Trust is an interesting phenomenon. It requires a degree of fidelity and belief in another to have the best intentions for you. It’s extremely fragile (no, that’s not an Italian word) and brittle. It can be hard to repair. It is a gift we receive from another – it’s not something that can be taken or demanded.
Writers’ block happens to everyone. I’ve experienced it quite a bit. About 10 years ago, I wrote about 100 songs in a very short period of time. Now, they come very sporadically. Same thing with some of the books I’ve written.
Creativity it seems, is yet another process that ebbs and flows.
I once heard a story about a Jewish couple who had been married for like 40 years. The husband was asked if he still loved his wife as much as he did when they first met. It’s an easy question to ask, because of infatuation – because we find ourselves high on love when we first meet. But the husband had this to say “No, as a matter of fact I don’t”
Shocking. But he wasn’t done.
“I didn’t even know what love was then – thought I did though. I love my wife tremendously more now than ever”
Such a beautiful sentiment.
Love it seems, is like a fine wine.
And within love, and within D/s is a space of creativity. We have good years and bad years. We have moments of “holy shit that was amazing” and we have moments of “holy shit, what the hell is going on”.
Once you start going through motions – your partner will know it – they will feel it, and that feeling can sting deeply.
The creativity and the spark is still there, it just got buried under this thing called life.
I’ve found that when I am feeling creative, and wanting to write a song or work on a new project, but I seem to be stuck, I can talk to some friends or study other projects. I look for new ways to express, and sure enough it starts to pour again.
In a relationship we can read and talk to others, but I couldn’t express it enough that the most important person to talk to is our partner. But making time together or individually to process the experience and develop a plan for the next phase will help ensure you don’t become stagnate.
I don’t play a song the exact same way twice. Sometimes, it’s intentional, other times it happens because it just happens that way. You can revisit things you’ve done before – just because it may seem ‘old hat’ doesn’t mean that it can’t be fresh.
Have fun – communicate clearly and consistently – and have fun!
Continuing from my previous post about parallels:
: Create constancy of purpose towards improvement. She’s your submissive for a reason – she wants to submit, she wants to feel your Dominance. She desires to please you (and herself) – so don’t hinder it. Make her feel valued!
: Adopt the new philosophy. As a Dom – you must learn and grow too! If you don’t it will create problems in your sub – how is she supposed to be submissive to someone who isn’t really Dominane?
: Improve & train constantly. Training never stops. Theres always something new, or something to revisit – or a way to change the variables.
: Drive out fear. Now I’ll discuss the phenomenon of fear later; however, the sub shouldn’t fear the Dom – as in if she answers a question honestly, it’s not her fault so don’t punish her. If she needs to talk about something, she needs someone to hear her. Communicating may need to be something you train on too, so bear that in mind.
: Eliminate requiring zero defects. Nobody is perfect – you must learn to use the negatives and turn them into positives. Yes, discipline may be in order – but remember, she WANTS to submit to you – don’t take that away from her for something pedly – and don’t misunderstand a playful spanking with a punishment.
: Institute a program of education. Reading, watching videos, seminars, munches, writing. These are all key ways to continuously improve (if you make them relate to the training, even better!)
: Remove barriers that rob pride in workmanship. She should feel proud to be your sub, just as much as you should be proud to be her Dom – it’s a very special and intimate connection. One of the only ways to remove these barriers is through training and meeting the intended goals, especially if it’s something she was hesitant about before.
Like many people, when Kasai and I began to venture into our new world, I wanted to read as much as I could. So, I used the power of Google.
If you search for BDSM, as I’m sure you have, you find an interesting result. Of course Wikipedia pops up, as well as a couple news articles about whats wrong with 50 Shades, but nothing of real substance. If you click on the images, you begin to find something to visualize.
And while these are amazing photos, they only deal with scene based materials. It’s the same if look at the video results as well. There are a number of books to choose from, but those can be more of a gamble than staying online, because now you have to pay to see. 
The same thing happens when you search for other phrases.
Don’t get me wrong – that shit (and a lot more) turns me on.
It’s just that everything that has substance seems to be scene-only related. The rest just want to tell you that there is an endless variety of what this all means, and you shouldn’t judge ones person D/s to another. 
While that may be true, it just seems that nearly every website, every photo, and every book is trying to sell something. And in truth, most of them probably are.
They are selling an idea.
They work on the visualization of dominance and of sadism. It’s like being at a restaurant and seeing a photo of a meal, only to order it and have not be as appealing, tasty, or filling as you thought it would be now that your eating it.
That’s why I’m glad for this community. A group of people who share their day to day lives. Nobody is pitching anything. They communicate and support one another. And in that, is beauty.
So, I may not click that I like, or comment on your posts, but know that I read them, and I do enjoy them. I’ve probably dug into your blogs and read some of your past too. And I thank you all for sharing how you live this life.
