:: BDSM on a Budget (Bondage Furniture)

I’m sure we would all love a room filled with a collection of toys and furniture that would rival any dungeon. Most; however, have things like a budget to consider. Not to mention explaining to your kids why they had to give up a bedroom that is always locked, LOL.

One of the main concerns about BDSM furniture is that it only has one purpose. And while that purpose is fucking amazing, it’s often hard to justify spending hundreds or thousands of dollars on a spanking bench or table.

The bondage bench on the right is a very simple piece, but still, people may be concerned with having hooks and d rings that to us have obvious intentions. An alternative might be a simple shoe shelf. 

This low profile table looks stunning, plus it could be hidden under the bed pretty easily; however, again, if your concerned about spending probably $500 on it, think outside of the box and consider a mechanics creeper.

Use an adjustable weight bench for lots of fun as a bondage table. You can set it to flat, incline or decline positions, and there are plenty of places to secure those arms and legs.

Need a spanking bench? Consider an inexpensive foot stool like the one below.

No matter what kind of furniture you want, there will be an alternative that will be a fraction of the cost, plus it will have more than one purpose. You don’t have to break the bank to have a little fun.

:: BDSM Routines – The Good & Bad & the Ugly

My buddy Webster defines routines like this:

a sequence of events regularly followed; a fixed system

A routine in and of itself isn’t bad. Many find they need a little structure to define or enhance the dynamic. And clearly a routine can do just that. A lot of people want to be in better shape – they want to go to the gym, they want to walk or jog more, they want to lose a few pounds or see some more definition. And so they go to the gym once, maybe for a month, and then….

The desire – the goal didn’t disappear; but without a solid routine, it is very hard to flesh out. We need some accountability, because life happens. We need a partner so we don’t go at it alone.

And then, there’s this guy. The guy who is so stuck on his routine, so fixated on what he wants that nothing else matters. His goal comes first. It becomes obsessive. Addictive. To the point where it’s obviously not healthy.

It all kind of goes back to what our goals are. If they are inherently selfless – then a pattern that can flex and change with life can be a beautiful and healthy thing. If at the end of the day, it is selfish, then the pattern will bear selfish fruit.

In a D/s dynamic, many people want to add some structure, some routine, and that can be a good thing – but don’t get stuck to the point where the pattern isn’t fulfilling. You need to be able to deal with life as well. And sometimes, you need to make changes.

Communicating with your partner openly and honestly can help you gauge where you both are at. Don’t take each other for granted. Don’t let the pattern overtake the reason for the pattern.

The origin of this word routine, is route. If we remember that, we can make positive routines in our lives – it’s the path we are on, taking us where we want to go. We can change lanes, we can speed up or slow down. We can take detours or alternative roads, but we stay on the path that is taking you where you want to go. And most importantly – have fun!

:: STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN

The trail is forbidden. It’s taboo.

Millions of people every year witness it – they pass right by the trailhead.

But they don’t venture down it.

Some are worried about getting caught – what would others think if they found out they journeyed onto this path? Others are concerned they will get hurt. Most enjoy to look at images and read about others travels, but simply don’t take a step on it themselves.

There are some though, that are drawn into the wilderness. They are compelled to travel into the unknown. They desire to go beyond the well traveled roads into the depths and mystery.

 

:: REDISCOVER YOUR SEXUAL SENSES

Breathing: Breathing is central to life. We breathe in – we know and are made alive to the world. We breathe out – we make ourselves known. It is one thing with two movements. Too often, we take our breathing for granted. Become aware of your breathing and gain a better understanding of life. Breathe with your partner. Share in the moment every detail.

Sit opposite of each other in a comfortable position. Breathe in and out slowly taking deep breaths. Maintain eye contact and watch your partner intently. Begin to align your breathing – when the man breathes out, the woman breathes in – let the rhythm unit yourselves.

Touch: We learn so much through feeling. The skin is our largest organ, but so many times we become adjusted and unaware. We lose the wonder of love and life. Losing this sense affects our ability to communicate in many ways.

