As a Dominant partner, you will be looked to by your submissive for direction, correction, instruction, and guidance. It’s a role that will require much of you – your time, consideration, attention. You must be consistent and you need to find a way to establish your authority.
This process will initiate during your negotiations. Anything that you have authority over is something you should exercise authority over. And this is why it’s an ongoing process to identify those areas, because things will continuously emerge.
To put it plainly – if you have responsibility and authority over a specific area – you need to act like it. Your sub said they wanted to submit to you in those areas – they want you to Dominant in them. Finding your personalized way of doing so may take time, but you need to figure it out.
If in your agreement with your submissive, it was determined that you would be dominant over when/where/how/why/etc you have sex – you need to exercise your authority. In that, I mean – you determine these things and maintain control.
If you agreed that you had final approval over how your sub dresses – you need to ensure this is an area you pay attention to and provide your guidance. Make decisions and follow through with them.
If your sub said they wanted you to be Dominant in how you interact (i.e. the development of protocols) – then you need to establish realistic protocols that function and be consistent in them. If you are Dominant regarding how you interact with each other in vanilla settings, then you need to do the same with these moments as well.
You sub wants you to exercise authority within your agreed limits. And as the Dom, you need to do so. Some things seem easier than others. It’s easier for a new Dom to tell his submissive to bend over his knee for a sexual spanking because they both enjoy it. It’s something they discussed about doing, and it comes very naturally.
Because what are you going to do if your sub fails to follow an instruction? What will you do if your sub says “no”. And what would you do if your submissive uses a safe word?
How you handle these areas can be rewarding or detrimental to your relationship. I believe that every situation dictates how a Dom handles it – in other words, there’s no one-size fits all approach. You need to quickly assess the mitigating or extenuating circumstances and then make a determination on how to proceed.
Generally speaking, a sub doesn’t want to fail – they want to say yes, and they don’t want to use a safe word. They want to please you and find reward through their submission.
That being said, sometimes a sub will not follow your instructions to the “t”. How will you handle these moments? Say for example you instructed your wear a specific set of panties for the evening. You are out on a date and at some point in time, you find out that she is wearing a different set – how will you deal with it? Will you just let it go? Will you find a way to exercise your leadership and authority in a way that builds upon your relationship? Will you simply spank the sub?
It’s just a pair of panties – no big deal, right? You gave specific instructions, so while it may not be a ‘big deal’ – you still need to do something. This was an area determined you would have authority over, and as such, you provided some specific direction.
If, without question you simply bend her over your knee and spank her – you may have exercised authority – but you may not have address the actual problem; therefore, you have turned towards the tyrant rather than the Dominant.
Even in the little things you need to find the root cause. Question her – maybe she totally misunderstood you, maybe the pair of panties was dirty, maybe she couldn’t do the laundry due to another issue, maybe she just said ‘fuck you’.
The simple action of questioning is in itself an act of authority – it is placing her actions accountable to you – she is answering to you. For simple neglect you will be surprised how a few questions and telling her your unhappy can affect her. For areas of misunderstanding (or situations outside her control)- the air is cleared and there is no shame on either party. For those times she knew what you wanted but didn’t do so due to situations within her control – corrective measures and discipline are in order. Typically “fuck you” moments are systemic of issues well beyond the nonconformity.
And it’s not just the negative – the negative simply gets more press. How will you exercise your authority to reward your submissive?
Again, your submissive wants you to make decisions and take control in those agreed upon areas. She wants you to lead and guide the two of you in your journey. She wants you to hold her accountable (for both positive and negative). She needs you to be paying attention, to be consistent in how you act, and demonstrate your Dominance.