Sex is a taboo topic for most people. For the most part, girls talk to girls; and guys talk to guys – but in my observations couples don’t talk to each other.
Not even about vanilla sex.
This is due to the fear of rejection and the desire to not their partners feelings. People find it hard to describe to their lovers what they way and what they don’t like.
So when it comes to BDSM, it can be even that much more difficult. “Get on your knees and present yourself” isn’t really a great conversation starter, neither is “So, I bought a riding crop today, tonight I’m going to spank you with it”.
Another question might be – who is actually getting into BDSM – is it couples who are already together, couples just meeting, those that just met, people online?
In my observation, more people emerge into BDSM who are already in a committed relationship. And that alone can make the conversation starter even that much more terrifying. You have invested so much – do you dare risk it to share your desires?
It is also my observation that more people drift into BDSM after exploring non-vanilla sex. Some light spankings and bondage, a little rougher sex. Most people don’t start their conversations with “Hey, wanna by sex slave?”
When it comes to kinky sex, some people find an easy way by saying “Have you ever given any thought to being spanked”. But even that question can be scary – what if your partner says not only “no” but “HELL NO!” or “Who do you think you are!”
So, the majority might slip some cuffs on someone, or during sex give a little slap on their partners ass. Or maybe they tug on the hair a little harder, or start to talk dirty.
For emerging into BDSM, it can be equally as nerve racking as exploring kinky sex. How do you start a conversation about one person becoming more submissive, especially in today’s culture where it’s dismissed as weakness or degrading?
It can be the same way – small conversation starters. Maybe it’s looking at some light BDSM pictures and saying “How do you feel about this picture?” Or buying a book about sex that includes some chapters about BDSM.
And for those who may have other fetishes – even if you’re into some non-vanillla sex, even if you are already in a D/s relationship, it can still be hard to discuss other things. It’s not always easy to say “Hey, did you know water sports really turns me on?”
Regardless of what kind of relationship you have you have to talk about it. You have to trust your partner enough to not simply reject you. If they do – there are bigger issues than sex.
Odds are, you will be surprised at how your partner is open to the conversation. You might be a little ashamed for even feeling you might be rejected.
How did you first begin to explore BDSM?
The hows and the whys are not so important, but for an hour, Kasai did nothing but experience waves on top of waves of orgasms – it was a tsunamigasm. My hands wrapped tightly around her neck, I wouldn’t let her go. I wouldn’t stop.
What is important to consider and think about though, is the time after our scene. I held her tightly and caressed her body – talking softly to her. Her breathing was erratic – her heartbeat well over 100 bpm. I directed her to take deep breathes, which helped both.
When her breathing was under control, I continued to hold her. After about 20 minutes, Kasai wanted to get up, so I wrapped her in her thick bath robe so she could continue to warm up. I helped her walk downstairs for a few minutes, and then carried her upstairs. She was still cold, and I laid down next to her to warm her up.
I continued to talk to her softly and warmly.
It took about an hour for her to come down. I wanted to share this for a couple reasons. In vanilla sex, aftercare is meaningless and never happens. In D/s, it’s paramount. A sub goes through so many ranges of emotions, and their body is flooded with intensity. There is a powerful and spiritual connection that doesn’t end simply because of a climax.
Aftercare is such an important element. It is equally as powerful as the rest of the scene. I enjoy holding Kasai, she is still in such a fragile state, and feeling her in my arms as she regains herself gives us a very intimate moment – one filled with both Dominance – and submission.