Reignite sexual energy through an erotic massage. Explore your partners body – every square inch. Pay attention to fingers, toes, backs of knees, ears, scalp as well as the rest of the body. Use fire and ice to enhance your partners sense of feeling. Lick, suck, massage and caress each other. Talk and laugh freely.

Make each other come. When there is no pressure for the man to perform, his focus is directed to experiencing sexual bliss. Use your mouth and hands to please his cock, testicles, perineum, and anus. Cherish the moment as you give him erotic pleasure, and when he experiences an orgasm or ejaculates, celebrate it, enjoy it, and own it. Treat his come like a gift to be savored.

Similarly, when a woman is pleased for the sake of pleasure alone, there is no agenda. She is free to feel her sexuality and enjoy it fully relaxed. Enjoy her whole body with both hands and mouth. Pay attention as her breathing deepens and her back begins to arch and sway to your touch. Pleasure her clitorus, her labia, as well as pressing into her pussy. Alternate between them and allow herself to become lost in pleasure. Allow her to climax, orgasm, or ejaculate several times. Finish in stillness and softness and feel thankful for the woman who welcomed you.

Sound: Vibrations flow through all of space and time. Some feel lost without some form of noise, while others need the quiet. Both are beautiful. One of the most beautiful noises are our voices. Make time to talk and truly listen to each other. You don’t have to try and solve every problem. There is a time to talk, there is a time to listen, and there is a time for both. Talk about your emotions and feelings. Talk about your desires and what makes you excited.

During sex, continue to talk to each other. Don’t feel like you need to censor yourselves. If his cock feels fucking amazing in your pussy – say it to him. If her pussy makes you feel like you are in heaven – say it to her. Make each others hearts melt and speak boldly your passion for each other. Moan loudly.

Have completely silent sex where you focus on all other senses. Fill your room with sensual music that relaxes or builds on your passion.

Sight: It’s often said that the eye is one of the most complicated things in the human body. It allows us to penetrate through space and awaken to the world around us in a way like no other. Life can be a visual feast that we partake of if we rid ourselves of judgement and comparison.

Stare into each others eyes. Gaze upon each others bodies. Look at their ears, neck, legs, arms, and fingers. Let your eyes wonder without agenda and simply revel at the beauty that sits before you. Feel the emotions you have regardless of where you are looking and embrace them.

Taste: Everything has become instant in these modern times. You need it now – from the internet to fast food restaurants. Learn to incorporate taste in your sexuality. Slow down and enjoy the little things.

During a meal, feed your partner every bite. Blindfold your partner and play with foods that have different textures, tastes, and smells. Use your partner as a plate (not too hot or cold! lol). Drink wine from the same glass. Use your tongue to explore your lovers body.

Scent: Most animals rely on their smell for life. Most humans ignore this sense. Reclaim it as your own and learn to enhance your sexuality through it.

Blindfold your partner and allow them to explore your body through the sense of smell. Feast on your partner’s scent. Discover each other. Take your time and explore every part of your lovers body. Play with different scents – oils, fruit, incense.

Dance: We often love dancing when we are younger. But over the years, we have a tendency to drift away from it. Our hearts harden to this gift. Bur dancing generates a freeing and sexual power. If we lose our self-conscience and simply be present in the moment, we can gain a new wonder for loving and living.

Dance for your partner. Dance with your partner. Dance to reveal your true nature. Dance fully clothed – dance fully naked. Dance in the kitchen. Dance in the streets.

Joy: Laughing is a release of joy from within. It’s often abused when we laugh at another in judgement – but there is a pure  joy that expresses itself when we smile – when we giggle. The joy could come from any number of other senses, or it could rise from our hearts all by itself. But life has a tendency through daily routine and trying to pay the bills to rob of us the joy of life.

All the while, we look at children who are care free and wish we could be like them. There is no reason you shouldn’t be. Life may be serious – but it is seriously sacred and should be celebrated just as children do regardless of how old we are.

