:: BDSM Routines – The Good & Bad & the Ugly

My buddy Webster defines routines like this:

a sequence of events regularly followed; a fixed system

A routine in and of itself isn’t bad. Many find they need a little structure to define or enhance the dynamic. And clearly a routine can do just that. A lot of people want to be in better shape – they want to go to the gym, they want to walk or jog more, they want to lose a few pounds or see some more definition. And so they go to the gym once, maybe for a month, and then….

The desire – the goal didn’t disappear; but without a solid routine, it is very hard to flesh out. We need some accountability, because life happens. We need a partner so we don’t go at it alone.

And then, there’s this guy. The guy who is so stuck on his routine, so fixated on what he wants that nothing else matters. His goal comes first. It becomes obsessive. Addictive. To the point where it’s obviously not healthy.

It all kind of goes back to what our goals are. If they are inherently selfless – then a pattern that can flex and change with life can be a beautiful and healthy thing. If at the end of the day, it is selfish, then the pattern will bear selfish fruit.

In a D/s dynamic, many people want to add some structure, some routine, and that can be a good thing – but don’t get stuck to the point where the pattern isn’t fulfilling. You need to be able to deal with life as well. And sometimes, you need to make changes.

Communicating with your partner openly and honestly can help you gauge where you both are at. Don’t take each other for granted. Don’t let the pattern overtake the reason for the pattern.

The origin of this word routine, is route. If we remember that, we can make positive routines in our lives – it’s the path we are on, taking us where we want to go. We can change lanes, we can speed up or slow down. We can take detours or alternative roads, but we stay on the path that is taking you where you want to go. And most importantly – have fun!

:: BDSM Meme | Just for the Sex

Many people in the BDSM community have not articulated ourselves very well. We like to proclaim that there is no “right way” to do BDSM. We say, as long as it’s safe, sane, and consensual, then go for it.

And then some books are written, and a movie is made that throws the whole community up in a storm of commotion, everyone saying “That’s not REAL BDSM”. Wait…I thought we said there was no “right way”.

Truth is, there is a loud voice in the BDSM community across the spectrums that do think there is a right way. I could find countless pages and blogs that would say things like: “Doms and subs aren’t the real thing, Masters and slaves are”, “Subs/slaves shouldn’t be allowed to have safe words”, “If it’s not 24/7 TPE, it’s not real”, and it goes on and on.

So here’s my take on all of this, you can take it for what it’s worth.

Are you genuinely happy?

If the answer is yes – then I don’t particularly care. I don’t care if you read an erotic novel, 50 shades, watched 9 1/2 weeks or read a blog and drifted into non-vanilla life. We all make our way in somehow. I don’t care if you just have wild kinky ass sex in your bedroom. That may not be my thing, but that’s cool. I don’t care if you have protocols that extend beyond when your having sex. Ours may not impact every area yours does, but that’s okay. So long as there is no physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual abuse – I don’t care.

Have fun, and have amazingly wild ass kinky sex.

:: Kinky Sex Tip #6 | Evolutions

It’s important to know where you want to go, otherwise, you’ll get lost. You may get lost anyways, but if you have some kind of an idea – some kind of vision, then you can begin to plan a route to get there.

Most people (I’m assuming) want to be passionate lovers. They want to demonstrate their devotion, their adoration, their desire to please their partner. In a D/s dynamic, they want to demonstrate their Dominance and their submission.

You have to know where you’re at. What you want. How you want it. Where you want to go. That takes honest communication. It also takes a lot of trust.

You’ll never truly be “Fuck Yes” lovers if you don’t talk. If you don’t share your passions and desires.

You’ll never get there without going through the “Okay, I’m Ready” – it’s a process. And while you’ll constantly be emerging, you have to make some movement. That requires some guidance and willingness.

And many things begin with a few “Oh My God” moments. You’re embarking on something new – most people don’t experience kink of any sort the first time without this phase.

Whether it’s a facial, anal, water sports, wax, clamps, or any other kink – to include non-intercourse areas as well, it’s a process. Life isn’t like porn – you don’t just slam your (seemingly non lubricated) cock into her ass and expect her to have a squirting orgasm from it on the first try.

