knew the arts, music, and conversation.

Women were seen as subservient to men in most respects, though it’s difficult to view their culture through Western culture. The service wasn’t necessarily degrading. japanese

Japan also gave us the tea ceremony, bonsai, shibari, food play, and the art of bukkake among other fetishes.

 

 

chinaCHINA

One of the books I’ve had in my library for years is called the I Ching, in it, sexual intercourse is one of the main ways to understand the world. Heaven it seemed is said to have sex with the earth.

Sex of epic proportions!

China as a long history of moments of sexism. But their literature shows an interest in affecttion, unabashed sexuality and all around open mindedness about sex.

In Taoism, sex is a joining energy – something that provides health and wholeness. Dating back to the Han dynasty, sexual activity was seen as a spiritual activity. Ming Dynasty

While women were typically given a place of inferiority, don’t be mistaken – Taoism requires an equal pleasing for both partners.

Confucianism seemed to squash all that though, making sex more of a taboo topic in public life – but taosim remained in the background, eventually springing up in Japan where it grew stronger.

This last picture is from a sex museum – a little bondage on a big cock!

Chinese Sex Museum

:: GENTLEMAN’S RULE #1

Gentlemans Rules

GENTLEMAN’S RULE #1: CHARACTER 1st

I’ve been a man of many styles over the years. I’ve never been “fashionable” – I’ve not been one to wear today’s trends or styles – but regardless of what your style is, the first rule is simple – Character comes first. Everything else follows. You can have the best suit in the world and know how to tie an Eldredge Knot tie, but if your character sucks, then it’s all worthless. You can be poor and wear nothing but white t-shirts and blue jeans and if your character is on point, your the man of the hour.

Character First