Tickle each other. Tell jokes to each other. Learn to laugh at yourself. Smile more often. Become giddy again. Experience new things together. Enjoy your partner. Take pleasure in pleasing them – and demonstrate it. It could be through a smile, a word of encouragement, a moan, a deep breath or a thousand other ways.

Play with each other – make forts out of blankets, roll around in the backyard. Set up a slip n slide. Go to the park. Play make believe.

Simply enjoy each other.

:: Sacred Space

Having a place dedicated to yourselves is important. It may not be a room, or a dungeon – but if you create a space that is conducive it will enable your union to continue to deepen.

We can’t all have this room, but there is a lot that we can do.

Many people use their bedroom – and that’s perfectly okay. But look around. Is it cluttered with dirty laundry? Are there stacks of daily life around? Reclaim the space as your own.

You can use furniture, wall hangings, colors, fabrics, ritual objects, candles, lighting, fragrance. It’s worth investing in a little here and there.

Repurpose a large ottoman or coffee table.

You may not be able to afford some of the furniture you want yet – but you can do a lot with a dining room chair or a weight bench. An ottoman is a simple, functional, and comfortable piece as well. Padding a saw horse makes an excellent spanking bench. You can be creative with almost anything.

Look for colors that will accent your desire for the space, and try to work with those colors as you move forward. From curtains, to pictures, rugs, comforters, pillows – just put a little thought into it with each purchase – you don’t have to get everything at once.

Keeping your space clutter free is one of the easiest, cheapest, most important things you can do to better your room.

Keep your dressers, night stands, or counters as clutter free as you can – and use them as well to help with the space – you can place an arrangement of candles, or other items. If you have lamps, consider the color of light that they project – you may not want a harsh whtie light, simply changing the bulb to a different hue can make a world of difference.

Music can add another element as well. What kind of music you play is up to you, but for me (most of the time), I prefer music without lyrics. Not sure which direction I wanted to go, I began to download soundtracks to movies, because they offered a high quality instrumentation and musical quality that I wanted.

You don’t have to buy special furniture – use your dining room or office chair to have some fun.

Just a little thought and effort can go a long way. We all purchase items for the house and our bedroom throughout the year – think about the duality of the items, the colors, the shades, that can enhance your vision for the space as you look for things that accent the area.

I’ve used a lot of items from around the house – whether I moved them into the bedroom for an evening, or used them where they were – but almost any item can be utilized – you don’t have to intuitionally purchase something that can only be used for sex. Many items can be repurposed.

The great thing about using what you already have, is it helps keep your space clutter free – after your done with the chair, go put it back. There is also a connection throughout the house as your mind is drawn back to those moments when they were used.

:: SACRED UNION

The union many find in D/s is different than most others. I believe it is sacred. When we feel the oneness with our partner we celebrate every aspect of our union. Where in some relationships, the woman may fake orgasms and the male may be so focused on his own ejaculation that he’s done in less than 5 minutes – in a D/s the celebration is extended. The woman may experience multiple types and quantities of orgasms, the male may not be concerned with ejaculating at all. But every orgasm – and every ejaculation is a point of celebration. They are gifts from and to each other.

Learn to deepen your relationship with your partner. There was a spark of wonder when you met – reignite that and live in it. See the beauty in your partner – the beauty that is otherworldly. The beauty that they may not even see within themselves.

Too often, from so many sources, we can become self-conscience of ourselves. We think we are skinny or fat. We feel we should have larger breasts or a bigger penis. We think we are too short or small. If we only had different hair, were stronger, or had more money.

We need to learn to love ourselves as our partner loves us. All of these negative emotions and feelings are a result of self-awareness. If we lose ourselves into the sacred bond and see the beauty within we can awaken to our sexual nature that frees us from the negativity.

Touch your partner. Feel their heart and their breath. Wrap yourselves in an uncensored blanket of love where there is no shame. Look into each others eyes deeply. Don’t have sex to receive – have sex to give.

