:: Demonstrating Submission

549047_386797751373462_1479247887_nJust as the submissive need their Dominant to lead them together in their D/s journey, the Dominant needs the submissive to follow the path.

There are many ways, of course the one most thought of is being obedient. But a Dom wants more than blind obedience – they want a submissive who enjoys the relationship. Most Dom’s want a healthy and lasting relationship – this means that both parties actually enjoy it. But what exactly, does a Dom need to see from their submissive?

A Dom wants to see willingness from the sub. If given direction to perform a task – the sub should seek to find pleasure in it. A Dom wants to see appropriate initiative from the submissive – if something presents itself that the submissive knows will please the Dom – seek to do it without being told.

Many people talk and view submission as a gift – and while I don’t disagree in general (all relational aspects are similar), it might be healthy to understand how this relates to demonstrating submission. A gift isn’t earned like a paycheck (though a Dominant should earn respect and trust) – it is given freely without expectation.

If you look at submission as given for something in return then it’s not truly a gift. Of course a submissive expects and desires something in return – things like respect, guidance, direction, leadership. So in some ways there are strings – but it isn’t like “I’ll submit to you if you tie me up and spank me”. Rather – it’s much deeper.

So a submissive demonstrates their submissiveness by recognizing that it is a gift and gives it freely, happily, and with a whole heart. What this looks like will be different in every relationship; however, there are common shades through all.

The first is releasing authority to the Dominant in areas surrounding areas that the two agreed were within the limits. If a sub said that the Dom has authority over when the two have sex, then the sub will demonstrate her submissiveness by giving herself to the Dom when de desires. The same would be true regarding the where’s and how’s.

And not simply “allowing” it to happen – but enjoying and finding fulfillment. Submissiveness with an eager and hungry heart demonstrates the desire to please the Dom.

Another area would be regarding protocol – whether it’s high/med/ow in private or public every D/s has some kind of protocol for how the Dom desires the two to interact with each other offering a framework for structure. A sub will demonstrate her submissiveness in her participation of the established protocol. More than just “going through the motion” – but finding a deep sense of connection at how the two interact with each other and strengthen bonds through the protocol.

Still another would be in the completion of assignments or tasks. A good Dom spends a lot of time and energy to think about training, so when they instruct a submissive to complete a task a submissive it will generally be interconnected with something much larger. A sub will demonstrate her submissiveness and trust in the Dominant by completing the tasks to the best of her ability.

Those final words “to the best of her ability” are important as well. Firstly, life happens, and neither the Dom nor the sub should look down on themselves or the other for when shit happens – people get sick, we have jobs, kids, family and friends – life is a beautiful mess and that mess can smear itself across your plans anytime. Secondly, while the sub desires to complete the task to please her Dom – it’s important to perform to the best of your abilities. Don’t judge yourself too harshly if you earnestly tried – I can promise you a good Dom won’t – rather they will find such fulfillment and satisfaction in knowing your heart and motives were pure.

These are just a few ways that a submissive can demonstrate her submissiveness to her Dom. It’s more than checking the box or blind obedience. Remember, your submission is a gift – give it with all your heart.

:: Discipline & Punishment

Seems a lot of people try to blur the two together. Others simply use spanking as a means of punishment – even though it’s more of a pleasure to most submissives (and Dom’s as well). Thought I would share a few words on how I look at the difference between them and a couple other similar areas.

First, I’d like to talk about spankings in general. I love giving them. Kasai gets soaking wet over them. I mean dripping, saturated, soaked, and desperate for more over them. Did I mention that she loves getting spanked?

It’s probably similar to how most feel. And we should remember that.

Discipline is a system of behaviors and actions that one lives to show obedience, respect, and adoration. It takes discipline to stay in a submissive position. It takes discipline to act upon receiving direction, even if it’s something we may not want to do. And these things reflect how we feel about the other. That’s from the submissives story.

The Dom side of the picture is from the dispensing end. We discipline our subs by showing, demonstrating, and instructing our sub. We discipline our subs by respecting them and being patient as needed.

To be certain – there will be moments when things aren’t just right. Maybe the position is wrong, or there is a sigh, or look, or other similar element that demonstrates something is off. How we handle these situations can be very important.

Some would resort to a quick spanking. But I think it’s good to draw a distinction between corrective training and punishment. Corrective training is the means and methods used to correct a deficient behavior. Spending extra time on a particular area. Assigning some reading or writing. Doing things again until it’s corrected. It’s not “punishment” in the true sense.

Punishment is on a different level. It is more severe, it can be difficult, and it often takes away something from the sub. If I were to use a spanking on Kasai for a punishment, it would be with the paddle, and she wouldn’t like it at all. But I would so sparingly – because I don’t want her to associate spanking with punishment. That would be like kicking your dog every time she brought you the newspaper.