But you know that you want her to eventually orgasm through anal sex (or whatever your goals are)- so develop a way to get there. Because once you get to the “Fuck Yes!” phase it really is fucking incredible.

:: Kinky Sex Tip #4 | An Amazing Blow Job

Whether or not your giving a blow job, or just giving amazing oral, these tips and techniques will make the moment go from “Ah, thanks babe” to “Damn woman, that was fucking amazing!’

For a much more detailed post, read the previous Top 11 (because ten is never enough): ::Give the Best Blow Job Ever

Tip 1: Multi-Task.

Your mouth is the star of the show, but let your hands get some action as well. From touching yourself to stroking his cock as you let your mouth take a break or focus on just the head, the extra-sensory will work wonders – as does a pump and swirl.

Tip 2: Eye Contact

Making eye contact says “I fucking love what I’m doing” like almost nothing else. You can’t make eye contact if your mouth is full, so as your using your tongue or stroking his cock, look at him. Give him a sexy wink to take this tip to the next phase.

Tip 3: Vocalize

Nothing says “I love sucking on your cock” quite like saying “I love sucking on your cock”. Don’t forget a few “hmmms” along the way as well. Tell him you love it when he comes. It’s great to be specific too. Ask if he likes what your doing.

Tip 4: Time Now

If there was ever a perfect time – it’s right now. Now could be 1st thing in the morning. It could be when you’re out on a date. It could right before leaving the house to go to some place else. It could be during lunch or for desert. These are all great “nows”.

Tip 5: No Dress Code

Because the perfect time is now, that means that sometimes you might be dressed up to the nines. Other times, you may have on nothing but a necklace. Either extreme and everything in between is perfect. It’s okay to get dressed up just to please him too. The thing is, just don’t get stuck in a routine.

Tip 6: Let your fingers do some Walking

You probably enjoy having your ass played with don’t you? From fingers to anilingus to having toys and his cock  – it feels good. So, let your fingers drift to his perineum and ass as well. Just like you’d demand lube when he plays with your ass, same applies for his.

Tip 7: To Swallow or Not to Swallow

Here it is…when a guy climaxes it is a very personal and intimate moment. In my opinion, coming in Kasai’s mouth or on her face is even more intimate than anywhere else. Spitting is received as “Ewe! I fucking can’t believe I did that”. So, here’s the tip – whatever amount of cum you get in your mouth – swallow it. I’m not suggesting you have to take the whole load, but take in what you can.

Tip 8: Don’t finish

After he comes, continue to stroke and suck him off – it’ll drive him nuts. To take this tip to the next level, clean him up with your mouth and tongue. Same goes for your hands and face as well. Nothing says “I fucking love your cum” more than licking yourself and your partner clean.

Tip 9: A Kiss 

It may seem too kinky, taboo, or otherwise dirty, but give your man a passionate kiss right afterwards. It’s okay if there’s still some cum on your lips or lingering in your mouth, it’s ours.

Tip 10: Enthusiasm is Everything

You don’t have to choke on his cock like a pornstar, but look and act like you are enjoying yourself. After all, you can make him explode into a sea of ecstasy with just using your mouth. You are the one making him moan and grunt. Smile, giggle, slap your face with it, kiss it, take a selfie if you need to, just show that you love doing what your doing.

Tip 11: Make a Bucket List

Yup, make a bucket list and have fun!

:: If You’re Kinky & You Know it

:: She Said What?

Safety First!

If you engage any in level of kinkiery it’s highly advisable that you have some sort of safe word or means of communicating if you need things to slow down, change, or stop altogether. While words like “no”, “that hurts”, or other similar words and phrases could be used – most people find that when involved in most BDSM practices that people are going to say words like “OUCH!” or “FUCK THAT HURT” – but that doesn’t mean they want or need it to stop. They probably are experiencing some level of pain, but desire for it to continue.

