:: Planned Training

Yesterday was some thoughts on OTS, today I’ll share some on Planned Training. As I have mentioned several times in earlier posts, training is an essential part of a D/s relationship. But it’s one of the most neglected in media – be it books, video, the web, etc. It seems nobody talks bout it, other than to say, you should do it.

Rather, you’re given an image, a picture and you’re left trying to figure it out. This builds frustration and anxiety as you don’t simply wake up one day and magically have things happen. Yes, it’s true that every D/s is different, but certainly there are some principles that could apply to all/most?

A Dom needs to be patient and methodical. You have to think about the things you want. You need to research, plan, and coordinate. Think big – think small.

Ask yourself, where do you want to be in a year? How can that image be broken down into subgroups? Any relationship – and especially any D/s is complex – there are different components. What can you do regarding those sub areas to create scenes or moments to train your sub on it?

In most D/s relationships you have elements of cock/pussy ‘worship’, obedience, receiving pain, rough sex, anal sex, service, communication protocols, submissive positions, fetishes, and it goes on…

Now, in that one paragraph, I listed 9 areas. So, if I took my ideal of each one, and said “this is what I want to see”, I could develop a plan to navigate. It’s better for your plan to be goal based – not time based. In other words, don’t tie yourself to one session, if it takes 2 months, that’s okay.

It’s best to focus on one area at a time. Take that subgroup and look at where you are at right now and where you’d like to be. Develop scenes to focus on them, have your sub read specific articles or watch specific videos and write about it. Talk about it, it’s okay to let your submissive know a little about what you’re doing. Give her the end state – if she knows, she will probably be paying more attention and be find more enjoyment.

The training should be attainable and realistic. Some areas might be easier than others to develop a training plan. But none are impossible. It just takes a little time and creativity.

“If I’m focused on the 1 area, how do I handle the rest”, you ask? Don’t neglect them – play around in and with them. Just enjoy where you are at with them for the moment.

At the end, celebrate and reward.

:: After-Care

Submissives experience quite a bit as their Dom leads them through this journey. The emotions can often be hard to express, let alone the physical feelings. Sometimes there are feelings of being overwhelmed. Other times, the sub may feel humiliated. Kasai has been physically drained often times. There can be a strange sense of feeling lost – yet found.

Ultimately, the goal is freedom through submission.

Coming down from subspace has taken Kasai up to an hour. She has shared how she feels as though she’s not even on earth. It is dreamy. She’s cold. She is at peace. As Kasai’s Dom, I need to always recognize these different physical, mental, and spiritual emotions. It’s a process thats often uncontrolled for submissives.

Physically, Kasai needs warmth. She needs to be held, and caressed. If she’s been subjected to a good physical scene, she will need some lotion to help her skin rejuvenate. She often needs help moving until she has recovered, as her whole body is weak.

Mentally, she needs time. Time to process the scene. Time to regain herself and her composure. Even if the scene was short lived, her mind may be off in subspace.

Spiritually, she needs to hear my voice. She needs to feel me surround her. I caress her heart with words of affirmation and soul with a lingering touch.

Everyones relationship is going to be different. Kasai and I have been married for almost 17 years. She is my submissive, not my slave. She is my life-partner, not simply a fuck-toy. Caring for her in this way builds on every other aspect of our relationship. It leads us deeper into each other. 

:: D/s progressive levels

One of my old friends runs marathons all the time, I don’t even know how many he’s completed. I have another friend who runs them with a gas mask on – my kind of crazy.

I’ve done my share of running too; and I can assure you, it’s a learned art.

You have to learn how to breathe – how to deal with pain and not care, knowing it will go away – how to pace yourself – how to train.

Training is key for long distance running. You need shoes that fit right, you have to know how to eat, get plenty of rest, stretch properly before and afterwards. The time of day is also important as well as environmental factors. And of course – being consistent in it.

When it comes to D/s – it’s the exact same.

First – you don’t just wake up and become a role model for a BDSM novel, just like you wouldn’t wake up and go and become a gold medalist in the olympics.

