:: BDSM Question: How does D/s fit into a marriage?

Earlier, Rosewyn asked a couple of questions, her second one being: how does D/s fit into a marriage. I think it’s a great question! I realize that many here are, or were married – so your comments in the dialogue I’m sure would be most appreciated!

A while back, I read a post about a wife saying her marriage being more important than any single aspect – in other words, if her and their D/s changed what was most important was the relationship they had.

I couldn’t agree more. Kasai is my wife and my best friend. Her relationship means more to me than any other. Through the years we have had good and hard times and through the fire we are stronger now than ever. Though we are apart now, we both know we aren’t meant to be anywhere else than in each others presence.

In my experience, D/s complements our marriage, just as we do naturally anyways. When one of us is down, or having a low, or impatient about something, the other is motivating, strong, and brings perspective.

Our D/s interacts in almost every phase of our relationship, though it is not our relationship. Yes, we are very sexual, but our sex doesn’t define us. Our relationship defines us. But our D/s compliments it – it has deepened our trust and intimate knowledge of each other. Through it, we have opened up in new and meaningful ways with each other.

But through it, there is still life – sometimes one of is having a hard time dealing with something or just having a bad day. Life happens. There are shitty days. People get sick. Kids, family, and friends need to be dealt with.

If one went off of books, D/s is all glorious and never messy – but this isn’t the case. A D/s dynamic doesn’t take the life out of life. But it can bring new shades of meaning to the things once taken for granted – it can help open our eyes, ears, and hearts towards the other.

In a book or BDSM porn, the Dom would simply say “Just do as I say” or something similar to deal with issues – but in real life things don’t work like that. And actually, that type of response can make things more difficult in a relationship because it often ignores the root issues.

A more elegant response would be for the Dom to continue being a leader with their finger on the pulse and not being quick to make rash decisions. Remaining calm, keeping eyes on the bigger picture. This is true for any mature relationship, and in a D/s – the roles should compliment that.

Another side issue is the matter of consistency. Through the different changes and stages of day-to-day life, a couple needs to be consistent in how they interact with each other. A submissive needs their Dom to be their Dom and visa versa. When life happens, some of that interaction may incarnate itself differently, but the needs don’t change.

Over the past several months, Kasai has had to deal with life alone – some serious issues with our oldest, the car breaking down, issues with the house, and the list continues. She is a very strong and able woman and has managed all of them with grace and strength and I couldn’t be more proud of her. What she really wanted (and me too) is to not have to deal with these alone – but she has. Being submissive doesn’t mean that she is a weak woman who can’t manage life issues. But through the lens of our dynamic, I have witnessed her strength in new ways.

I realize that in every marriage the D/s dynamic is going to be different – but I think one of the key points in my response to your question is that it’s important to not lose who you are as a couple. Kasai is strong willed and sassy – we play a lot and are snarky with overtones of sarcasm throughout a lot of our relationship. Together we are best friends, we love each others presence, though I sometimes suck at it, we talk about everything and nothing. We have a deep love for each other that grows stronger with each passing day.

Our D/s hasn’t taken away from who we are as individuals or as a couple; rather, it is built in these things and brings out the details in a new light. Though we connect on a much different level, we are not “different’”.