You need to have some means of communicating that you just need the event to slow down, but still desire to continue as well as a way of saying stop the press right now. Many people use a color system – Red/Orange(or Yellow)/Green. But it’s also important to have a way of communicating if the submissive is gagged. Whatever is needed for the scenario, just tell your sub how you want them to communicate.

And, if she starts screaming “ELEPHANT, BANANA, SENATOR, BLANKET” odds are, she forgot her safeword, lol

Have fun!

:: Kinky Sex Tip #3 – Desire

Every poll tells us that guys masturbate. Quite often it seems. While there have been a few moments where I’ve taken care of business while in the same house with Kasai, it hasn’t been that often. But it has happened over the course of 17 years.

Gals, your initial reaction could be a “what the fuck are you doing” – which will surely lead to a potential high point drowning, or it could be “Hmmm – let me finish what you started”.

I’d suggest the second alternative – for a few reasons. First, it says: I’m confident – I’m better at this than you – that’s what I’m here for – I want to help. Let’s linger on this last one, and really just the few words of “I want to..”

Those words when coupled with the physical connection are mesmerizing. It demonstrates your desire for him, and that as I’ll try to express through most of these kinky sex tips is the #1 sex tip of all time.

Desire.

And that’s Kinky Sex Tip #3 – it’s not about your guy masturbating, and it’s not about you finishing the job – it’s desire.

Guys want to be wanted. They want to feel like their sexual satisfaction is important to you. There are a thousands ways to reveal this to your man, but nothing says it quite like “I’m going to make you come, because I enjoy it – I want to – I love it”.

Now, take it a step further – instead of it being reactionary – make a plan out of it. Go to your favorite porn site and look up something racy to play that will last a few minutes – maybe it’s a full on scene, maybe it’s a compilation video. Put your laptop on the bed and let it play – and tell your beau to come into the room for a minute.

After he comes in, he’ll be quite startled, but as you tell him to lay back, and take care of him, I can promise you – he’ll be ecstatic. You know that feeling you get after losing track of your orgasms – that’s where he’ll be.

Demonstrating desire has an immeasurable affect on a relationship. You can be as slutty or sweet as you want to. Your individual creativity will set the moment(s) apart. Desire also has one of the highest ROI’s of all relational aspects. What you give – you are bound to receive.

:: Kinky Sex Tip #1

Now, every scene is not going to be earth shattering – and they don’t have to be. Sometimes, what’s needed is a good quickie up against the wall – but you need to become masters in the craft of making sure she can’t walk after sex too.

It takes a desire to put her pleasure ahead of yours. It requires patience and creativity. It means you have to listen to her aches, her moans, and her gasping.

To facilitate placing her amongst the stars, you’ll have to either continue to play after you come, or put your pleasure off for a while. Become familiar with various instruments, because one orgasm isn’t going to do it. Two ain’t gonna cut it either.

No, to reach this level of erotic ecstasy, both of you need to lose count. They need to come in waves. Clitoral – G Spot – Vaginal – Anal – Squirting – not in that particular order, and more than one from each.

But it will also require that you pay close attention to her in aftercare as well. Because she’s likely to be cold. She’s likely to not be able to walk (which is what we were hoping for after all). She may not be coherent for some time as she drifts back to earth.

:: Sexual Revolutions

Stigma seems to, at times, be a form of causation to change – especially when people begin to ask questions.

As it relates to sex, there have been numerous forms of revolution(s) over the centuries all in and around times of great stigma.

During the Victorian age, when everyone was apparently supposed to be prim and proper Marquis de Sade, Rousseau, and others caused a sweeping storm with scandal. The scandal was simple: sex is good. This of course was during a time when values and morality as well as the views of how the cosmos worked came into question.

The notion sex was good, and shouldn’t be repressed was a shock to many (at least in public) – but refreshing to many others as well. It was something that people seemed to yearn for and grasp onto. But things seemed to die down, and go well under-ground for a while. In the 1920’s, after a world caught in war, there sex began to expressed in new ways again, but a depression devoured up the movement.

Another counter-culture movement arose that wanted to explore the personal aspects of sexuality following the works of Freud and Lawrence. This movement came on the heels after the second great war that also spurned out numerous varieties of a new sexual revolution from the gay BDSM community to women’s liberation movement and the Sex Positive movement.