Punishment doesn’t have to be a spanking. In fact, more often than not – it probably shouldn’t be. But we are often to quick to think about it, so we just use it as a go to method. I’ve learned that the best punishments relate to the infraction. After all, we want to see some correction.

After punishing, you also need to be attentive to the submissives mindset – true punishment can break things we don’t want broken. It can push away rather than draw closer. Just as we are aware of the sub-drop during a scene and care for her afterwards, we also need to be aware that after punishing, some after-care may be necessary.

Just a few thoughts….

:: M/s | Tops & bottoms

Thought I’d continue on from my previous post about what Kasai and I are not and start to drift into what we are. There have been some good posts by others lately about not defining who you are as a couple – and I thought it was really well thought out – check out wildwestangel’s article for yourself here.

Again – simply because Kasai and I may not connect a certain way, does not mean that we look down upon others way of connecting – and it should be noted that we too are still emerging.

master-slaveA slave is typically looked at as one who submits in all areas of life to their Dominant partner, or Master. Though I may have to generalize here a little, I do recognize that different people assign different definitions to these and other words.

That being said, being a slave doesn’t mean it’s not consensual; however, everything from how they dress to what they eat is under scrutiny. The power exchange is total – and applies all the time, and it is generally understood that there are no limits controlled by the slave.

A bottom on the other hand, is typically one who relinquishes control to their Top during sex alone. They set limits on their sexual submission. They may, or may not be masochistic.

Most people look at it as some kind of sliding scale – with bottoms on one end and slaves on the other.

Kasai isn’t a slave. I may call her my slave, I may place a collar around her neck, but I recognize that she is my life companion and I don’t try to control every aspect of her life. She’s also not a bottom – she submits to me more than when we are fucking.  Kasai submits her sexuality (which is a pretty large spectrum) to me – as I’ve mentioned we still talk about what that means, and explore different edges of it.

I think the important thing is to not be defined, don’t be set in stone, don’t stay stuck on one picture of what you think you should be. Any relationship requires communication let alone any element of dominance & submission.

:: Via Negativa

Latin for the “negative way”, via negativa is the process of knowing something, by knowing what it is not. I thought I’d share a few posts on what I and Kasai are not, to share what we are.

Disclaimer: simply because we are not a specific way doesn’t mean that I/we don’t condone how others construct their relationships.

Domestic Discipline

domestic disciplineWhile there are many forms of DD, they pretty much share one thing in common – one of the individuals in the relationship is given authority over the other, and a means of enforcing that authority – typically spanking. Beyond things sexual in nature, a DD relationship involves more of the every day life. Should the submissive partner make a mistake – for example in the picture above, the dominate may use a spanking for discipline and correction. Fuck up dinner – spanking. Argue with the dominant – spanking. Put too much starch in the collar – spanking. Wrong type of coffee – spanking.

I tend to relate a DD relationship as a Master/slave light – the partners typically don’t use the words “master” or “slave”, but for the most part they share very similar attributes.

As I said, every DD relationship is different, but typically this the norm. It centers more on one of the partners being submissive in every aspect. Kasai and I are not a DD.

For years, Kasai made a lot of decisions for us – as I placed her wants and desires ahead of mine, and that took a toll. I can remember a few times when she would look at me and say “Just make a decision”. Kasai doesn’t want to make all the decisions, and I’m not going to say absolutely that in the future we may or may not add some areas into our structure; however, I’m not going to bend her over m knee if she burns my dinner. Again – that’s just us.

I can understand why a couple might be in a DD though. It could be because of religious or cultural reasons. Or it could be to add ‘something’ (be it structure, a connection, leading/being led, etc) to the marriage. I would only caution against any flavor of DD that results in one partner becoming less than the other.

:: things that matter

things that matterIt’s something we learn early on in a relationship, but it’s something easily neglected. It’s the things that matter deeply. Things like simply spending time together, cuddling, doing a puzzle, talking a walk, reading – any number of little things that actually offer a gauge as to the overall health of the relationship.

:: Water-Boarding ~ BDSM style

water-boarding - BDSM styleWaterboarding doesn’t have to be a devious act performed by government agencies any longer! This is a sure fire way to work up your sub quick-fast and in a hurry. You can use a tub, a sink, a hose – the imagination is up to you! Turn it on, turn it off, turn it on again! Within 60 seconds of this treatment, your sub will be begging for you to stop!

:: BDSM Poster – Trust

TrustTrust is an interesting phenomenon. It requires a degree of fidelity and belief in another to have the best intentions for you. It’s extremely fragile (no, that’s not an Italian word) and brittle. It can be hard to repair. It is a gift we receive from another – it’s not something that can be taken or demanded.