Once you realize that – then you can actually begin to move forward.

You have to be consistent in your training – it needs to happen all the time. I’ve seen countless people go to the gym or try other major lifestyle changes and quit. They didn’t have the intestinal fortitude to stay with it. They were sprinting and got burned out.

Don’t get burned out!

Pace yourself in your training – become more methodical in the execution – be patient and intentional. Set realistic goals – and track your progress. Work on honing the finer details.

Being a Dominant or a submissive isn’t like making a New Years resolution to yourself where if you fail, it’s not big deal – it’s a commitment to each other – your partner needs you to and you need your partner to be dedicated to each other in this.

 

:: D/s Training plan the route

 So, you know where you are, and you have a good idea of where you want to go. Now you need to plan how you are going to get there.

This is where training really comes in – what are the smaller elements that make up and compose the picture you are trying to paint?

I love traveling. I’ve been on numerous continents, and I enjoy long road trips. My favorite way to travel is by train. All of these have things in common – you don’t just magically appear at your destination. There are layovers – there are pit stops, there are scenic routes and unplanned pauses. Sometimes there are alternate routes and overnight stays. Even an occasional flat tire or delayed take off.

I think too many people don’t factor in these things when it comes to relationships, let alone any dimension of D/s.

But all of these things are what makes traveling adventurous and fun – of course, if we don’t know how to handle them – they can make the trip the worst ever too!

So, you’ve got this vision of where you’re headed – don’t expect to simply arrive (truth is you never will) – break it down – figure out what all the little things are you need to do. Look for natural pauses to reflect and make changes to the route if you need to – it’s okay to shift directions.

Couple thoughts to close:

Don’t run yourself out of gas.  Sometimes you can push things too far and not get where you’re trying to go. You can still make it – but you’re going to have to go by foot and bring some gas back to the car. It’s better to know the limits, and work with them – not against them.

Don’t pass a gas station in the Southwest at night. I’ve traveled enough in the Southwest to know that if you pass a gas station at night and don’t stop – you’re a fool – because the next one is probably closed, and you’ll be sleeping in the car overnight – possibly in the middle of nowhere.

Don’t become distracted. You’re going to be multi-tasking – we all do it. We’re listening to the radio, we’re having conversations, etc – but don’t lose focus of what you’re doing. You’re trying to get somewhere – don’t allow the stresses to put you in an adverse position.

One leg of the journey at at time. You can’t drive on two roads at the same time – pick one route and stay the course. That doesn’t mean that you can’t turn around or take a different side road – but it’s best to focus on one particular area at a time in training.

Good journeys make you want to go back. Everybody has their favorite places – places they love to go back to. Their favorite paintings or favorite songs they could look at or listen over and over. Let it be the same way in your D/s – just because you’ve trained on an area 1 time, doesn’t mean you can’t go back to it – you never know what you might find the subsequent time.

Have an emergency kit. Some tools, a blanket, CB radio, water, food, gas tank – you travel with them – play with them too, and know how to use what you’ve got. Know some basic first aid, have some scissors handy, know how to read when things aren’t going right, don’t neglect care and maintenance either.

Fucking have fun! Enough said.

 

:: D/s Training Where you are going

Once you know where you are, you have to figure out where you want to go.

This is part of the problem with the majority of the BDSM community, especially for those who may be considering or just entreating the lifestyle – it’s that they show an “end state” which normally consists of anal sex, deep throating, bondage, spanking, squirting, cock sucking, amazing positions, toys galore, suspension, mouth fucking, rope and a lot of other yummy stuff.

I want to take Kasai to a couple foreign countries that I’ve been to, and some that I haven’t. Right now – I could care less where exactly we go – just so long as we are together, and make it there. Now that I know the bigger picture of where we are going – then I can start to figure out the smaller picture.

The problem with the porn – a) it’s all sex, and b) it’s an exact address.

