:: D/s Training Where you are going

Once you know where you are, you have to figure out where you want to go.

This is part of the problem with the majority of the BDSM community, especially for those who may be considering or just entreating the lifestyle – it’s that they show an “end state” which normally consists of anal sex, deep throating, bondage, spanking, squirting, cock sucking, amazing positions, toys galore, suspension, mouth fucking, rope and a lot of other yummy stuff.

I want to take Kasai to a couple foreign countries that I’ve been to, and some that I haven’t. Right now – I could care less where exactly we go – just so long as we are together, and make it there. Now that I know the bigger picture of where we are going – then I can start to figure out the smaller picture.

The problem with the porn – a) it’s all sex, and b) it’s an exact address.

On it simply being about sex. Kinky sex is awesome, if that’s all that you want. But any form of D/s, M/s, TIH, power exchange (total or otherwise), and others is more than kinky sex.

There are countless recipes of how each relationship works, but they all involve more than sex. And most websites fail to talk about that, or if they do, they simply talk about micromanaging. Still, you have to consider more than the actual moments of sex when trying to figure out where you want to go.

How about the exact address? My friend tells me to come to their place in San Antonio. I have an address – but how the hell do I get there? See, I know the end state, but what I need are some check points along the way – I need to start planning. 

And again, this is where all of that awesome BDSM porn leaves you hanging. This is where the vast majority of websites and books leave empty pages and white space. Because what’s painted is an arrival destination, but they aren’t talking about the trip itself.

You have to know where you’re going. And in some ways its good that you can so easily see some finished products. Though, I should also caution, that you will never actually arrive – 1 year, 5 years, 10 years – you will always be emerging.

But any form of BDSM isn’t like buying a house – it’s like building and maintaining one. 

 

:: BDSM Poster You Might be into BDSM when…

 

 

~ true story, btw

:: to Kasai

As with most relationships, it’s often to not tell those you love, adore, cherish, like, and desire the best for that you love them. That you care for them. That they make you proud. How this journey is better with them on your path.

I’m feeling that way about my Kasai right now.

She is my wife. My best friend. My confidant. My lover. She is the one who inspires me. She grounds me. She believes in me – and I in her.

And she is my submissive. In this, she is breathtakingly beautiful. She bends and twists to my desires and leadings in such a way that words cannot compare. She receives all, and wants more. I am proud and humbled to be her Dom – it’s not something I take lightly.

Kasai – thank you.

Thank you for you love. Thank you for your heart. Thank you for your friendship and companionship. Thank you for walking this trail with me.

Thank you for your submission. Know that I cherish it more now than when we began this part of our journey together.

I love you madly.

:: BDSM Poster The Tinkerbell Spank

 

A spanking can be magic. Like Tinkerbell  – the moment seems to spread its pollenating fireworks into the atmosphere. It can be a huge release – one that can free guilt, shame, pain, or remorse.

Who knew Disney was so freaky?

:: D/s Training know where you are

I learned a long time ago that when it comes to land navigation, the first step is knowing where you are.

If I’m out in the wilderness, I can know this by a couple of different ways. I could utilize my map and use terrain association – that is, I find things on the map that I can recognize and orient myself. This is the most difficult of all the methods, but it’s the one skill that sets people apart.

Before you can set out on any path – you have to know where you are. Part of this implies knowing where you have been. It requires some introspection about who you are as well. You have to be able to question yourself – and be able to answer those questions.

In the wild – it could be life or death.

In a relationship, it could mean growth or separation.

In D/s it can lead to an extreme level of intimacy or it could lead to ruin.

If you use the power of google, you can find all kind of lists and questionnaires to help discover some of these questions. Though Kasai and I have used similar ones, we had been married for a long time prior to our entering into a Dominant and submissive relationship. Still – the conversation was needed.

To make assumptions can lead to….well, you know.

I’ve been in the wild training people on how to use basic and advanced navigation techniques, and a lot of people make a common mistake. They look to see where they are before they set off – but they don’t continue to monitor where they are along the way.

You see, knowing where you are isn’t a one time movement – it’s a constant. You can set off, thinking your on the right course, and end up lost.