Because that’s the shit no one was talking about. It’s more than fucking hard. It’s more than a photo or a video. This is our life. Yeah, it’s messy sometimes. But in and through it all – it’s beautiful.
So, we found ourselves wrapped in some amazing sex.
And as I looked back, I began to realize that something had begun to fade – my Dominance.
Don’t get me wrong, in a scene it might be hard to tell that it was missing. I told her how to prepare, what to do, what to say. I manhandled her, spanked her – thorough use of toys and instruments, bondage.
All that good stuff.
So, if judged by the scene itself, you might say “yup, there into D/s”. If some people knew our scenes, they’d probably say we were going to hell…
But does the sex part make it D/s or was it just kinky sex?
When we began our journey – I felt like I was dominating more than just our sex life – I was dominating our sexuality. Throughout the day. She submitted to my instruction, performing different tasks, etc. It heightened our sense of awareness and connection to each other and led to a more primal connection when we did have sex.
Yet even then, I failed to understand the true value of training (and other areas of concern).
There’s nothing wrong with kinky sex (I for one happen to enjoy it!), if that’s all you want. But to be in a healthy D/s relationship – more is required. There has to be a connection of dominance and submission outside of the bedroom (or wherever you have sex).
It doesn’t mean that every aspect of life is micromanaged by the Dom. There are a variety of colors in the world of BDSM, and none are rightfully compared to another; however, there is some need in the vanilla world for each other to recognize their lovers position as either sub or Dom.
For Kasai and I, it’s our sexuality. Every aspect of it – which reaches into multiple areas of life. For you, it may be different.
What do you think, is kink the same as D/s?
Though there were sprinklings of a future flavor in our history, neither one of us would have expected this new emergence into Dominance and submission. I don’t think we were even thinking about our past glimpses when it was first brought up.
So, when we started talking about some this a couple years ago, and then more heavily mid-last year, I thought long about what we would look like.
What does a Dom look like?
What does a sub look like?
I had some ideas. I read articles. Kasai and I shared our thoughts as she was doing the same. We talked about limits. We looked at some videos, read some blogs. And most of it had some glimpses, but nothing that could really describe, or put into words what I was envisioning.
Still, some rough edges were shaping up. I knew that communication was critical, so I developed 3 simple rules for Kasai:
And though I had planned some details, and thought about scenes, I guess looking back I assumed that it would just all kind of take care of itself.
What I had drifted us into was incredibly amazing sex.
Yes, she did what I told her to – but I wasn’t telling her much outside of sex. I was losing sight of how to hone my Dominance – something I tasted and felt before we actually physically began. I’m not going to lie – the sex was (and is) mind blowing.
Maybe the sex took my eyes away. Maybe it was stress, sickness, work…..life. Who knows. One thing I know for sure:
Over the years, there have been small glimpses of what was to come. I don’t think if we had discussed D/s 10 years ago it would have worked, but there were several moments with future insights such as:
We were at the beach with family, and we fucked in the ocean not 5-10 yards from them. In a parking lot in North Carolina, I fingered her without regard to the outside world. We shared a moment of erotic photos in the back yard & she submitted to me very beautfifully (where the header pic came from)
Once a road trip, I led us in a very long deep discussion about sex – (sadly, I think it was really the first time we actually talked about sex). We also fooled around with hands and cameras too on that trip! In a friends house, I made such a mess on the wall – Kasai had to ask her friend for the cleaner and clean it off. We all still laugh about that one.
When her dad asked her why she had her tongue pierced, she looked at him and said because it was better for oral sex.
I abused the fuck out of my dads kitchen table…..oh wait, that was only a few weeks ago!
In 2012, we had another really long discussion about sex resulting in an agreement about what her limits were. At first, her answers were very hesitantly yes and mostly no, but that changed with discussion (It was similar in 2013 – but this time, nearly everything went to yes as she began to submit).
It wasn’t all sex either. More times than I can count, she would tell me to just make a decision about something. Maybe it was because I put her on a pedestal for so long (she still is my queen!) and put so much on her; but, every now and then we’d be discussing something and I’d ask her what she wanted (because I wanted to provide for her) – and she would get so frustrated, she was tired of making the decisions, and needed some of that weight removed.
Kasai grew up in a home were sex was taboo. It wasn’t talked about. It was “sinful”. Especially anything other than the missionary position! So, that had deep seeded roots.
She also has a passion for women being treated properly (I share the same passion) because from so many people, including several churches she attended, women were less than, so the word “submission” didn’t sit well with her. Every time she had heard it before, it was used in the wrong context, the word and its meaning were abused by those selfishly seeking power.
Sometimes, they still show their faces, and can cause misunderstandings, or confusion. But in her submission, Kasai has released so much to me. She was very concerned that we were going to lose who we were. But we have seen a deeper level of commitment to each other.