On it simply being about sex. Kinky sex is awesome, if that’s all that you want. But any form of D/s, M/s, TIH, power exchange (total or otherwise), and others is more than kinky sex.

There are countless recipes of how each relationship works, but they all involve more than sex. And most websites fail to talk about that, or if they do, they simply talk about micromanaging. Still, you have to consider more than the actual moments of sex when trying to figure out where you want to go.

How about the exact address? My friend tells me to come to their place in San Antonio. I have an address – but how the hell do I get there? See, I know the end state, but what I need are some check points along the way – I need to start planning. 

And again, this is where all of that awesome BDSM porn leaves you hanging. This is where the vast majority of websites and books leave empty pages and white space. Because what’s painted is an arrival destination, but they aren’t talking about the trip itself.

You have to know where you’re going. And in some ways its good that you can so easily see some finished products. Though, I should also caution, that you will never actually arrive – 1 year, 5 years, 10 years – you will always be emerging.

But any form of BDSM isn’t like buying a house – it’s like building and maintaining one. 

 

:: D/s Training know where you are

I learned a long time ago that when it comes to land navigation, the first step is knowing where you are.

If I’m out in the wilderness, I can know this by a couple of different ways. I could utilize my map and use terrain association – that is, I find things on the map that I can recognize and orient myself. This is the most difficult of all the methods, but it’s the one skill that sets people apart.

Before you can set out on any path – you have to know where you are. Part of this implies knowing where you have been. It requires some introspection about who you are as well. You have to be able to question yourself – and be able to answer those questions.

In the wild – it could be life or death.

In a relationship, it could mean growth or separation.

In D/s it can lead to an extreme level of intimacy or it could lead to ruin.

If you use the power of google, you can find all kind of lists and questionnaires to help discover some of these questions. Though Kasai and I have used similar ones, we had been married for a long time prior to our entering into a Dominant and submissive relationship. Still – the conversation was needed.

To make assumptions can lead to….well, you know.

I’ve been in the wild training people on how to use basic and advanced navigation techniques, and a lot of people make a common mistake. They look to see where they are before they set off – but they don’t continue to monitor where they are along the way.

You see, knowing where you are isn’t a one time movement – it’s a constant. You can set off, thinking your on the right course, and end up lost.

You can begin your D/s thinking you know where you are going, and find yourself lost in the mix.

Never stop questioning yourself – never stop having the conversation with your partner. Don’t allow assumptions or things unspoken to ruin what you cherished.

:: D/s Training Parallels part II

Continuing from my previous post about parallels:

: Create constancy of purpose towards improvement. She’s your submissive for a reason – she wants to submit, she wants to feel your Dominance. She desires to please you (and herself) – so don’t hinder it. Make her feel valued!

: Adopt the new philosophy. As a Dom – you must learn and grow too! If you don’t it will create problems in your sub – how is she supposed to be submissive to someone who isn’t really Dominane?

: Improve & train constantly. Training never stops. Theres always something new, or something to revisit – or a way to change the variables.

: Drive out fear. Now I’ll discuss the phenomenon of fear later; however, the sub shouldn’t fear the Dom – as in if she answers a question honestly, it’s not her fault so don’t punish her. If she needs to talk about something, she needs someone to hear her. Communicating may need to be something you train on too, so bear that in mind.

: Eliminate requiring zero defects. Nobody is perfect – you must learn to use the negatives and turn them into positives. Yes, discipline may be in order – but remember, she WANTS to submit to you – don’t take that away from her for something pedly – and don’t misunderstand a playful spanking with a punishment.

: Institute a program of education. Reading, watching videos, seminars, munches, writing. These are all key ways to continuously improve (if you make them relate to the training, even better!)

: Remove barriers that rob pride in workmanship. She should feel proud to be your sub, just as much as you should be proud to be her Dom – it’s a very special and intimate connection. One of the only ways to remove these barriers is through training and meeting the intended goals, especially if it’s something she was hesitant about before.

