283_surrenderThe union many find in D/s is different than most others. I believe it is sacred. When we feel the oneness with our partner we celebrate every aspect of our union. Where in some relationships, the woman may fake orgasms and the male may be so focused on his own ejaculation that he’s done in less than 5 minutes – in a D/s the celebration is extended. The woman may experience multiple types and quantities of orgasms, the male may not be concerned with ejaculating at all. But every orgasm – and every ejaculation is a point of celebration. They are gifts from and to each other.

Learn to deepen your relationship with your partner. There was a spark of wonder when you met – reignite that and live in it. See the beauty in your partner – the beauty that is otherworldly. The beauty that they may not even see within themselves.

Too often, from so many sources, we can become self-conscience of ourselves. We think we are skinny or fat. We feel we should have larger breasts or a bigger penis. We think we are too short or small. If we only had different hair, were stronger, or had more money.

We need to learn to love ourselves as our partner loves us. All of these negative emotions and feelings are a result of self-awareness. If we lose ourselves into the sacred bond and see the beauty within we can awaken to our sexual nature that frees us from the negativity.

Touch your partner. Feel their heart and their breath. Wrap yourselves in an uncensored blanket of love where there is no shame. Look into each others eyes deeply. Don’t have sex to receive – have sex to give.

While Kasai enjoys receiving gifts at Christmas – what she truly cherishes is giving to another, then watching the joy and excitement that overtakes the other as they receive. The happiness the other experiences, is the foundation for her joy. Sexual intimacy is the same way. When we give to our partner for their sake – for their pleasure, for their desire or satisfaction – we find our own erotic pleasure. When both give to each other in the same manner, it’s cosmic in nature.

But this form of giving sexual pleasure isn’t limited to intercourse. We need to learn the art of touching our partners outside of penetrative sex. We need to master the craft of loving our lover. The more we express our love and adoration to our partner outside of sex, the deeper the connection during sex. The deeper of a connection we experience during sex brings forth a deeper connection outside of sex. We need to couple our bodies, hearts, minds, and spirits into one sacred union.


UnknownI realize that most of my postings have been about some form of BDSM or another – from training, to spankings, to discipline, and the joys of sex. Sometimes; however, we often associate a D/s dynamic with fast and hard things – even as we realize the sexual and spiritual union that is deepened through it. But we don’t often talk about it.

Over the next few posts, I want to explore this.

Most couples who have been together a while often complain about their sexuality. It’s become routine. It’s not new, or fresh. It has dissipated to mean intercourse only – and that only happens every now and then. They don’t feel alive. The sex is predictable and boring.

While these are many of the reasons why people begin to explore outside of their relationship, they are also many of the reasons why they turn to each other and try to rediscover their love for each other.

What we need is more intimacy. We need to embrace who we are. To feel satisfied, alive, and fulfilled.

How do we do that?

Some have found it within a D/s dynamic, and as I’ve written about in the past about the History of BDSM, many of the elements within BDSM are not new – people around the world have for centuries discovered beauty and sacredness in their sexuality.

One of these paths was birthed in India nearly 5,000 years ago. It’s the idea that sexuality, spirituality, and emotions are all interconnected. That the human body should be celebrated. Sexual intimacy should be fully enjoyed.

One of the ways to do this, is to rediscover who we are – as individuals, and as a couple. When a couple first meets, they enjoy learning about each other. They enjoy their differences. Each felt that love was a gift and that their partner should be treated with reverence and honor.

In a D/s dynamic, these things are brought back to the forefront. But rather than simply bending your sub over your knee – find a moment to slow down and simply enjoy your partner. Relearn how to communicate – and do so freely. Don’t censor yourself or your emotions and feelings.

When a couple first begins to emerge into D/s, many find it liberating – they had kept their desires bottled up…they didn’t know how their partner would take it…would they be rejected? Rather, they find that their partner embraces them – they find freedom.

Don’t let that sense leave. Continue to move forward in your journey together. Don’t suppress your feelings. Don’t reject your desires. They are beautiful and natural. Embrace them – talk about them – experience them.

:: History of BDSM ii

History of BDSM

Continuing from earlier, I’m moving to the East as we see how the history of sexuality has led us to today.