While Kasai enjoys receiving gifts at Christmas – what she truly cherishes is giving to another, then watching the joy and excitement that overtakes the other as they receive. The happiness the other experiences, is the foundation for her joy. Sexual intimacy is the same way. When we give to our partner for their sake – for their pleasure, for their desire or satisfaction – we find our own erotic pleasure. When both give to each other in the same manner, it’s cosmic in nature.

But this form of giving sexual pleasure isn’t limited to intercourse. We need to learn the art of touching our partners outside of penetrative sex. We need to master the craft of loving our lover. The more we express our love and adoration to our partner outside of sex, the deeper the connection during sex. The deeper of a connection we experience during sex brings forth a deeper connection outside of sex. We need to couple our bodies, hearts, minds, and spirits into one sacred union.

:: BDSM & TANTRIC SEXUALITY

I realize that most of my postings have been about some form of BDSM or another – from training, to spankings, to discipline, and the joys of sex. Sometimes; however, we often associate a D/s dynamic with fast and hard things – even as we realize the sexual and spiritual union that is deepened through it. But we don’t often talk about it.

Over the next few posts, I want to explore this.

Most couples who have been together a while often complain about their sexuality. It’s become routine. It’s not new, or fresh. It has dissipated to mean intercourse only – and that only happens every now and then. They don’t feel alive. The sex is predictable and boring.

While these are many of the reasons why people begin to explore outside of their relationship, they are also many of the reasons why they turn to each other and try to rediscover their love for each other.

What we need is more intimacy. We need to embrace who we are. To feel satisfied, alive, and fulfilled.

How do we do that?

Some have found it within a D/s dynamic, and as I’ve written about in the past about the History of BDSM, many of the elements within BDSM are not new – people around the world have for centuries discovered beauty and sacredness in their sexuality.

One of these paths was birthed in India nearly 5,000 years ago. It’s the idea that sexuality, spirituality, and emotions are all interconnected. That the human body should be celebrated. Sexual intimacy should be fully enjoyed.

One of the ways to do this, is to rediscover who we are – as individuals, and as a couple. When a couple first meets, they enjoy learning about each other. They enjoy their differences. Each felt that love was a gift and that their partner should be treated with reverence and honor.

In a D/s dynamic, these things are brought back to the forefront. But rather than simply bending your sub over your knee – find a moment to slow down and simply enjoy your partner. Relearn how to communicate – and do so freely. Don’t censor yourself or your emotions and feelings.

When a couple first begins to emerge into D/s, many find it liberating – they had kept their desires bottled up…they didn’t know how their partner would take it…would they be rejected? Rather, they find that their partner embraces them – they find freedom.

Don’t let that sense leave. Continue to move forward in your journey together. Don’t suppress your feelings. Don’t reject your desires. They are beautiful and natural. Embrace them – talk about them – experience them.

:: BDSM & LOVE LANGUAGES

Almost twenty years ago, Gary Chapman wrote a book called “The Five Love Languages”, while I think the book is a little over simplified (though not as oversimplified as this post), it’s not totally out in left field. He discusses gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and physical touch. I would disagree that a person responds best to one primary language and suggest that we need to receive (and give) all. That said, there are certainly ways that people  are more easily connected with, so I don’t disagree totally.

A couple major points to remember is that we shouldn’t rely using on the ‘language’ that we prefer – rather, use the one our partner will receive.

The first thing I want think about is how we often rely on these languages after something wrong has happened – for instance, a guy buys flowers after a fight….we seek to embrace our lover after a quarrel…and it continues. We need to become better an expressing our love and desire for our partner without finding ourselves in a pinch, because it’s then that our gift of love isn’t taken as just a gesture.

PHYSICAL TOUCH.

Relating to sex, it would seem that physical touch is an easy topic. But remember that the key thing here is to give to your partner what they need and desire to feel. It’s a selfless act, not a selfish act. I may spend an hour giving myself to Kasai before I even

But it’s more than sex. Most women want to feel their man touch them outside of sex – to be held, to be hugged, to be caressed, or to feel sexy and alive during normal times. They want to curl up in your arms. They want to hold hands, and feel your arms around their waist. Guys, if you do this, the invisible bond is strengthened.