Women especially began to view their sexuality as something to be their own. Urged to initiate sex, enjoy, and experiment led to a refreshing ideology that was much needed. There was this idea that men and women should embrace sexuality with little to no limits other than ‘safe sex’ and the importance of consent.

The revolution that continued into the 60’s was much bigger than any single demographic. Involved were feminists, gay rights campaigners, hippies and even political elements. This alone set it apart from the 20’s. Not to mention that sex began to find it’s way into mainstream magazines (Playboy and Cosmopolitan). Interestingly, this movement really began to pick up momentum after the fabled 50’s – a time and place where a woman’s place was barefoot and in the kitchen – totally suppressed by her man.

But the movement wouldn’t last forever. Right wing politics took off like a storm in the 80’s. the AIDS epidemic scared the shit out of everybody. And Evangelicalism and the televangelist preached the stigma of sex so much, that eventually human sexuality declined – but shadows of a sexual freedom always present – and slowly began to increase their way back into mainstream little by little to present day.

:: Foundations | Taboo Nature of Sex

Gallup polls tell us that the majority of Americans have some form or another of a spiritual leaning. While this ins’t surprising to me, I think we can see how it affects the world of D/s pretty easily.

You see, if I walk into a bookstore, I’m going to find a few shelves filled with books about sex – all kinds of books – about all kinds of sex. But if I walk into a “christian bookstore”, It’s unlikely I’ll find one.

Sexuality is in every vein of life – television, fashion & style, the internet, physical elements, books, emotional aspects, magazines, health & fitness, movies, and it goes on and on. In spite of it being everywhere you look, because it is a taboo topic for most people, because it’s taboo in the church.

This isn’t a new phenomenon. For ages, the church has pretty much declared that if you’re not married sex is wrong – if you masturbate it’s a sin – if you fuck for any reason other than to procreate it’s not right – if it’s in anything else other than vaginal sex it’s immoral, and btw, sleep in separate beds.

Now, I’m not suggesting that sex needs to be the #1 or even #10 top thing the church talks about – but when the only way it can talk about it is negatively, then everything about sex becomes unnatural.

From anal to oral – from self pleasure to the enjoyment of “pain” – from the use of toys to the any kind of kink. Obviously then any form of D/s is out of the picture. It’s all wrong and sinful.

There doesn’t seem to exist a language to talk about sexuality in a positive way.

Our sexuality is linked to our emotional, physical, mental, and social and spiritual aspects of our health. Sexual expressions are an overflow of our values and beliefs about ourselves and our partner.

We aren’t raised with clear guidance and understanding of these aspects, and many of us have scars and deep hurts. Just as with these other elements, when it comes to sex we don’t talk about what it means, what it represents and provides.

If my knowledge about sex is that it’s ultimately bad, or a chore, then I don’t really know how to express myself in a meaningful way.

I believe sex is often talked about wrong in the media – it’s often abusive, but these images don’t shake my core beliefs about sex and our sexuality.

I believe that sex is pure, sacred, and good. I believe in passion, in demonstrating my passion to my lover – not simply in ways that I want to, but in ways that are pleasing to her. I believe that when we have sex, it is an expression of our oneness. I believe in exploring and satisfying.

Because of all that – I love (in my best Dr Suess impression)

fast sex, slow sex – hard sex, soft sex

long sex, short sex – dressed sex, naked sex

anal sex, oral sex, vaginal sex, toy sex, hand sex

I like whips & chains, crops & plugs, paddles & kneeling, spreader bars & clamps, presenting & tables, rope & anal hooks, vibrators & floggers, wands & benches, heels & hose, collars & service, candle wax & ice, hands & anything in them. And more….

I love massages and holding hands, kissing, sharing our breathing, and simply looking into each others eyes. I love simply cuddling with each other and being with one another.

And yes it’s true – I love making my wife endure more orgasms than either of us can count.

There isn’t much that I would consider taboo between us. Years ago, I didn’t know we would enjoy these things – hell some of them I didn’t know existed.