:: D/s Training parallels

I have had all kinds of jobs. I’ve worked as a ranch hand, in warehouses, manufacturing, home building. I’ve had office jobs and wrench turning jobs. I’ve even owned and operated a business.

I want to say that I don’t look at D/s as a “business”, but where one can find something to enable improvement – that is a good thing.

Below are a few good practices I’ve seen in the business world with some notes as to how it might relate to D/s:

: Assess potential employees You have to know on the front end, what can and can’t be done. Communication is key now only now – but throughout – as some limits may be expanded, and you may find something that becomes a limit that wasn’t before. 

: Provides workplace standards. What are the protocols, rules, rituals. While this can be established after an assessment – rules and the like should be more fluid, and able to emerge depending on the training. Don’t get locked in, because if a Dom misses a que the sub will notice it and feel rejected, and may not ever say anything.

: Establishes OJT Develops a training program for what the sub will do for day-to-day life. Not necessarily scene related, but how we do we connect, how do we communicate, how do we deal with this or that issue? Continuous training on the rules, protocols, or rituals.

: Trains on additional programs Training emphasizing on 1 area at a time. Though some areas can overlap, it’s wise to take 1 area and work on that. Develop a clear pathway for success. Don’t limit yourself to time, and don’t be afraid to shelve it and return back to it (always end on a positive note!). It’s okay to go back and revisit the same areas later too!

: Assess performance & rewards the positive / disciplines the nonconformity We think we know about discipline (but may not), but don’t think too much about rewarding. It could be verbal or physical praise (especially outside of the sex!). It could be an act of service without having to be asked or a romantic moment. I would also caution to be careful regarding punishment. Make sure you communicate clearly before, during, and after.

: Compensates the employee through Salary & Benefits (paid vacation, Bonus, time off, sick hours, medical/dental, etc) Notice that salary and benefits are different elements. I’m not suggesting you pay your sub; however, simple would it be to pull out $10 or so a week and set it aside? Use it to send her to the spa, or other pampering. Set money aside to allow her some time away – give her a girls weekend a couple times a year. And set some time aside where you can have an open candid conversation about your relationship without fear of reprisal.

: Provides uniforms, pays for all company expenses (trips, meals, fuel, etc) Obvious – if you want the toys, you gotta buy them (or make them).

Of course, every relationship is unique – and each one of these (or other) areas will look different between each one.

:: BDSM Training – Thoughts on Training

A few thoughts on training.

One of the things I realized is that no one was really talking about the importance of training.

Sure, you could find people who mention it, or say it was “needed”; however, there seemed to be no real substance. And what was there was only in relation to things like anal sex or deep throating.

Not thinking about training, it’s purpose, value, and importance can cause a lag – at least it did with me. Because I knew where I wanted us to be, but I didn’t know “how” to get there.

Kasai isn’t a mind reader. So if I want to lead us somewhere, I have to lay out a path for us to walk on.

I feel it’s best to train on one area at a time – and that each area should build into the next. Everyone’s dynamic is different, but this doesn’t take away from the rewards of it.

There are essential elements to all training, and tons of things to train on, and I hope to discuss some more details later, but here’s a small snapshot:

Self Confidence, Self Image, Communication, Protocols, Receiving Pain, Public Expressions, and of course things more sexual in nature. And each one of these and others can be broken down into different specific elements.

I recommend developing a plan as you continue to emerge. By doing so, you can reach milestones and have something both can be proud of. A sub wants to please – so provide a pathway, and opportunity to do so – and – achieve new things.

I’d like to spend upwards of 2 months per area – although the training shouldn’t be time based. Sit down with your sub and explain what your goals or end states are. If you say “I want you/I/we to be able to do XYZ”  – and yet you achieve it – then think of the confidence, pleasure, enjoyment, deeper connection, etc that comes from it.

If you try do force all of it at one time, you may catch yourself trying to make shit up. And once you do that – your lover will know, because you won’t really be there. It can feel like your trying to just go through the motions.

And while those “motions” may be phenomenal and exciting, it’s not on the same level.

Just a few thoughts for now.