What about what the guys want to feel? Well, they actually want the same things – guys want to feel their women in their arms too. They want to feel you come up behind them and wrap your arms around them. They want to feel sexy as well, and nothing says “I’m the man” than having their woman’s hands on them – could be watching a movie and feeling your hand resting on their cock, or caressing their ass, and of course a passionate kiss works for both.

When it comes to a D/s dynamic things don’t change. Really, it just deepens. The need deepens and enlarges. Submissives need to feel dynamically connected to their Dom through physical touch, both during a scene, but especially when not in a scene. The same goes for Dominants – not only do they need to feel empowered during sex, they need to feel that connection outside of sex.

ACTS OF SERVICE.

In these modern western times, most people appreciate receiving an act of service, but few enjoy giving it. Some of that is from abuse, other aspects are from feminization, and there’s always pride. But acts of service is a powerful way to connect to our lover.

Women want to feel their needs are being taken care of. Most enjoy it when their guy will do things for them that they may normally do. They feel a connection when their man simply does things for them. They want to feel like a lady – like they are special. And one of the easiest ways to do this, is to do something for them.

Guys enjoy it when their lady does things for them as well. Could be a glass of tea or water after doing some yard work. It’s a sign of appreciation when a woman finds a way to do something for their man, and it doesn’t go by unnoticed.

In a D/s, it’s the same. While this language may be more submissive nature, a sub will feel connected through a Dom’s gift in this area. How can a Dom serve their sub? Open doors, act like a gentleman, order desert and feed her for a few ideas. Many subs will demonstrate this language by finding ways to serve their Dom both within the scene and outside as well.

WORDS OF AFFIRMATION.

You would think this one is a no brainer, but we often suck at communication. And this language should really be expanded beyond affirmation to cover all verbal communication.

Most women complain that their partner doesn’t communicate well. Women need to have a good dialogue with their partner, and Kasai is no different (this also happens to be one of my weakest areas to give in). Many women are may have a smaller circle of friends, others are stay at home moms, so the only adult they get to talk to is their partner. Guys, you (myself included) have to learn how to talk better. It’s not okay to talk up a storm with our buddy’s or coworkers and not be able to talk to our woman. We have to learn the art of small talk, we have to open up about bigger issues, and we have to learn our to praise our partner as well.

Guys need the same thing too. We want to chit chat about things we are interested in. We love it when there is something passionate about that we can talk with our girl about. Guys also need to hear some affirmation as well.

In D/s, words (or lack thereof) can make or break things. A Dom needs to be able learn the art of talking during and outside of a scene about what they want without breaking their sub. They also need to be experts in praising and correcting. Subs too need to demonstrate their satisfaction and adoration to their Dom.

QUALITY TIME.

The gift of quality time can be together or alone. While we often spend quality time together, we also need to give the gift of quality alone time as well. I like when Kasai gets to have a girls weekend or girls night out, because she is able to have fun with her close friends. I also love it when we get our own getaway too!

Women’s need for quality time is strong. You can spend all the money you want on a woman, but if you don’t invest your time, you’re going to lose everything. What does she enjoy doing? Is it shopping, yoga, bowling, volunteering? Guys – do it with her and invest energy into ensuring she can do the things she loves to do.

Younger guys are often into video games. Others may enjoy camping or hiking. Some like to hunt. Girls – pick up a controller or buy some shoes to hike in.

Same goes for D/s expressions as well. There’s the obvious quality sex time, but Dominants – you need to invest in after care. Both need to spend quality time having quality discussions about their D/s – learn more about each other, learn more about being a Dom or a sub – and then do it.

GIFTS.

This is one language everybody loves. It becomes engrained in us starting with our 1st birthday. We feel loved when our family and friends think about us and give us a gift that shows their appreciation or love to us.

