:: M/s | Tops & bottoms

Thought I’d continue on from my previous post about what Kasai and I are not and start to drift into what we are. There have been some good posts by others lately about not defining who you are as a couple – and I thought it was really well thought out – check out wildwestangel’s article for yourself here.

Again – simply because Kasai and I may not connect a certain way, does not mean that we look down upon others way of connecting – and it should be noted that we too are still emerging.

master-slaveA slave is typically looked at as one who submits in all areas of life to their Dominant partner, or Master. Though I may have to generalize here a little, I do recognize that different people assign different definitions to these and other words.

That being said, being a slave doesn’t mean it’s not consensual; however, everything from how they dress to what they eat is under scrutiny. The power exchange is total – and applies all the time, and it is generally understood that there are no limits controlled by the slave.

A bottom on the other hand, is typically one who relinquishes control to their Top during sex alone. They set limits on their sexual submission. They may, or may not be masochistic.

Most people look at it as some kind of sliding scale – with bottoms on one end and slaves on the other.

Kasai isn’t a slave. I may call her my slave, I may place a collar around her neck, but I recognize that she is my life companion and I don’t try to control every aspect of her life. She’s also not a bottom – she submits to me more than when we are fucking.  Kasai submits her sexuality (which is a pretty large spectrum) to me – as I’ve mentioned we still talk about what that means, and explore different edges of it.

I think the important thing is to not be defined, don’t be set in stone, don’t stay stuck on one picture of what you think you should be. Any relationship requires communication let alone any element of dominance & submission.

:: History of BDSM iii

History of BDSMMoving to the islands of the Pacific, I thought I’d share some sexual history from some of the most beautiful places on earth.


men tattoo polynesianAs with many places, it can be difficult to understand sexual behavior because it’s a private matter. We learn a lot through artwork, and literature – through indirect means.

The polynesian islands were untouched by westerners for a very long time. Captain Cook made his voyage in the 1700’s along with others and they documented a lot of what they encountered.

There existed different forms of bondage and slavery, and there was a “kaup” system – an elaborate pattern of rules, and punishments that governed relationships.

The concept of marriage didn’t exist. Ellis in 1782 said “there are no people in the world who indulge themselves more in their sensual appetites than these “ of the Hawaiians.

I like the sound of that.

3_Samoan_girls-1902Because of the climate, nudity was more of a norm than seen as being sexual. They played in the water without clothes, they surfed naked. Nudity was also a symbol of death or punishment, of submission or an appeal for forgiveness as well as a sign of respect. Whoever met the King was required to unrobe themselves and lie down prostrate.

People of the same class were allowed any type of sexual behavior. The same word for “orgasm” also means “joy” – pretty cool.

There weren’t any restrictions on positions. Shared masturbation, sex between uncommitted couples, having multiple lovers were all acceptable. Sex was good and healthy for everyone – young and old.

Sexual exclusivity wasn’t practiced except for maybe 20% of the Polynesian cultures. Relationships came and went. Having sex with someone else wasn’t a cause for separation, because holding spite or malice towards another was looked down upon.

Women often had sex because it would be rude to say no. It was a compliment to be asked to have sex. There wasn’t “rape”, but there did exist “romantic abduction”.

Because the Polynesian cultures didn’t have any stigmas about sex, marriage, and other related matters, they found a freedom from many of the fears we often face today. They instructed not only how the “hows” but also the “whys”. Sex wasn’t about what was to be avoided – but a passionate act between two people shared themselves with each other.


:: slave vs submissive (part II)

submissive on her knees

submissive on her knees

Kasai and I have a D/s relationship. We can’t wrap our heads around the use of the word slave, because of what it means to us – for others who can we say: cool. We have no issues with it – so long as it is in fact consensual, and not in fact, slavery.

Kasai is my submissive. As my submissive, she desires to follow my direction and leading. She is not my submissive when it comes to a lot of how we connect – though I should say there are many ways in which we are mutually submissive, that’s a response to how we have connected for many years – we each desire to live for and please the other.

When it comes to our sexuality, I am her Dominant. Kasai navigates through my leading very well – she pleases me greatly. That doesn’t mean that she isn’t free to make decisions in this respect either. I want Kasai to creatively express her submission, because in this, is the true essence of submission.

As Kasai’s Dom, I also know that every expression isn’t going to be perfect – and as her Dom, I want to encourage her, so while I may correct her, I need to be attentive to her intention and heart and not over correct. If I was her Master, I wouldn’t be so concerned, I would just get the whip and give her 40 lashes.

While there is some reconciliation in discipline, a Dom is more mindful of the longterm affects and uses the appropriate correction for the infraction. But what a Dom really wants, is for the submissive to eagerly find ways to express their submission, because the Dom knows she finds value in and through the act.

Kasai and I (like any other D/s or M/s couple) have taken bits and pieces of many things and fused them together to make them our own. Our D/s will continue to emerge and refine itself.

:: slave vs. submissive (part I)

ImageKasai and I were talking about the words slave and submissive, and I thought I’d share my thoughts here.

I feel I should preempt my thoughts by stating that words carry different, and sometimes multiple meanings with different people. I should also warn you that if there’s one thing I lack, it’s the ability to write my thoughts out briefly.  It isn’t my intention to criticize those who may accept words that I do not – but to offer what these words mean – to me.

First, I would like to address the seemingly harder of the two words; slave. To many throughout the world, this word reflects a deep pain. Multitudes of nations, tribes, and peoples have forced another, or been forced by another to the world of slavery (sexual or otherwise). Even today, there is an active slave-trade that inflicts pain to countless people.

It is not unsurprising that the word carries a lot of baggage to so many.

To me, the word slave carry’s a very impersonal meaning. It denotes one person as owning the rights over another. It implies that another has no liberty regarding their life at all. This relationship, to me, means there doesn’t exist an authentic relationship where love blossoms. In the end, there exists a self-centric system it seems.

In some BDSM circles, slave is used – and though definitions also vary – it is generally understood that a slave has no real rights – they are true servants owned by the master. The owner sets limits, schedules, diet, etc, or the lack thereof. But at the end of the day, unless the owner has unlawfully abducted the slave, the slave is “free” to leave, and cannot be bought or sold to another – which of course doesn’t fit with the historic usage of the word, but rather tries to romanticize the it – to make it feel sexy.

There is another word used in the same circle: submissive. The submissive is a partner in a relationship together with a dominate partner. There is more of a fusion of expectations, wants, and desires from the two. But there is definite leadership and obedience. Yet, there is much room for growth by both – and there is an area where a deep spiritual connection can exist.

That doesn’t mean there isn’t baggage with this word either. Some only act as a submissive for a scene here or there, and may not find themselves in an actual relationship with their dominant partner. To me, this is more of an escapist play – at least at first thought. Others live in a world where submission exists on so many levels, to the point where the one is completely lost – to me, this is very destructive.

There is baggage, rightfully or not, with many words. And sometimes, the baggage carries forward into actuality in an expression or experience. Other times, we are too demanding in what words mean or don’t mean, and often it seems people talk past each other.