You can begin your D/s thinking you know where you are going, and find yourself lost in the mix.

Never stop questioning yourself – never stop having the conversation with your partner. Don’t allow assumptions or things unspoken to ruin what you cherished.

:: BDSM Poster The Belt

:: D/s Training Parallels part II

Continuing from my previous post about parallels:

: Create constancy of purpose towards improvement. She’s your submissive for a reason – she wants to submit, she wants to feel your Dominance. She desires to please you (and herself) – so don’t hinder it. Make her feel valued!

: Adopt the new philosophy. As a Dom – you must learn and grow too! If you don’t it will create problems in your sub – how is she supposed to be submissive to someone who isn’t really Dominane?

: Improve & train constantly. Training never stops. Theres always something new, or something to revisit – or a way to change the variables.

: Drive out fear. Now I’ll discuss the phenomenon of fear later; however, the sub shouldn’t fear the Dom – as in if she answers a question honestly, it’s not her fault so don’t punish her. If she needs to talk about something, she needs someone to hear her. Communicating may need to be something you train on too, so bear that in mind.

: Eliminate requiring zero defects. Nobody is perfect – you must learn to use the negatives and turn them into positives. Yes, discipline may be in order – but remember, she WANTS to submit to you – don’t take that away from her for something pedly – and don’t misunderstand a playful spanking with a punishment.

: Institute a program of education. Reading, watching videos, seminars, munches, writing. These are all key ways to continuously improve (if you make them relate to the training, even better!)

: Remove barriers that rob pride in workmanship. She should feel proud to be your sub, just as much as you should be proud to be her Dom – it’s a very special and intimate connection. One of the only ways to remove these barriers is through training and meeting the intended goals, especially if it’s something she was hesitant about before.

:: BDSM Poster RESULTS

:: D/s Training parallels

I have had all kinds of jobs. I’ve worked as a ranch hand, in warehouses, manufacturing, home building. I’ve had office jobs and wrench turning jobs. I’ve even owned and operated a business.

I want to say that I don’t look at D/s as a “business”, but where one can find something to enable improvement – that is a good thing.

Below are a few good practices I’ve seen in the business world with some notes as to how it might relate to D/s:

: Assess potential employees You have to know on the front end, what can and can’t be done. Communication is key now only now – but throughout – as some limits may be expanded, and you may find something that becomes a limit that wasn’t before. 

: Provides workplace standards. What are the protocols, rules, rituals. While this can be established after an assessment – rules and the like should be more fluid, and able to emerge depending on the training. Don’t get locked in, because if a Dom misses a que the sub will notice it and feel rejected, and may not ever say anything.

: Establishes OJT Develops a training program for what the sub will do for day-to-day life. Not necessarily scene related, but how we do we connect, how do we communicate, how do we deal with this or that issue? Continuous training on the rules, protocols, or rituals.

: Trains on additional programs Training emphasizing on 1 area at a time. Though some areas can overlap, it’s wise to take 1 area and work on that. Develop a clear pathway for success. Don’t limit yourself to time, and don’t be afraid to shelve it and return back to it (always end on a positive note!). It’s okay to go back and revisit the same areas later too!

: Assess performance & rewards the positive / disciplines the nonconformity We think we know about discipline (but may not), but don’t think too much about rewarding. It could be verbal or physical praise (especially outside of the sex!). It could be an act of service without having to be asked or a romantic moment. I would also caution to be careful regarding punishment. Make sure you communicate clearly before, during, and after.

: Compensates the employee through Salary & Benefits (paid vacation, Bonus, time off, sick hours, medical/dental, etc) Notice that salary and benefits are different elements. I’m not suggesting you pay your sub; however, simple would it be to pull out $10 or so a week and set it aside? Use it to send her to the spa, or other pampering. Set money aside to allow her some time away – give her a girls weekend a couple times a year. And set some time aside where you can have an open candid conversation about your relationship without fear of reprisal.

: Provides uniforms, pays for all company expenses (trips, meals, fuel, etc) Obvious – if you want the toys, you gotta buy them (or make them).

Of course, every relationship is unique – and each one of these (or other) areas will look different between each one.

:: BDSM Poster …I Lied