India has played a major role in sexuality, notably because of the Kama Sutra. I’ve been to India, and I can tell you they are still a very sexual people.

The earlier attitudes of Indian sexuality comes from Hindu, Buddhist, and Janism texts as well as the Vedas. They speak of sex, marriage, and rituals.

Sex was primarily seen as a mutual duty between lovers (primarily husband and wife) – each were to please each other mutually and equally. Sex was typically a private affair (even though there is voyerism in their artwork). Kamasutra1

The Kama Sutra is probably the single most important sexual piece of literature ever written. The Kama Sutra had elaborate positions and discussions about sex.

It also mentioned allowable ways and places to strike ones lover.

But as the English and Islamic cultures arrived in India, sexuality was given an adverse blow – sex became a duty.Khajurahosculpture

Still, there remained a tantric philosophy that lingered – that sex was a sacred act, one that was part of our spiritual journey. Some elements of tantric sexuality avoid ejaculation.

That part sucks.




Sexuality is treated as a central role in many parts of Japanese history. Japan has also had a strong history of being a ‘shame society’ – where honor is most important. This brings a fresh air of service and humility that we often miss in the West.

geishaOriginally, the Geisha wasn’t a prostitute – she was a trained woman in serving a more holistic approach to sexuality – she knew the arts, music, and conversation.

Women were seen as subservient to men in most respects, though it’s difficult to view their culture through Western culture. The service wasn’t necessarily degrading. japanese

Japan also gave us the tea ceremony, bonsai, shibari, food play, and the art of bukkake among other fetishes.




One of the books I’ve had in my library for years is called the I Ching, in it, sexual intercourse is one of the main ways to understand the world. Heaven it seemed is said to have sex with the earth.

Sex of epic proportions!

China as a long history of moments of sexism. But their literature shows an interest in affecttion, unabashed sexuality and all around open mindedness about sex.

In Taoism, sex is a joining energy – something that provides health and wholeness. Dating back to the Han dynasty, sexual activity was seen as a spiritual activity. Ming Dynasty

While women were typically given a place of inferiority, don’t be mistaken – Taoism requires an equal pleasing for both partners.

Confucianism seemed to squash all that though, making sex more of a taboo topic in public life – but taosim remained in the background, eventually springing up in Japan where it grew stronger.

This last picture is from a sex museum – a little bondage on a big cock!

Chinese Sex Museum

:: kink vs. D/s


So, we found ourselves wrapped in some amazing sex.

And as I looked back, I began to realize that something had begun to fade – my Dominance.

Don’t get me wrong, in a scene it might be hard to tell that it was missing. I told her how to prepare, what to do, what to say. I manhandled her, spanked her – thorough use of toys and instruments, bondage.

All that good stuff.hell So, if judged by the scene itself, you might say “yup, there into D/s”. If some people knew our scenes, they’d probably say we were going to hell…

But does the sex part make it D/s or was it just kinky sex?

When we began our journey – I felt like I was dominating more than just our sex life – I was dominating our sexuality. Throughout the day. She submitted to my instruction, performing different tasks, etc. It heightened our sense of awareness and connection to each other and led to a more primal connection when we did have sex.

Yet even then, I failed to understand the true value of training (and other areas of concern).

There’s nothing wrong with kinky sex (I for one happen to enjoy it!), if that’s all you want. But to be in a healthy D/s relationship – more is required. There has to be a connection of dominance and submission outside of the bedroom (or wherever you have sex).

It doesn’t mean that every aspect of life is micromanaged by the Dom. There are a variety of colors in the world of BDSM, and none are rightfully compared to another; however, there is some need in the vanilla world for each other to recognize their lovers position as either sub or Dom.

For Kasai and I, it’s our sexuality. Every aspect of it – which reaches into multiple areas of life. For you, it may be different.

What do you think, is kink the same as D/s?

:: with a vision

Though there were sprinklings of a future flavor in our history, neither one of us would have expected this new emergence into Dominance and submission. I don’t think we were even thinking about our past glimpses when it was first brought up.

So, when we started talking about some this a couple years ago, and then more heavily mid-last year, I thought long about what we would look like.

What does a Dom look like?

What does a sub look like?

I had some ideas. I read articles. Kasai and I shared our thoughts as she was doing the same. We talked about limits. We looked at some videos, read some blogs. And most of it had some glimpses, but nothing that could really describe, or put into words what I was envisioning.