There are a lot of ways to give gifts to a woman. There’s the obvious ones: jewelry, cards, chocolate, a massage, spa treatment, sex toy, shoes (better let her pick the shoes out though, LOL), and the list goes on. Problem is, most guys don’t think about gifts unless it’s valentines day, a birthday, anniversary, or christmas. Guys – we gotta do better on this one. Give to her throughout the year – and remember, some of the most cherished gifts don’t cost money.

Guys love it when they receive gifts too. But women also have the same problem guys often have – not thinking about gifts throughout the year. Ladies, learn the art of giving gifts to your man that he will enjoy. FYI, nothing says “I love you” quite like a BJ, LOL.

In a D/s it’s the same way. I ordered a bunch of charms a while ago and started giving one to Kasai for different things that we’ve experienced. I also try to send her to the spa every now and then and of course I’ve bought a sex toy or two. Gifts are easy to give to each other (Dom or sub) – we just need to know (through quality time and communication) what our lover desires.

:: SUMMARY.

Again, the important thing is when we give the gift of our love, affection, adoration – Dominance or submission, that the gift is for the other’s pleasure and satisfaction, not our own. Many things may be mutual in nature. But we need to key in on what our partner wants – on what they resonate with – on the things they enjoy to receive. When we do that, we act our of selfless love and devotion to our partner.

In a D/s dynamic, we find ourselves revealing our inner most secret desires. We talk about our wants and needs. We want to explore our kink and push boundaries. We often find ourselves enjoying things we once may have considered taboo as we dive into a tantric sexuality.

When we do that, the relationship is strengthened and deepened. It becomes more dynamic and resilient. The bond is tempered and hardened in an invisible fire that sears the two into one inseperable  unity

:: Best Kept Secret for the Best Sex Ever

I know my last post was about violence, so I thought this next one (before I move on to a short series about bondage) would be somewhat like an antonym. Lets talk about the secret to the best sex ever. Ever!

It applies to the most vanilla sex to the kinkiest sex imaginable.

Whether you’re giving a blow job, kissing, fucking her throat, anal sex, eating pussy, giving a hand job, or using a Hitachi Wand. Whether your spanking soft or hard, using whips, crops, floggers, canes, or your hand. Regardless of if you’re using rope, chains, tape, or gags. Doesn’t matter if you in a missionary position, or a crazy variant of a kama sutra position. You could be in the bedroom, a dungeon, your car, or outside. Fully naked or fully clothed. Regardless of the ‘hows’ there is one secret that will help create the best sex you’ve ever had or could dream about.

It all comes down to one thing. One word.

That one word is: Desire. Passion. Lust. Love. Enthusiasm. Yearning. Present. Longing. Craving. Excitement. Longing. Excitement. Eagerness. Devotion. Intensity. Joy. Adoration. Delight. Elation. Wonder. Energy. Spirituality. Fierceness. Emotion. Power.

Yes, that’s more than one word – but it’s one thing said in a different light.

The point is, if you find yourself doing something out of a sense of duty, or because you feel that you have to, it’s not going to be great. If you’ve lost the sense of newness, it’s not going to be great. Call it a rut, call it the end of the honeymoon phase, call it whatever you like – but it happens in nearly every relationship at some point in time.

It doesn’t even have to be a ‘hard time’, sometimes, after a while it just creeps in on us, and after a while, it becomes the norm. The woman just lays there on her back and the guy just sticks his cock in her pussy and only cares about his orgasm. The woman might fake one, or she just may not care.

And though this is the reason why some people try to “spice up” there sex life, by trying something kinky. But the truth is you could already be in a kinky relationship and find yourself in the same pattern. That’s because great sex isn’t about the level of kink involved – it’s about selfless devotion to your partner.

It’s about finding joy in pleasing your partner. It’s about knowing what pleases your partner and doing that. Sometimes that means learning new things, or getting over internal barriers. And it’s not partial to men or women. And most of the time – when we fall out of sync with each other outside of sex there is a direct connection to our lackluster performance in bed. That’s because sexuality is more than sex – it’s a part of who we are.