It’s like finding our true selves – our true unadulterated, liberated, beautiful, and naked selves. Where two are one – each one fulfilling the deep desires of our heart and finding freedom. But I think that Elle said it the best here: Un-becoming.
That’s why just filling out check lists wasn’t good enough – we had to talk about them. And through the conversation, many of her fears disappeared through her trust in me. She once wrote that she loves the anticipation when she is dominated – and loves the trust I have in her when she’s not comfortable.
Yes, we had some glimpses throughout our past that reverberated the change that was coming – and yes, we have had challenges to work past – and yes, we still have things to resolve – but the beautiful thing is –
We will
I knew when Kasai and I began our journey into D/s, that we would continuously learn and grow. That we would probably never “arrive”.
I am an amateur photographer. I’ve hiked deep into the mountains for pictures. I am always looking at different angles. It’s rare that I don’t have a camera with me. I’m always thinking about new things to photograph, and new ways to capture a moment. Many times, I take upwards of a 100 photos only to really enjoy 1 or 2.
This is what I had envisioned for Kasai and I. That we would be constantly emerging. And that’s why I chose the name emergingDom.
When I first picked up the camera – I knew the photographs I wanted to be able to take. Visions of life, beauty and tragedy that carried a message. But I spent years being wondering why I wasn’t there. I knew what I wanted – but I didn’t know how to get there.
As a Dom, I’ve been there too.
Though I knew that I would be continuously emerging – I had a vision for Kasai and I. And sometimes, I would become frustrated that we weren’t there. It resulted in my often not being her Dominate – I was more of a controlling lover.
Don’t get me wrong – the kinky sex was amazing!
But there was a void in me.
There was a void in her.
I remember the first time I took my camera off of auto mode. I made countless mistakes. I had to study quite a bit, but I was able to develop plans to be a better photographer. In different places with different lighting and atmospheres, I would play with my ISO, my shutter speed, and aperture – all on the same subject ending up with numerous photos – just so I could see how those little changes affected the picture.
I logged them down so I would know in the future and I developed reference cards to assist me.
I was training myself to be a better photographer.
As a Dom, I lead Kasai in our sexuality. But what I was previously doing was keeping it in Auto mode and hoping the my Dominance and her submission would just take care of everything. But that’s not how it works.
What was needed was training and purpose.
Kasai needed more from me than kinky sex. She needed specific guidance, direction, a strong hand……dominance, but I wasn’t really giving her anything to submit to. She loves to submit, but struggles with some things, and I wasn’t giving her a path. She also needed affirmation, praise, and rewards.
The past wasn’t a mistake, I didn’t fail at Dominating Kasai, nor did she fail in her submission. But it wasn’t quite right either.
Time to start emerging again.
i kind of wanted to start of blogging again about the wand and remembering some amazing moments, because the truth is – the toys don’t matter.
“did he just say what i think he said?”
yes, i said it. the toys don’t matter.
for the next few weeks (or however long it takes), i want to detail out some things i’ve learned that do matter. it means that i will be exposing some of my own mistakes and pitfalls.
sometimes, you have to go through the valley’s to reach the mountain tops.
most of the time, we don’t even realize we’re in a valley – because we never had a map or directions. we just kinda jumped in with both feet with no plan.
when Kasai and i began our journey, i knew “what” i wanted from me as a Dom. I had a vision for her as my sub. i could “see” what i thought was “finished project”, so i just started running.
don’t get me wrong – we are both very happy. we’ve had amazing times! she’s been so deep in subspace that it’s taken her hours to come down.
but –
yes, there is a but….i felt like things were off.
so i started contemplating. and i began to realize it.
i also began to visualize a road map with specific directions and check points along the way. but before i get to that, there’s more fleshing out of some…call them mistakes, wrong turns, misdirections, or simply lessons learned.
Kasai and I have had an interesting journey over the past 8 months. And before I get into too much about where we are at now, and some lessons learned, I feel like sharing some of the amazing discovery’s we have found so far.
The first one, is the Hitachi Wand.
HOLY SHIT BATMAN!!
This thing is incredible! It doesn’t take long for it to work it’s magic. With an full array of attachments, you can continuously experiment with it as well. At around $50, it’s a very inexpensive – with the ROI far outweighing the cost.
You might need an extension cord, and the one other thing I would recommend is a soft cover for it, like this one. The Wand is notorious for getting hot.
It was through the use of the Wand that Kasai squirted for me as well. Whether she was bent over a bar stool, or laying down in bed – any position is a good position for this little toy.
There’s no doubt – this little Wand is full of magic!
Not every time is magic; and I’ll talk about that later – but when it does happen, it’s like your own firework show.
AN EMERGING DOM 