Still, some rough edges were shaping up. I knew that communication was critical, so I developed 3 simple rules for Kasai:


And though I had planned some details, and thought about scenes, I guess looking back I assumed that it would just all kind of take care of itself.

What I had drifted us into was incredibly amazing sex.

Im Back

Yes, she did what I told her to – but I wasn’t telling her much outside of sex. I was losing sight of how to hone my Dominance – something I tasted and felt before we actually physically began. I’m not going to lie – the sex was (and is) mind blowing.

Maybe the sex took my eyes away. Maybe it was stress, sickness, work…..life. Who knows. One thing I know for sure:



:: raw sexuality


Kasai is an extremely sexual woman, she always has been. Her sexuality runs very deep. Her desire is strong. I love watching the erotic waves consume her. And what is fascinating, is that it is rarely overt sexual readings or watchings that turn her on.

Interestingly, I haven’t been able to watch all of 300 in the past with Kasai. The movie causes her to become extremely aroused. It obviously isn’t the overt sexual content. It’s the masculinity, the rawness, the aggression. 

She enjoys reading A Song of Ice and Fire (series HBO turned into Game of Thrones). She commented that she can read a few chapters and need to take care of her hunger – even if those chapters had no sex scenes.

Just a continuation of some previous thoughts – our sexuality is more than sex. It can be hard to define, or even understand. It’s easy to see the leather and steel, or the variety of positions and restraints or other activities as related to a couples sexual connection. But it runs deeper, and the primal connection(s) are like deep roots that interconnect so many areas.

To really connect in a most intimate and sexual way, I feel you need to find all connections – and explore them. Learn to understand them, talk about them. Find the raw sexuality and embrace it.

As Kasai’s Dom, I dominate every aspect of our sexual connections. From the use of leather at night, to opening her doors during the day. Kasai’s submission doesn’t take away her creative freedom to express herself – rather, it offers freedom to do so. She doesn’t have to worry about my judging her, not thinking highly of her, or anything like that.

There is a freedom in submission, just as there is my dominance. 

:: Thoughts on Sexual Submission



Kasai and I have a D/s relationship in how we connect sexually. To many, images are conjured up of BDSM scenes or other sex acts. And while that’s included, I think it’s worth thinking about what sexual and sexuality means.

Nearly everyone would say that the actual act of sexual intercourse is really a small portion of what it means to be sexual (even in BDSM circles). The American Pyschological Association says that sexuality includes desire, excitement, and orgasm. My friend Webster defines sexuality as the state of being sexual

In other words, sexuality is the way(s) in which people experience and express themselves as sexual beings, self awareness of it and the capacity to have erotic experiences and responses.

Even Google knows that sexuality is more than sex, if you search for sexuality in images, you’re not going to find many images of intercourse. 

And how about the word sexy? Most don’t think of sex when they think of sexy. Even an unfiltered search of images in Google reflects this. 

As Kasai’s Dom, I lead us in our sexuality. That includes sex, but is more than sex. I lead us in our desire for each other, in how we express ourselves sexually, in all erotic experiences, and of course when we have sex and aftercare. 

Of course we, like most couples, have our limits. For example, Kasai and I are very aware that D/s encounters in a vanilla world is like oil and water, so one of our limits is not to express our D/s in a public setting, in front of family, or friends in such a way that anyone might conceive our D/s.

There are so many ways in which people connect sexually. From what we think about ourselves and our lover, how we dress and take care of ourselves, talk to one another, flirt, touch one another, what we do during intercourse. And in this Kasai is my submissive.

But what does it mean to be submissive? I think I will have to think that in more detail later, but it doesn’t mean that one is a robot, only doing what one is programmed for – that would be crazy. Rather, as much as we are sexual in nature, people are also creative in nature. 

In other words, while being submissive does mean being obedient, it goes further than that by have the creative freedom to find interactions that are pleasing. I don’t want to tell Kasai how to “do” everything (dress, talk, touch, groom, flirt, etc in and out of bed). That would be exhausting on my part, but even more important than that, it would be robbing Kasai of some of the joy of being submissive. Because she finds joy in her submission, she needs freedom to express herself as a sexual woman.