The next time you kiss your lover – kiss her like you mean it. The next tim your out with your partner – talk and listen with intent. Hold hands like you did when you first met. Look each other in the eye. Give each other hugs for no reason. Cuddle on the couch and watch a movie or spend time on a walk or putting together a puzzle. Open her doors and compliment her. Notice things about each other and talk about them. Tell him your proud of him.

Adore each other.

And when you you have sex – mean it. Try to give your partner the best sex of their lives – every time. That doesn’t mean you have to be kinky or do something different all the time – just be you and enjoy it. Show your partner you love sucking on their cock, that it’s not just a chore. Seek her orgasms out and learn new ways to make her come. Cuddle afterwards. Talk about sex. Tell each other how great they are. Spank her ass like there’s no tomorrow and then fuck her brains out until she can’t walk. However you connect when you’re having sex – just do it with that one word.

It’s amazing how one word can do and affect so much.

:: Demonstrating Submission

Just as the submissive need their Dominant to lead them together in their D/s journey, the Dominant needs the submissive to follow the path.

There are many ways, of course the one most thought of is being obedient. But a Dom wants more than blind obedience – they want a submissive who enjoys the relationship. Most Dom’s want a healthy and lasting relationship – this means that both parties actually enjoy it. But what exactly, does a Dom need to see from their submissive?

A Dom wants to see willingness from the sub. If given direction to perform a task – the sub should seek to find pleasure in it. A Dom wants to see appropriate initiative from the submissive – if something presents itself that the submissive knows will please the Dom – seek to do it without being told.

Many people talk and view submission as a gift – and while I don’t disagree in general (all relational aspects are similar), it might be healthy to understand how this relates to demonstrating submission. A gift isn’t earned like a paycheck (though a Dominant should earn respect and trust) – it is given freely without expectation.

If you look at submission as given for something in return then it’s not truly a gift. Of course a submissive expects and desires something in return – things like respect, guidance, direction, leadership. So in some ways there are strings – but it isn’t like “I’ll submit to you if you tie me up and spank me”. Rather – it’s much deeper.

So a submissive demonstrates their submissiveness by recognizing that it is a gift and gives it freely, happily, and with a whole heart. What this looks like will be different in every relationship; however, there are common shades through all.

The first is releasing authority to the Dominant in areas surrounding areas that the two agreed were within the limits. If a sub said that the Dom has authority over when the two have sex, then the sub will demonstrate her submissiveness by giving herself to the Dom when de desires. The same would be true regarding the where’s and how’s.

And not simply “allowing” it to happen – but enjoying and finding fulfillment. Submissiveness with an eager and hungry heart demonstrates the desire to please the Dom.

Another area would be regarding protocol – whether it’s high/med/ow in private or public every D/s has some kind of protocol for how the Dom desires the two to interact with each other offering a framework for structure. A sub will demonstrate her submissiveness in her participation of the established protocol. More than just “going through the motion” – but finding a deep sense of connection at how the two interact with each other and strengthen bonds through the protocol.

Still another would be in the completion of assignments or tasks. A good Dom spends a lot of time and energy to think about training, so when they instruct a submissive to complete a task a submissive it will generally be interconnected with something much larger. A sub will demonstrate her submissiveness and trust in the Dominant by completing the tasks to the best of her ability.

Those final words “to the best of her ability” are important as well. Firstly, life happens, and neither the Dom nor the sub should look down on themselves or the other for when shit happens – people get sick, we have jobs, kids, family and friends – life is a beautiful mess and that mess can smear itself across your plans anytime. Secondly, while the sub desires to complete the task to please her Dom – it’s important to perform to the best of your abilities. Don’t judge yourself too harshly if you earnestly tried – I can promise you a good Dom won’t – rather they will find such fulfillment and satisfaction in knowing your heart and motives were pure.

These are just a few ways that a submissive can demonstrate her submissiveness to her Dom. It’s more than checking the box or blind obedience. Remember, your submission is a gift – give it with all your heart.